The mind is our only obstacle...

My eyes are so tired but yet my mind continues to race. I'm not sure why this happens to me and it always leaves me wondering if ordinary people have the same struggles defeating their thoughts. My exhaustion is not because it's a late hour tonight, but rather the results of a sleepless night last night. And as far as me referring to all of you as more ordinary than myself; well it's just something that probably is, and definitely not intended to bring undeserving recognition or credit upon anyone. It's just the things that my mind has been able to conquer. Not the things of a scholar with words I could never pronounce or a genius who can add a million numbers at a seconds notice; but rather the place that my mind has found to exist that few will ever know is there at all.

It's a discovery that I have only recently located even after hanging out here in this beautiful life for 36 years. Perhaps that is why when I know that I am in this place I rush here so that I can share it with as many of you as I can get to listen. So here's the place that finds me time and time again...

My soul is that which is never fed. It desires to help, reach and exceed beyond much of the company that I find myself surrounded by on any given day. It is a furnace that never burns down into the charred coals that I sometimes long for so that I can sleep and limit the rushing -that I feel- all of the hours- that my overly sore legs are awake- walking me around. It continues to burn as I long for the closed restful eyes that my two life partners have for the 8 hours that I am tossing and turning. Somewhere during the night it finally shuts down and I awake not wanting to move from the soft pillow that finally cradled my head and forced my eyes to close.

I awake and stretch as far as my too many pull-up arms can reach. The body that reaches aches like it should climb back in bed and find the pillow that cradled it's sleepy head, but this is where I start to find this place. I start to put on the clothes that will take me to the gym. I make breakfast for her and say good morning to him- the same way I do time and time again. Then I go alone and open up the door and I feel even more powerful than I did the day before. So I walk a little taller and my mind is right on que. For despite the sleepless night, it knows just what to do. It makes it way to grab the much too heavy weights, and throws them to it's shoulders while not a sound it makes. Just a silent little push with little effort at all, with nothing but the mind to stop them from their fall.

I look at the blonde that I still don't recognize. I am impressed with her strength especially for her size. But then I have to look again at those who do not know and want to tell them there's a place you have to go. Instead I look away for they would not hear a word but only insist it was nothing but absurd. And as she leaves the mind demands again to feed a soul from the place that is within. She climbs upon the bar with arms that ache and do the pullups that have now become her fate. She starts with one, feeling lighter than air, and still at fifteen feeling barely there. And finally lowers herself at number twenty two, knowing the secret of what a strong mind can do. She walks out the door but it never shuts down, so she turns on the computer and her fingers start to pound. She doubts they will listen but sends these thoughts their way, in hopes that another may find this place someday. For although we do not believe; she knows that it is true, the only magic another has that was not given to you...Is allowing your mind the power to do what you think it cannot do....The mind is the only obstacle you need to cross my friends; the rest will follow.

When we no longer see rainbows...

Sometimes my fingers are led to the keyboard much the same way that my legs are led to an endless trail. I am in need of a way to fill my soul and perhaps the souls of others through the miracle of exercise and words. I am certain that God has given me the ability to endure many physical obstacles and the love of writing so that it can be shared with all of you.

I walked out the gym and felt the aching of the triceps that I still hardly recognized after 5 years of training. The wind blew in my face and I wondered if I should reconsider walking back in and enduring the long half an hour on the electric machine that was too close to the one beside it. I pulled my gym bag on my shoulder and made a deal with my mind that my arms were so sore that I should skip the cardio completely and make my way to the warm couch at home instead. I lowered myself into the much too expensive car that I had been spoiled enough to beg my husband for and made my way toward my cozy paradise. I wondered why I'd insisted on buying a car so that I could keep up with the people that influenced me into their material world so many years ago. I thought of how much I hated that I'd been so different back then. I also hated sometimes how others seemed to have no thoughts at all, but my mind just seemed to think all through the day and night.

I turned and parked in the same spot that I'd parked so many times before. The spot that never led to a couch filled with fluffy pillows and a soft throw to break the chill of the room. I opened the door to the car that said nothing about who I was now and looked back at it with a frown. I thought of the little girl in the torn sweats that had taken a picture behind it while I was sitting there on the phone before getting out. I'd remembered the smile I gave her when she finally realized I was sitting there and blushed a bright red as she explained that it was her favorite car. I hated my car even more as I thought of her face, as I thought of who she thought I must have been. I tucked the strings of my too long laces and saw the path that was surrounded by a million trees on each side. I thought of how I wished she knew that I wasn't the girl that she painted in that perfect BMW.

I ran the first mile and never felt my feet hit the ground. My mind raced as I crossed turn after turn and climbed hill after hill. I came to the turn that I usually made and I decided that it would end too soon; and took a longer route. I felt the lightness visit me. I saw the woman I'd become and the things of this world that I no longer needed. I smiled at the tank top that was one of ten that I'd bought because it was the end of the season and they were only dollars a piece, and I ran some more. I pulled back the hair that for some reason looked the same when I spent sixty dollars every four weeks at the salon in small town Missouri as it did for one hundred and ten in the spa in Texas and my feet pattered some more. I smiled as I thought of finally realizing that there are few material things that will ever truly fill us with the needs that our soul desires.

I thought of the smile on the face of the blushing girl with the dream of being in the car that carried the prestigious label and my feet kept going. I thought of how happy she seemed with just a picture and a runaway laugh with a sneaky friend and I even laughed. I finally made it back to the car that waited once again to take me to my fluffy couch and above it I saw a rainbow that filled that overly windy sky and I stretched as I took in its beauty. I smiled like my little dreaming picture taker of how far I'd come. I apologized to the overpriced shuttle that never left me stranded. I gave thanks to the Lord upstairs for reminding me of what would never go with us when we were no longer here to see rainbows.

Change...

Change is almost always scary. As a matter of fact, it's usually the most uncomftorable thing that can happen to our lives. However, most of the time, it's the one thing that We need more than any other. I have made many "changes" in the past three weeks that have began to drastically change my life for the better.

With change,usually comes sacrafice. I'm certain that this is a part of a successful change because those same three weeks have consisted of moments when I have considered refusing to change, and remaining in the vicious circle that led to the need to change to begin with. I say all of this so that I can take you with me on the journey that I have traveled over the past three weeks...

Friends come and friends go, but sometimes; we find a friend so special that we can't imagine a day in our lives without their company. We want to call them when "too good to be true" things happen to us to share our joy; or hear them comfort us when tears won't stop falling because of something tragic. We cherish their very being; so much so that the expectations that we lay upon them are next to impossible to maintain. Finally the moment comes when they let us down so hard that we almost feel the blow when they drop us. When we are certain that they have hurt us both inside and out, the pain is so fierce and raw within us. We agree that life is better without "too good" phone calls and say goodbye with "not so good" words.

Then the moment comes that our soul feels silent. The emptiness is unbearable and we pray to whatever higher power will listen to make that feeling go away. We do the same thing the next day and even the next; only on our knees this time. Finally, we wake up and there is the biggest sun in the bluest sky that we have ever seen. The ache that was there begins to dull a bit and we make our way to the window to soak it all in. The unthinkable happens and we see the flowers that were in the back yard all the days before. The children's laughs on the street are like music as our weary ears stretch and listen. We are certain that time has become a healer that we had never believed in.

We take our same trip and open those same glass doors as we slip our fingers through those same smelly gloves. The breath that we take is lighter and deeper than it has been weeks before. The perfectly fitted iron bars reach out for our hands as We wrap them around for the perfect hold. Slowly our body raises above the bar rep after rep. We think of the friend that won't share in our new record..and we do another rep. we momentarily recall the pain that our heart endured as it found the strength to mend...and we do another rep. We slowly lower ourself in front of the mirror and see the muscled blonde beauty with eyes that were determined to never look back...and remember the most important reason for doing the things that we do. The love of one's self. We promise her right then and there to never give it away to another. The priority of another cannot be given when in return you are considered an option. Life is too short friends, Love yourself first....for if you don't no one ever will...