Finding Jgirl

     First of all, to those of you that somehow still find your way to this blog every now and then; thank you. I feel like a visitor myself after not sharing anything here for over 2 years. It feels a bit like coming home as I read stories of past adventures that I have shared here with all of you and recorded as memories to recall on days like today.
   
  Speaking of days like today....

Did I mention that today finds me in the beautiful city of Charlotte, North Carolina? I am tucked in the newest city here, established in 2008 on the South side of the Queen City. Getting here has been a long journey but I am so happy to finally call it my home. The runner in me has found a feeling greater than "happiness" could ever describe. There are paths beside the river that go on for more miles than my legs could ever run. My thoughts have room to wander long after my feet have retired.      I feel at peace here, like it is my final destination. There is no need for me to ever pack up a box and unload my treasures ever again; the end of my rainbow is here; in this beautiful city. I have found my pot of gold.

The Playground

  As the years go by; time and responsibilities can make it almost impossible to have a moment where you are as carefree as a child. Especially, when your, "child", is a full blown teenager! Time has a way of slipping up on us while we are cleaning and doing laundry and driving our little people from here to there over and over again. It can leave us exhausted, both our bodies and our hearts to see life pass us by so quickly.
   We soon find that more times than not; their rooms are left empty as they celebrate the joy of growing older with those that are closer to growing older with them. We miss them, but find happiness in the sound of teenage giggles as laughing girls come to rescue them from a quiet day with Mom.
     Sometimes as I watch them drive away; I try to remember what it felt like to be without a care and laughter so extreme that you have to grab the friend beside you by the arm to keep from falling down. I have to smile to myself as I think of the ridiculousness of adolescence. (I definitely couldn't do it again). I sigh as I sit in the quiet house that fleeing teens have left behind. The room with posters I'll never understand and a half wrinkled blanket holding only a lonely cat and a half eaten bowl of Cheetos; anxiously awaits their return. I'm tempted to go on one of my cleaning binges but remember the humiliation it brings my drama filled teenager so I dig deep to find the strength to walk away.

     As I'm walking away I see them there staring at me; my new shoes with less than 4 miles wear on their spiffy new tread. I smile to myself as I remember that I am the only one home. I even get a bit giddy as I remember that everything that needs to be done is done. I'm happier than a teenager with her best bud as I lace up my happy feet and make my way to the car.

      Driving, I can hardly wait to get out of the car and dab a little sunscreen on my shoulders and nose. I strap on my music and place my ear buds in my ears and walk to the starting point of my favorite running path. I am a kid and this is my playground. I walk a little to warm up my happy legs and I'm off. Running like a kid that was just told to go play on his favorite swing. I'm swinging and sliding and running up the big hill that beat me up a week ago. My mind is far away from anything grown up that troubled me an hour ago. I am as carefree as a kid at camp or a teenager escaping to laugh the day away. I have escaped and played to exhaustion; I even giggle to myself when I see that I've finished the same path that has beat me up in the days before with little effort. How amazing it is to stop thinking so much and just play. Run on my friends....

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

     I'm not quite ready to call myself a runner yet, despite my sunburned shoulders and nose, from my lunchtime feast of climbing hills and patting the much too warm pavement. I've always been my very worst critic; harder on myself than any person should probably even be on a stranger. I stopped a few times; just to walk for a minute; I actually looked at the 60 seconds pass as I caught my breath at the top of the hill and started running again. Ahhhh, running again; it's all I've wanted to do since I stopped running.
I felt the wind in my face as my feet pounded the hard sidewalk; nothing was better than coming down the hill that you struggled to climb at the start of your run. Nothing was better than your legs and feet gliding back to the start with no pain; well except for maybe the cold bottle of water that was waiting at the finish.
Running has always been a place for me to go that delivered a sense of peace. It's always much the same; the start is not that fun; waiting for the body and mind to come to life. It usually takes me about 8 minutes to feel alive and just like that; rainbows and fireworks! No, seriously; rainbows and fireworks, and if you don't believe it; you must download Josh Groban singing, "Somewhere over the Rainbow", as you tackle your hardest hill and truly feel like you can fly when you finally realize you've reached the top...

I'm still battling my old 4 mile loop; the same loop that I was running as a young soldier, a young mother and now as a daughter recovering from the loss of my wonderful father. Sometimes, life becomes so not full of "Life" that we completely forget what brings us to "Life". Today I remembered and hopefully, too many days won't pass again where I will allow myself to forget. Maybe I will even consider calling myself a runner again after all. Surely, if Home is Where the Heart is then a runner must also be the product of where his happy heart is  as well.
Run on my friends...

Healing through the smallest of miracles

I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision as the rain started to mist from the sky as I drove; but still I drove as if it had never started. I was hungry for something to help me download the sorrow and pain of the last few months and nothing I'd tried thus far had done anything but left me starving with an unending anxiety. Of course if you compared my hunger to the ever-growing numbers on the scale; it would definitely be up for objection. However, today, I didn't have time to complain about what perfect numbers should appear on my scale or to count reps and sets as I looked around at the crowd of people in the gym around me; I needed to be here again, letting my feet decide my path...

I stretched toward the sky as the rain drops ran down my forehead and into my tired eyes. My feet seeming so anxious to finally take off and put some miles in after the week of snowed in days. Slowly I warmed up into a smooth pace trying not to allow myself to start off too fast. My mind once again returning to the place it always goes when I run. I was there sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone against my ear waiting for the news that had scared me all day. I ran as the thoughts crept in my mind. Little by little I heard the words of my baby sister in my ear....cancer.....Daddy.....here.....there.....everywhere.....I remembered her cries as I ran. My heart raced as my mind allowed its self to recall...

The sad truth about healing is that we have to put ourselves through the pain of remembering. It seems that the process would be quite the opposite. The mind can be that way, it always seems to require the one thing that we thought would hurt it more. However, here as I ran; I let my mind decide the fate of those 30 minutes. I ran and I cried as I remembered each moment of the five months that have passed since my father received his life changing news; but still my legs and feet led me through another path on my trail. And just when I thought my heart would explode, my mind took a different route and I saw him standing there waiting for me to dry my eyes. My Daddy there at every occasion I could recall. Waiting to kiss me goodbye for each prom and his chin quivering with tears as I boarded my first airplane; His arms open wide in the same spot of the airport when I returned. I saw him there with my sister as they danced at her wedding and his happy tears streaming down his face as my oldest sister delivered his first grandson to his anxious arms....

And finally, as I saw the end of my run in the distance ahead; my mind recalled the most precious memory of them all. The moment when that same grandson lay his son in his arms and he officially became a great grandfather. I'm sure the Lord has delivered us a sign as I imagine that my Dad is probably holding our sweet baby Jace as I type this for all of you to read. I just pray that this sweet little angel will continue to give him the strength that he needs to heal. We can heal if it is the Lord's will and we believe in the miracles that he can give to us. Thank him my friends, for each tiny little miracle that he blesses you with and don't forget to kiss them on their chubby little cheeks. "Strength is sometimes found in the Smallest of Miracles" Jena Goldberg

Everybody has a story...

Have you ever seen an older person as you've rushed from place to place through your busy day? Did it ever cross your mind that they were a bit too slow because you needed to move a bit faster to get where you were going?
I believe, because I am guilty of it myself, that sometimes we take for granted the wisdom of those that have lived here much longer than ourselves. We sometimes write them off as just souls that are waiting out the final days of their time here on this earth; especially when we discover that they are the ripe age of 101. I am certain that once we discover that a person we associate ourselves with is a hundred and one years old that we automatically assume that they are not as sharp in their mind as they were twenty years ago and from time to time; it even crosses our minds that they must even be a bit feeble minded.

However, regardless of the opinions that we have already decided to be fact; sometimes our whole perception of those wise old souls can change in a second. I've watched my daughter return to the same piano teacher over the past 4 years of moving back and forth to NC. I've always felt quite fortunate to have a graduate in music of the Methodist University teach my daughter for so many years to embrace the joy of music. I'd always ran in and picked up Abbi and just smiled at the old soul that seemed to take such joy in teaching my red headed girl to tickle the ivory's since she was 5 years old. I never thought much more about her after picking up my little red headed beauty and driving away until the following week until I took the time to listen to what she had to say one day before driving away.

Just like all the times before; I'd rushed in to pick up my now "almost 13 year old" and say hello and goodbye as I rushed home to make dinner for my starving family. However, today was different as my red headed girl whispered to me that she had discovered the 101 year old secret that I never would have guessed to be anymore than 80. My heart sank to my feet as I pondered how much my red headed beauty had grown to love this old soul in front of me. Of course human nature leads us to think of merely one thing when we hear so many numbers belonging to someone's age; we automatically think that their days are few. I walked away with my amazed red~headed beauty smiling like she'd discovered the greatest news ever. She told everyone that would listen that her piano teacher was 101 years old proudly!~

I felt different the next week dropping her off for her hour long lesson; a bit sad that soon this day might belong to another teacher with a more youthful style that didn't teach the same old fashioned love of music that the happy old soul taught my daughter. I walked in the same way, hoping to rush out and home to cook dinner but I didn't get to leave quite as easily today....

She gave us the pictures from the recital the week before and she smiled as she placed the family one in my hand. I noticed a set of striking blue eyes that I'd never taken note of before looking at me as she told me how much she'd loved our pictures. I saw a smile that was lined with a hint of pink lipstick that led up to perfectly rosey cheeks and lined eyes that she'd taken a long time to perfectly paint for the days students. I realized that even at my what seemed young now, 39 years that I hadn't even taken the time to perfectly paint my eyes in weeks. I looked up at a painting on the wall as I waited for my girl to collect her books and I saw those big blue eyes smile at me again, "I painted that she said with a smiling face". Wow! I thought to myself how amazing to find out that this talented old soul was once a painter and a musician!

She told me story after story of her college days and of art competitions and blue ribbons and of piano recitals that she'd been having for over 50 years. Her eyes lowered as she told me of losing the man she loved but then they brightened again as she recalled stories of the way he treated her in those younger days before. I even heard a girlish laugh as she told me of the nicknames he gave her and of the time they discovered bunnies living in a hole in the front yard and he'd called her to see them; leading her to believe it was a herd of snakes. Her bright blue eyes lit up with laughter as she pointed to the spot in the yard that they once lived. She stood up happily smiling because someone had taken the time to listen to the story she'd had to tell and walked us to the door.

I know that Monday dinners will never be ready by 630 for many days to come as long as this happy old soul is teaching my daughter the joy of a long life filled with music; but I also know that sometimes we have to take the time to listen to the stories that those wiser than us have to tell. I feel lucky to be the one that was fortunate enough to get to realize that despite the years that have passed us~we are all just people with a story and sometimes even a girlie laugh....listen to what they have to tell you my friends, they have a story too<3 p="">

"Wish I could go tomorrow"

Surfers have always fascinated me. I've watched their too tan bodies from the shore on numerous occasions. It's amazing to me that one wouldn't get a bit frustrated trying to catch a wave after being wiped out time and time again into the rumbling ocean. It seems like a lot of work for such a short lived rush. I just can't imagine working so hard for something that lasts sometimes less than a minute.

It's even more amazing as I sit over my coffee and watch the story of a young teenager in neon board shorts telling the story of the terror he felt as a shark sunk his razor sharp teeth into his leg. It gives me chills to even try to imagine how it must feel to be in the ocean and know that a shark has chosen your leg for an afternoon snack. I'm certain it would keep me from trying to catch any more waves in the future. However, this young man had the same response as many before him in the same situation. "I'm definitely going to surf in the future, wish I could go tomorrow."

It's always shocking for us to hear stories of someone suffering from a great injury and their response is that they can't wait to put themselves back in the same situation again. I thought of this young man as I ran on my 11 week post surgery foot this morning for just the second time after recovering from surgery. It was a little easier to take off today than it was that very first time. I think we always have a fear of things healing like they are supposed to or even of re-injuring ourselves when we get back out there for the first few times. However, the love of the rush rather it be surfing or running or even falling from the sky a zillion feet in the air is usually greater than the fear of the risk, so we find ourselves back out there hoping for the best outcome.

I usually hang out on the shore when I'm at the ocean. I love the sound of the sea, the smell of the salt and sunscreen that lingers in the air as I drag my feet on the edge of the sandy shore. I must admit though, sometimes I do look out beyond that endless blue ocean and wonder what it would be like to feel the water under my feet and the waves slapping my back. I smile as I see them picking up their boards and making their way up and down, setting and resetting the perfect position to catch the perfect wave. I move a little closer until I can feel the water sinking my feet into the sand. I can't swim so I run as I smell the ocean breeze in the wind against my face. I don't even put on shoes but just pitter~patter in the soft sand beneath my feet; mile after painless mile. I start to understand more why the answer is always, "wish I could go tomorrow". As  
I finish and grab my towel and a cold bottle of water; I can't help but have the same response. I sure hope I can do this again tomorrow.
Life is short my friends, do what you love <3 p="">

The Terror or Running

I am a runner; even as I sit here recovering from the foot surgery that I had last week, there is something that I still know in my heart and that's that I will always be a runner. As a matter of fact, I am marking off the days until I can lace up a pair of new sneakers and break them in with my new improved right foot.
Imagining myself gliding down my old familiar trails is so amazing that I can hardly allow myself to spend too much time indulging. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas; which in case you didn't know, will be in about 6 weeks for my excited feet. Pitter patter, pitter patter pat! I can hear their rhythmic sound in sync with my breathing already, Santa's on the way!
The love I have for running hit me hard when I woke up to the coverage of the Boston Marathon on my local news channel today. Great, I thought to myself, "I'm in a cast on the day of the Boston", not a good way to feel motivated on a Monday. My heart ached as I saw my fellow North Carolinians making their way to mile 23 with that familiar worn out but happy runner's high smile on all of their faces. I was envious for sure. I'd never been fast enough to qualify for Boston in my consistent years and here I was at 39 laying on the sofa in a cast, ouch!
I made a pat with myself at that very moment to train for Boston when my foot got back to 100 percent; lots of people run Boston at forty. Yep, it's a promise and I shook my own hand and rolled my eyes at my bandaged foot and the runners running across my screen........but then......I cried and prayed for those very same souls that I'd just wished to be. I couldn't believe my eyes when I heard the loud bomb and the sound of the voice in the distance yelling, "Oh My God", "Oh My God"!

A bomb at the finish line of the Boston Marathon was all I heard the news anchor state. Two dead, many injured. I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt so blessed to have my foot wrapped up in a cast with no possibility of being there; and that made me feel guilty again. I saw the disappointed, confused and freightened faces of my fellow runners and the loved ones that supported them on the sidelines and I just cried...

I cried for the ones that lost their lives for no reason at all, and for the ones that came to accomplish a goal that probably took them years to accomplish. My heart broke for the love ones that they carried away in wheel chairs to unfamiliar hospitals only because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time; a place on the side of the finish line to see the ones that they loved smile as they crossed over. This was unreal, beyond sad and unfortunate. God be with them, all of them, the families, the law enforcement, soldiers, fire dept and all of those that are the assisters in this great, troubled nation and Dear God please be with the runners and keep their feet pitter~pattering until the pain of this day is less.

Not so amazing

Amazing 40...

As I cringed at the needles entering the veins in the top of my hand and the plastic bin of the ones that would soon be in my knee and my ankle; I have to admit~ 39 wasn't feeling so amazing. As a matter of fact, the short months leading up to "Amazing 40", weren't feeling very amazing at all. I've even felt the need from time to time to question my whole campaign about the possibility of being "Amazing" at forty.
The few things that I've discovered so far in my 39th year are  that I can no longer read how many aspirin to take or the difference between shampoo and conditioner in the shower without a trusty pair of reading glasses. I've also faced a hard truth that no matter how many dam times people tell you that age doesn't affect your metabolism; it's all just a conspiracy to make you think your going crazy~you WILL work harder if you want to maintain your weight at forty!! Don't let them make you believe it's just you- things really do change!!
Finally, as if that wasn't proof enough of the challenges that 40 has for us; here I am laying on a table waiting for surgery because my almost 40 year old right foot refused to heal on its own. I wonder if it would have been able to mend itself if it were only 20 years old?

I don't recall much after pondering those thoughts on that table Monday. I really can only remember being strapped down to the operating table despite my need to go to the bathroom and rid myself of some of the millions of ounces of fluids they must have put in my IV. Gosh, I had to pee!! Why does this always happen to me???? Why did I have to pee now, when they were only seconds away from operating on my injured foot?? Ouch! And what was that pinch that I just felt in my hand? "It's just the meds going in I heard the nurse that refused to take me to the bathroom say to me". Sleepy....then I just felt sleepy........................................................................................................................................

As my eyes slowly opened; I didn't feel close to 40 at all. As a matter of fact; I don't believe I'd had sleep like that since I was fifteen. Yep, that's how I felt. I felt like I was fifteen and it was Saturday and there was no school and no responsibilities. I felt like I was just sleeping all day without a care in the world.
If there is a reward for going through the horrors of surgery, then this must be it. The glory of (if only for one day) feeling like you slept for twelve straight hours. This was glorious!

Unfortunately, as I sit here sharing this with all of you in a tight cast; I have not experienced those moments of beautiful sleep since making it home to my regular bed; but the days of recovery are passing, and with time; I'm sure will come recovery. Time is that way; it is the healer of all things; rather it be our stitched right foot or our hearts that have been broken so many times. The one thing that will always make them better is time.

I realized that this morning as I got up and kissed the forehead of my now twelve year old little girl. I knew that my 39 years of wisdom were the reason that I could recover and still have the patience to take care of her needs. At some point between glorious sleep at 15 and irresponsible parties and mischief in our 20's; we see ourselves standing one day almost forty. And no matter the situation we find ourselves in; we see our accomplishments and the happiness that we've created in all those years surrounding us. We assure those that love us that we are okay and that a few weeks of recovery will have us on our feet again as good as new~ and we believe it with all of our hearts; because the one thing that we realize that is still amazing about being almost forty; is that we have had almost 40 years for the Lord to show us time and time again that it will almost, always work out if we put our trust in him.
I wouldn't trade this "amazing" wisdom for anything in the world....it turns out having this many years under your belt is still pretty amazing....Life is beautiful my friends, count your blessings; even the small ones. Time is a gift, may we never take it for granted <3 p="">


 

Sink or Float

Many things can affect the state of our "fitness".  It's just so much more than an hour a day at the gym and a few sources of complex carbs accompanied by a meaty protein. "Life" can affect our state of "fitness; and the sad truth is that life isn't always kind to us. As a matter of fact, sometimes it can be down right hard to live and the happenings of this little life we live can cause us stress and a few tears....

I can't pinpoint when I hurt my foot or when life delivered me pain most nights because of this hurt; but it definitely changed my life shortly after and has significantly affected my fitness more than I could have ever imagined. I would have to say for sure that my confidence is not what it was before this happened. I'm no longer able to strut around running mile after mile effortlessly through the beautiful paths that surround me here in my new North Carolina home. I've tried to ignore that a problem even exists with my weary right foot but it always reminds me either at about mile 1.5 or at night when I'm trying to rest my tired legs and the intense pain refuses to allow me to successfully get much sleep at all.  Trust me when I tell you that this part of my life has directly affected my fitness since I now struggle with eating a clean diet because of my inability to do much cardio.

However what happens next is the real determination of your "Life". This is the point where you either keep your head above water or you sink to the depths of the sorrow pool that you can no longer swim in. When things get us down, we have a tendency to want to throw in the towel instead of using it to wipe glorious sweat off of our faces. I can assure you the latter of the two is the best choice since I've been in both that sinking pool and surrounded in the glory of salty sweat.

 Exercise will always rescue us from the things that weigh us down. The good news is that it truly doesn't matter if we are pitter pattering mile after mile on the road or if we are curling the heaviest dumbbells on the rack. I can't run so I walk for as long as my little hurt foot will carry me. When it refuses to walk anymore then I jump on the stationary bike and carry it for a while with little pressure. I'm sure at some point, I will be able to run again. I just haven't made it to that point quite yet so I am learning day by day to be patient and wait for a bit more healing. I'm stopping to smell the roses now and even taking a few pictures of them. It's amazing the things that I have just "ran" by without a second glance in the past. Maybe God just wanted me to back track and take a second look at all I've missed. It makes a bit more sense when I think of it that way. I even saw a butterfly today and waited for him to land perfectly on his favorite flower today and captured it to savor the rare occurance. I hope to one day smile at that very spot when I run by with sweaty palms and a rapidly beating heart. I'm sure those moments are in my near future, but until then, I plan to keep backtracking on all that I've missed. After all my friends, it is but life. We can't plan what we intend to happen, we just have to adapt to what has happened and either sink or float on that beautiful cloud that is there to catch us.

Day in and Day out

I recall dancing with my eliptical as Michael Buble sang, "Save the Last dance for me". I can still remember how wonderful it felt to hold on to those arms and dance away whatever chocolate I had allowed to find it's way into my tummy. It's such an awesome feeling to watch the calories melt away as you listen to your favorite artist in your ears. As a matter of fact it is one of my most treasured past times aside from actually having the opportunity to pitter-patter my feet down a "real" trail with the sun shining on my back; now that my friends is absolutely divine and tastes just as good if not better than the chocolate that usually makes me take my bum there to begin with!

Some things that we do day in and day out, we just assume that we will continue to do, "day in and day out." It's human nature, we did it today and we will be okay to do it tomorrow and in the weeks that follow. I know, because I have been running for over twenty years wherever I may find myself rather it be in Germany, Georgia,  Missouri, South Carolina, Texas, or even now as I make my way down my familiar North Carolina roads. I just know that it's what I will always do, or do I?

The months that have passed since settling in to my new North Carolina home have been challenging to say the least. I have left those familiar NC trails with unfamiliar pains and ended up in a very unfamiliar "cast". Humbling to say the least as I drive by effortless runners only to be sentenced to upper body workouts. It turns out my  day in and day out has turned out to be much different than I anticipated when I arrived. As I sit here today, I am grateful to say that my legs are both free of any kind of running restraint but my foot is still not quite ready to pitter patter it's way down the Airborne trails that surround me here. So, I patiently wait for it to heal enough for me to give it another try. I envy the runners that surround me as I make my way into the gym and see their sunscreened noses and effortless feet making their way down the sidewalk. I make my way to the familiar dumbbells and throw them above my shoulders and smile at the shoulders that they've created but still have a hollow longing in my non-running soul. I look at the eliptical that I once danced with to the sounds of beautiful music in my ears and I decide to give it a try...

I slide my healing right foot in the pocket and lock it in place for the ride. I grab the familiar arms that I danced with so many months before and promise my foot not to lift it from the pocket in which I placed it; it seems like a fair enough compromise to possibly experience the glory of sweat. Ten minutes pass and I feel my shoulders relax. My legs glide back and forth as my foot remains on the platform keeping its half of the deal.
 I turn the speed up a bit as I close my eyes and reach 30 minutes covered in the familiar glory of sweat. I am more grateful for the wet t-shirt that covers me more than any other day that I have ever been in the gym. I smile as my feet agree to give 45 minutes a try. I finish the 45 and pull my sweaty hair out of my face before I walk out the door. I smile as I think of my first victory; small but nonetheless, the first. I make my way out the door and stretch and rotate and massage my healing foot and almost hug it for staying with me without pain. Today I am grateful for the feet that I never thanked, the soul that I finally fed after months of starving and even for the runners that are still pitter-pattering on the sidewalks beside me. There are no guarantees that tomorrow will be exactly like today my friends. Make today a day that you are grateful for all that your body can do. Embrace the abilities that you now have and say thank you for the obstacles that you overcome. We only get one body to carry our weary souls through this beautiful life, take care of it my friends and it will take care of you..

Deception and protection

There are some things that I love to share when I write and some things that I just keep here for those that care to view when they are not reminded that this little blog exists. This moring is one of those mornings that I choose to simply tuck away my thoughts of the morning. I woke up this morning to the same fat little black cat with the really pink nose that sits on my night stand and grunts until I wake up and fill his food bowl. The sequence of events is always the same. I try to plead with him that we need another hour of sleep and he just sits there and grunts like a baby pig staring at me with those big green eyes that I finally give in to as I make my way out of bed.

Despite how irritated I am with him; I always have to pet his head as he purrs and strokes each side of my legs in the excitement of me going with him to the kitchen. I make my coffee and then I follow him and watch as he starts eating before I even finish filling his bowl. I shake my head at how greedy he is and make my way for that first cup of yummy java. He's usually passed out on the rug for his first nap before I even get settled for the first few minutes of the news. I have to sigh and think what a stinker he is when I look at the clock and am reminded that he has managed once again to start my Saturday morning at 6 am.

The first thing on the news as I sipped my much needed java started my day with a bit of a victory. I sighed as I heard them say it for the second time. "Sandusky GUILTY on 45 counts"! What an awesome reason to start Saturday morning early I had to say outloud to my sleepy cat.

I had been watching this high society predator prance his way into the courtroom every morning as I woke up to get my morning fill of the news. It amazed me how cocky he and his wife were as they walked into the courtroom to face the victims that he seemed to think he had the right to wreck the lives of time and time again. I'd heard the stories of the locker room where he'd been caught sexually abusing an innocent boy only to be overlooked by a coward that didn't have the courage to punch him and contact the authorities. It left me in awe to think that a monster could have this much power and be protected this way. His wife sickened me to my very core as she sat there in the body of a loving grandmother and spat yet more harmless words about these recovering victims and how needy they were of her husband.

Maybe it was because I could feel the deep pain of each of those victims and wanted so much for them to receive the justice that they deserved or maybe it was just because I wasn't sure if this prestigious man would have to pay for any of his despicable acts in this unjustice modern world that we all now live in...or maybe because I could see myself there as well, sitting with those victims as I recalled fearing a monster much the same way in my childhood. I needed them to put him away for me too.

I smiled as they painted the picture of this sad victory. "Roaring cheers and screams of joy sweeping through the courthouse door, up the stairs and into the second floor courtroom".......The painting became even more of a masterpiece as they explained the fading picture of his wife...." "startled by the noise of the cheers, she snapped her head upwards but sank low in her seat as she realized that the cheers were in celebration of her husband's demise".....the hands of the jury delivered the perfect stroke of justice on this piece. They handcuffed him and the crowd roared as this once powerful, unstoppable predator was escorted out the same doors that past criminals were taken to be hanged.

Every now and then things happen exactly as they should. My prayers remain for those that still have to recover and move past the terrors of this terrible monster. May time and justice bring them healing though they will never fully recover. May we embrace them all for their courage and may we show the same courage by protecting the youth that surround us.

The emptiness of a new day...

Ahhh Life. It's the one thing that we can't seem to figure out no matter how hard we try. It's the mystery of what has been and what has yet to come. The moments of good and bad, happy and sad, fulfilment and disappointment all determine our days time and time again. We feel powerful, hopeless and sometimes absolutely taken back at some of the things that a new day delivers at our doorsteps. And from time to time a single moment can be so amazing that "Life" can seem the most beautiful experience that we will ever have. When was the last time you had one of those moments?

There are events in our lives that will always live further than our minds and the time that has lapsed since they happened. Those special moments that define us like marrying the person that we think we will love our whole lives, losing the person that we thought would love us our whole lives, bringing the little person into the world that we are certain will love us until our very end and saying goodbye to all of those that the Lord has decided that he is ready to have back. Unfortunately, these events will always take place regardless of the weather forecast or the time that our busy lives have allocated for us to deal with them.

Life will always take place with or without our consent my friends. We can make the calm times good or we can worry about the bad times so much that they steal away the empty days that have yet to come. When a new day is upon us; we should embrace the emptiness of it and work hard to fill it with positive, beautiful things. We should aim to fill these days so full until nothing else could possibly fit in them so we can relax at the end with gentle thoughts of all that we have contributed. Filling these days will help prepare us for the ones ahead of us that are filled without our help or consent. The days that we overfill with moments shared with those we love and care for will help us in the days that arrive without them. There is little time to reflect on difficult, hurtful things as we are given a new day. It's such a waste of space to share those events with a new, empty, promising day. Refuse to give in to the temptation.

Instead, wake up and smell the coffee, get crazy and even drink a cup of it. Walk to a window as you breath in the magnificent smell and hold the warmth against your palm. Smile at the trees and the birds and the life that is happening as you sip each yummy drop. Fill them slowly all the days that you are given. Add some hugs from the little arms that are reaching for you again this morning. Indulge in the sleepy eyes that resemble your own as you throw in some kisses on each sleepy cheek. Give back to those that are less fortunate than yourself. Deliver a Good Morning even if you were greeted with a frown; add some understanding, compassion and love while there is room left. We can make each day of this Life a better one for ourselves and all of those that surround us...one by one, by slowly adding one beautiful thing at a time until we absolutely indulge at the end. This is life, fill it carefully and with much thought so that it doesn't slip away from you.....

Just a closer walk with Thee...

I believe there is a point that each of us eventually reach where we long for something more. The time in our lives when we are tired of trying to match up to those that we consider a threat or that we have been a bit envious of for petty worldly reasons. The time eventually comes; well for the most of us; that we just want to be better and find the place that God has meant for us to reside. The place that is abundant with joy and little sorrow with rainbows and sunshine. However, when we start this journey, the truth of the matter is that sometimes there are a  million cloudy days with no chance of a rainbow or even an ounce of sunshine in site.  I'm learning more and more that this is just the Lord's way of determining if we just want to be with him on the days that offer warmth and happiness or if we are willing to trust in him on the days that are filled with dark clouds and endless amounts of depressing rain. I'm finding more and more that if we are patient through the storms, that after they clear the grass is greener, our vision is clearer and yes the rainbows are brighter then we've ever taken the time to notice; in the many sunshine days that he's blessed us with before. A closer walk with our Father is there for the taking; we simply have to ask with our hearts and he will plant himself right beside us every step of the way.

Even better news is that it doesn't matter what we've done in the past or the person that we were. The times that we were terrible to others and thought only of ourselves are behind us as soon as we ask him for his help and confess to him all of the things that we wish to leave behind us. I must admit, that this seemed a bit too easy for me as I pondered the things of my past while on my knees pleading to my Father to make a new person of me. I can remember feeling ashamed to bring my sins to him as I recalled the many times that I must have failed him and caused him to look down on me in sadness of my choices. But I did it anyway. I gave all of those many unfortunate mishaps to him and promised myself not to look back on them again. That's another amazing thing that I have recently learned my friends. All of our sorrows and stresses can be given to him so that we no longer have to worry our weary humanly minds. We just give them to him and simply trust that he will take care of the outcome. This can seem a bit overwhelming since we think that "we" have the best planned outcome for each situation; but I assure you; the outcome belongs to him anyway ; so the best thing we can do is just place it in his powerful hands...

Now, don't get me wrong; there are many challenges along the way. You see the world that we live in offers many opportunities to want to return to the unfortunate events that we took part in before asking our Mighty Father to rescue us. And our humanly nature craves a bit of those yummy sinful deeds that our mind has not yet been trained to not crave; it's kind of like the foods we eat day to day. The earthly goodies that man has made have the same effect on us. It's hard at the beginning to want to have an apple when there's a chocolate covered icecream in the freezer calling our name. Our bodies have eaten these things for so long that they have become the calling of our taste buds. The good news is that if we committ long enough to not having them; they will no longer be what our bodies demand. And if we do slip up every now and then on a special occassion; the good news is that a bit of cardio will erase the damage before our bodies have the the chance to add an extra pound. I like to compare this journey much the same way. If we decide to indulge in something that we know He will frown upon; we can ask forgiveness and for guidance to get us back on track. However, I'm learning that the best option is to call on him while your mind is having such thoughts and ask him to stop them before they even take place. "Just a closer walk with Thee, Grant it Jesus; hear my plea"

Just a closer walk with Thee, Grant it Jesus, Hear my Plea, I love these words and have found that in my countless times in trying to find my way to the Lord; these have helped me the most. The Lord was gracious enough to bless me with a voice that can melodically sing his praises. I'm not sure that I have been very grateful for this talent in the past and unfortunately have rarely used it to bring glory to him. I plan to change this and use it at every opportunity that he offers me in my new found journey. I recorded this song in my phone so that I am able to hear myself say these words daily. It's a great reminder to hear myself asking the Lord for the walk with him that I have yet to have. It seems to reach me more when I see myself there singing this beautiful hymn to him and I am reminded of the road that I wish to stay on. But should I sway and start to run off a bit; I know that it is his shoulder that will catch me. Life is beautiful my friends; but may we never forget that there is so much more after we are done here. I love you all <3

Change is a good thing...maybe the best of things...

     Ahhhh change. It's just the one thing that none of us can seem to stop. Just when we think we've settled into where we want to be or have even accepted that it's where we are supposed to be; it arrives unexpectedly once again. And the most challenging part of all is that we don't get to decide if we want change; it just kind of forces its self on us. At this point; we only have two choices; we can either keep fighting it and make ourselves unnecessarily miserable, as we lose time and time again; or we can simply embrace it and move forward.

I've done both to be honest. I've cried when change has shown up at my doorstep; even stomped my feet and pouted a bit in hopes that it would go away. But much like many things in this life; experience has taught me to open my palms instead of making tight fists to fight its losing battle. Embracing "change" is the only way we can truly accept what has yet to come.

     I write these words to all of you as I glance out the window of my new North Carolina home. My memories of Missouri mountains and the silly sweet small town that houses them are faintly tucked away in my heart for safe keeping. I've vowed to keep them there for the moments that I need to reach back on my journey of moving forward.

 It's funny the change that God has delivered this time around. He's landed me in a place of old memories with new horizons. A true package of something old, something new and something unknown. It's a bit overwhelming to continue to be the person God wants us to be in a place that we were a person that we no longer want to be. I suppose that's why he put me here; to see if I can still be the person that I was in that silly sweet Missouri town with few obstacles around. It's a bit humbling to say the least, as I think of the confidence that our mighty God has in me time after time.

However, I must admit that he has shown me many things already my friends. He has turned my direction around from where I thought I should go and led me to where he has planned for me to go. With every change; I am learning to listen more. It's amazing how much he speaks to us when our ears are open to his guidance. I pray for the patience to trust in his plan and the will to follow the change that continues to surround me. Today, seems to be a success as I smile at the street that once felt the feet of my little red~headed 2nd grader. It seems even the little people that "change" with us; sometimes find themselves amoungst the old and the new as she hugs the 5th grade shoulders of those that remember her from so many years before...

I suppose change is even more special this time around as we recall the memories of this North Carolina town and explore those that are yet to be found. Life is that way my friends......sometimes, we get to pull out those memories that we stored away and sit them right on the street where they were made so many years ago on a North Carolina Day. It's good to be home my friends.....I love you my sweet North Carolina <3

Run to his embrace*

My exhausted body was an obvious sign that the day wasn't exactly going to be something that I just skated my way through. My neck all the way to my feet ached from the lack of sleep that my mind had cheated me of the night before. And just as I made my way to the kitchen and opted for a protein bar with a diet mountain dew filled with God only knows how many toxins and ingredients that are nothing even close to natural; I should have known that I was setting myself up for failure.

     Drive Abbi to school I told myself and make it to the gym; after that it's easy sailing. So I did just that, dropped off the prettiest, most red-headed, green eyed fifth grader in all of Missouri and kissed her head and delivered a funny joke to make her smile as I rolled back up my window and drove off. I had to see her smile as she headed in those glass doors to start her day~if that didn't happen; a good day for me usually didn't happen. "Touchdown", I thought to myself as I saw those perfect red ruby lips laugh with a beautiful smile as they headed in the door. I felt better already. But what was happening? Why did I have a lump in my throat after seeing that smile and driving off?

     I headed toward the gate to hand the same gate guard my id card that I do every morning; it seemed like such a silly thing to do since he knew my name without even looking and always said it before even taking my id from me. And of course, once again, we laughed at my same goofy joke that I give to him every morning. He would ask me if I was going to lose the same two pounds that I'd lost last week and gained back on the weekend and I'd smile and say, "you got it" and then I'd drive off until time to do it again tomorrow. It was so ridiculous but for some reason even after a million times; it still made us both smile.

     The lump in my throat from the "getting too old" red headed smile was finally starting to fade thanks to my faithful front gate friend so it seemed perfect to finally be pulling up in front of the gym. I rolled my sore body out and packed up my water and music and mouth guard all like a wrestler going to fight a fight or an olympian going to conquer his greatest feat and I headed to the place that always rescued me from the worries of my life. But today was different; as I turned on my music and started my workout, the irritating "your battery is low voice" reminded me that my tunes would soon expire for the day. I looked at the eager marines around me and opted to leave than hear whatever they had to say to each other or me once I unlocked myself from the security of my earphones. This is when I knew my day was going to be a struggle...

I decided I'd charge up my music a bit and just run. I felt like I needed to run to free whatever the stress was that was trying to take over my weary mind and body today. I got things ready and headed to my trusty start spot and realized that I'd forgoten my headphones~strike two I thought as I put the key in the ignition and headed back down the road to get them. I ran in the house and grabbed them and made my way back to the car. The phone rang with a number that I didn't realize and of course the red-headed beauty that Id kissed moments before had forgotten something so I had to go back to school to deliver it to her~strike two, failure to pack everything she needed. Finally, I headed back to my spot, earphones and music in hand and I hit start on my gps....ahhhhhh, it felt so great even from the start as my feet pitter~pattered away down the road......but then, the music was only in one ear...I shook the wire, tugged at the earpiece, beat my Ipod but it just refused to play, so I refused to run and my chest grew heavier. I gave in to defeat as the tears streamed from my eyes.

     I'm sure to the world around me I must have appeared to be quite the pitiful runner as I walked and cried back to my car. I'd needed my music and my run today more than any other day in such a long time. It had nothing to do with exercise but with the comfort of exercise. I felt it's embrace for a few seconds and then as quick as it came; it slipped away, so I cried and then I cried some more. I cried as I walked and when I got to my car; I layed my head on the console and I cried some more. I cried for the town that I'd come to love that I now had to leave and I cried for the red-headed fifth grader that was growing up way too fast. I cried and I cried for all of the things that I just can't seem to get right and I cried for all of the things that I'd finally managed to get just right.....and then I got back in my car and found my way to another set of earphones....

     I put them in my ears and dried the red eyes that still refused to stop delivering warm salty tears to my lips and I ran... And as my now sniffly nose breathed in the smell of the beautiful Missouri trees around it~I ran some more. I didn't time myself for I was beyond needing this run to prove to myself that I could beat a previous time or reach a certain mileage. I simply just needed to be held by it's arms as I pitter~pattered my way down each road not caring when it ended or which one I took next. I could feel my chest get lighter and my eyes getting dryer as the miles passed; the embrace of this feeding of my soul never letting go but holding me still as I glided through each winding path in front of me. I knew that few would understand what I found on these paths as the world drove by around me. Things that they found on church pews or altars with pastors standing over them praying for their healing. But me, I needed my feet to take me there...for them to pitter~patter me to him even if it took 3 tries to finally make it to the start and 6 miles to find him waiting for me on the other side. But he was always there for me no matter what I'd done, where I'd been or what state of weariness I'd found myself in....maybe it's because he's a selfish God and he wants my full attention or maybe because I just feel like I want to run to him so many times in my life. I suppose only he knows but as long as I find him there; I will run with the legs that he gave me to find him with.........and love him with the heart that he planted in my chest to love him with....and when I depart....I will leave him with the worries that thanks to him; I no longer have to worry with....God is so good my friends, "Run" to him*

The Years that Matter

Do you ever really think about how amazing our minds are? They can help us, hurt us, and sometimes they can run straight away from us. I know from experience that from time to time we allow our minds and our ever-emotional heart to have too much power. We indulge in the misery that the two of them together can sometimes deliver. But did you know that we don't have to? It's true believe it or not. It turns out that the only things that make us miserable are the things that we allow to make us miserable. The sad truth is that I have let many things make me miserable many times. I could have used this bit of info at the start of my teens and my life would have been a lot easier!

However, I suppose that's how the Good Lord plans things. The lessons that we learn during our foolish years are lessons that mold us to be wiser in the years that really matter. The only responsibility we have is to decide when we are officially ready for our years to matter. Yep, turns out that decision is up to us as well. An amazing thing happens when we finally decide that we are ready for our "wiser" years; right at that very moment we become wiser.

 If it hasn't happened to you yet, be patient; it will. It will be when you least expect it. It will hit you all at once one morning when you are washing your face and beside your eyes you see a few lines that you hadn't seen before. You will cuss them for showing up and reminding you of the years that are quickly passing by. And when you look again you will see the lines that trace every laugh that has ever forced your mouth to smile. You'll sigh that such happy moments must leave an imperfection behind.

The true test, however, is what happens when you look back one more time before starting your day. You will know that the "years that matter" have arrived for you if you simply laugh at how ridiculous you've become.

You will allow your mind to ponder the moments that have left their stamp on your face. Moments that make you smile again because they can't be replaced. People you have loved that are now gone away. A little hand that grabbed yours because they wanted to play. The one that promised forever to be by your side. The times you were awful because of your pride. The many times you frowned and yelled way too loud. The way you felt when you saw your little one for the first time; you've never been so proud. And now before you in the mirror is your map, of places that you've been and things you can't take back. But in front of us lies the road that we have yet to see, that holds the secret to a wiser you and me. The amazing thing is that it was here all along; waiting for us to find it to fix our wrong. Our Dear God with all of his might, loves us when were awful and loves us when were right. So my dear friend take but a day to be a better you and live another way. And when life makes you foolish simply try again; for he loves us despite ourselves-our true and faithful friend.

"A reason to hope"

As I poured the "less than filling" protein shake into a glass to fill my grumbling tummy; I shook my head at the nerve of the scale weighing me in a pound heavier this morning. My legs ached, my back was so sore I could barely stretch and even my feet needed some major TLC after running 5 miles yesterday. AND I GAINED A POUND! I was seriously feeling sorry for myself as I yelled at my phone for buzzing me an email.

I needed something to distract me from the buttery english muffin that I was considering so I picked up my phone and read the notification that awaited me. "The General's Wife's Rememberance" was the title of the message that interrupted the pity party I was about to have for myself. I knew the news too well since I'd heard about it days before. The wife of a soldier or should I say the wife of one of the Army's best soldiers; a General. I'd thought of her days before when I'd heard this terrible news. I'd pictured her standing at her husbands side at events not really understanding the traditions of the Army but knowing her place very well. But as I continued to read; I learned more about her than I'd ever imagined.

"The daughter of a retired soldier" she was raised a military brat; and of course I had to think of my own little red headed girl that is growing up much the same way. "She served her country for 21 years"and I had to sigh as I realized she was but a warrior herself. Shortly after she was married and was a giving military wife and mother for 27 years. I could see her now this beautiful soul that I'd never known but my eyes now cried for. A daughter, a wife, a mother, and a soldier that served her country for 21 years herself and then another 27 by her husbands side.

She will be remembered for her warm smile, soothing voice, soft and accepting heart and infectious state of happiness. "Infectious state of happiness" I thought to myself as I stood there pondering the many things that should have me in this state right at this very moment. I continued to read about the wonderful 4 children she'd raised and the unselfish way she continued to give to her country. And then I read of her last 15 months here and the special bonds that she developed with cancer survivors as she fought to survive herself.

Beautiful and Gracefully she walked through the doors of Walter Reed Hospital handing out copies of Dr. Michael S. Barry's book, "A reason for Hope". Once again fighting to help others while never losing her beautiful soul. And just when I thought this rare gem of a woman could give no more to those that she's left behind; she asked for donations in lieu of flowers to help with the continued fight against cancer. I suppose a flower would do little justice to a woman of this magnitude anyway so they will hardly be missed. Unlike this angel that God sent here for 49 years to spread her wings and now fly away.

Once again I am reminded that Angels do live among us. We sometimes miss them until they are gone because they make such a small fuss when they are here. But when they are gone, their message is still left behind; and we forever have an angel we have never met lingering in our mind.

"A reason for hope" is what this angel wished to give ...

A reason for us to smile to laugh and to just want to live...

A reason to be grateful though the days are sometimes tough...

A reason to believe that there will always be enough...

A reason to know that Angels really do exist...

For what else could explain a woman as rare as this?

That even in her last days when she shouldn't have been able to cope...

She wanted nothing more than to give us "A reason to hope"...


In honor of Barbara Corrinne Inch, the angel that lived among us from October 1st, 1962 to February 1st 2012.

Decisions...

Have you ever really thought about how many decisions our "already busy" minds have to make every day? And have you ever took a minute to think about how many times we make the same stupid decisions that lead to the same "stupid" consequences? Finally, once you've actually took a minute to ponder that; do you just sit there and say to yourself "what in the hell am I doing"?

We all have and I'm certain that we all will again, unfortunately. But have you ever stopped right at the moment that you saw yourself heading down "same stupid decision" avenue and hit the brakes right there in the middle of traffic? Did you smile when you saw the accident in front of you that you never let happen? And didn't it just feel absolutely amazing to take control even though you thought it would feel better to lose it?

Decisions can make our lives happier or more difficult. Sometimes the decisions that we make can even make us fatter (like having that 2nd piece of pie) when we should have stopped at one. Fortunately, the only consequence of such a small indescrepency is more time on the treadmill to burn it off. But tonight I wish for you all to think of the much bigger decisions that effect you...Those decisions that effect someone more than you.

We all wish for beautiful rainbows without a cloud in site. We want people to love and respect us and for God to treat us just right. But have you ever really thought about the part of that happiness that we control? I believe that sometimes the things that we pray about are not delivered because we fail to deliver. I believe this is true because I've learned to slam the brakes and see for a moment the pain of an "almost mistake". You must be cautious when you ask the Lord to help you not to make them again. For it is then that he will paint those many faces so clearly for you to see...that foolish decisions effect more than just me.

So my hope for you my friends on this very late night.
Is that you can avoid decisions that you know just aren't right.
For no one can hide from them for very long.
And when we ask for help again the Lord may just move on...
Not because he doesn't want to help us turn ourselves around...
But maybe simply so he can show us the destruction of a decision that isn't sound...
So take a single second and maybe count to ten...
And ask yourself should I make this foolish decision again...
I'm certain you will see the faces that paint your world...
maybe with beautiful green eyes or the perfect little girl...

And as you walk away with the consequence you will never face...
The feeling you will have will be one you cannot replace...
For there is nothing as rewarding as the place you didn't know..
The people you never hurt and the way you finally decided to grow..

{shall we all do our part, one by one to make this world a better place and happier place for those special people that decorate our small worlds}

"Reach for the Stars because sometimes you might catch one"

Sometimes you have a dream but it seems too far away...

So you tuck it in your pocket until another day...

And just when you'd forgotten you wished it would come true...

Right there at that moment it happens to you...

You stare at your name on the page that's all your own...

And smile at the words that helped you when you were alone...

And then it came though you tried not to let it appear...

running down one cheek the warmest little tear...

And though this was a happy tear with no sadness in sight...

somehow it just fit and seemed to be just right...

so this is once again just a little rhyme...

to celebrate this small dream of mine...

So find my little book; it's sitting in the store...

and as you read the one that made it through the door...

I will be here writing the book that has not one page but many, many more...

(Just a little poem to celebrate being published in the World Poetry movement's new book Stars in Our Hearts, Moments found in every book store in the U.S. and online) "Reach for the stars my friends because every now and then-you just might catch one" JGIRL

Run..

My legs are happy as my fingers talk to you tonight my friends. They are thrilled to be resting on the quilt that has blocked the cold of the soft leather chair that they rest upon. However, they are only happy because I am not moving and I assure you; they are not looking forward to the time when I have to get up from this comfy seat. The only good news of this pain is that it is the result of two "almost 5 mile" runs in two days. Which is quite a victory after hybernating like a warm bear from the winter cold. And not only is this good news but now that I've come out from my winter hybernation; I just can't seem to get enough of the road that is in front of me.

Sunday morning was my limit-I'd gone as many times as I could go on one of those "keep me warm" cardio machines in the corner of the gym. I just couldn't stare another moment at the tv or the wall in front of me while I struggled minute by minute for the session to be complete. I needed to be a part of the road and watch the sky and the trees pass by as my feet pitter-pattered to an unknown path. And even if the sky was still cold and the frost still dusted the grass-it was time to give in and be a part of it; so I did.

I stood there as the cold turned my nose a hue of pink and smiled at the frosty sky... I couldn't wait to take off, though I didn't know why...And just as these thoughts crossed my pondering mind...I left them there far behind...For now there was no doubt as my feet climbed each hill...That I'd wanted to be here simply for the thrill..To be a part of something that will never change...despite the cold the heat or the rain...The beauty of the earth even when it's bare....is amazing to witness as we run from here to there...So sometimes take a chance and think of nothing but the things..that will always be no matter what life brings...The sun and the sky the hills and the trees...the simple things that God made for you and me..Lace up your shoes and run through them slow..no need to go fast-as long as you go...