Maybe.."We are what we eat"

Have you ever really thought about the food that you put in your "temple" to help it run? I've pondered this thought lately as I pitter-patter through 60 daily minutes of cardio to attempt to "spring clean" the yummies of winter from my body. It leads me to believe time and time again that maybe we truly are what we eat.

I've been everything from chubby to fat, plump and then back to down right skinny. I've eaten everything, a little and even gone down to almost nothing in an effort to reach a weight that I am comfortable being. However, when I finally get back to the basics and simply eat the things that I know my body actually absorbs and uses, the same thing is always the case....I look amazing.

It leads me to wonder why most of us still manage to find it so difficult to eat healthy. We've read the charts time and time again; color is good, hence veggies, protein makes us beautiful and is proven to be the fuel for healthy hair, nails, and skin; but yet we still see "cute" women pretending to be vegetarians and depriving their bodies of the nutrients that it needs. Eat my friends! If we grow it then it will do something incredible for our bodies. If it's fried, then it will probably lead us to some type of medical problem later on. Six times a day we are given the opportunity to fuel our bodies so why do we keep falling short?

I challenge each and every one to appreciate the beautiful temple that the Lord has blessed you with and fill it with some of the foods that he has put here for us. I can assure you that it doesn't come in the form of simple white sugars. Let me know how great your feeling after this week. I challenge you because I want each and every one of you to be a healthier you..

And isn't there enough "skinny need to eat" women and "slow down before you have a heart attack" men out there for all of us to work toward being "How did you build that tone body" people out there?It's time we each take a step towards becoming a healthier American for our country and our children. There is a sense of urgency, and we can't wait anymore to start. Life is short my friends, help your body stay here a little longer...

The sun was more powerful than the sky this morning as it made its way through the clouds and demanded that this be the second day of spring. I could breathe better than I had in weeks, despite the pollen that I knew would soon follow this beautiful day. I decided at that very moment; I wouldn't think about the sneezes and runny eyes that these beautiful days bring with them. I would only indulge in the warmth of the sun in my face...

Life is like that sometimes I suppose. We spend so much time thinking about the effects of the pollen that we never see the flowers. But then one day the sun hits us right on the cheek and we see them right before us hinting that the cold winter has gone away...

So today I say goodbye to winter and all of the bitter cold that it forced me to survive.

I believe that sometimes events and even people in our lives can be pretty similiar to the seasons of our world. I have had many blizzards over the past few months without even a trace of a piece of ice. Encountered things and people that have been colder than the worst of storms.

But there comes a time when we have to insist that it's Spring and let the winter pass. It's the time that we dust off whatevers brought us down and we stand right there as the sun shines our cheeks rosy.

We make our way once again to the goals that we left behind and vow to make them reality once again. And just when you think that "old man winter's" stold a bit of your strength; you throw up a pair of weights that equal your own. You try with everything you have not to prance around and jump up and down at yourself as the onlookers look unimpressed. You are able to control everything but the smirk that you give just to yourself to show your appreciation for such a dedicated body. Okay, so you give in and strut just a little, just because it makes you giggle....

And then you do the same weight again and can't help but have a little grin. You finally make it to the door and things are better than they were before. You lace up your sneaks and go your way. Pitter-pattering your feet away. Running without the simplest care with a light soul and bouncing hair...And legs that still carry you despite the things you had to do...To make "old man winter" say goodbye..forgetting the tears you had to cry...For today you just run with no route in mind...letting it be spring because it's time...and when you stop and look around, you see that winters no where to be found....so you smile a big smile and take a deep sigh...and giggle as you say "goodbye"....

The Japanese soul...

I watched as the waters washed away the very existence and humanity of all of those that called this place home. It's beyond the imagination the magnitude of the colossal wave that slammed through so many lives last week.

As I do with most things I encounter; once again, I watch the stories with my heart. I cry for those that cannot find their loved ones beneath the ruin that remains. Their foreign tears are felt within the very depths of my soul.

It is not the pictures of the flattened earth that sadden me so terribly; but yet the faces as they cry words in a language that I can't understand. I am certain that I am not alone when I admit that I will never understand God's reasoning for much of the sufferings that We must encounter. I question what good could come from such a tradgedy of so many hurting hearts.

A tradgedy that equals only that of the events of World War II is hard to swallow in our modern world. It only leads me to believe that despite our greatest efforts, some tradgedy's we will never be able to prepare for..

When we reach these moments in our lives, it leads us once again to yell and cry and scream and weep. We feel angry for a moment that so many could lose their lives in such a short moment. And then at some point, we simply give in once again and pray to the God that is in charge of it all.

Then...We see signs that even in this place, We once again see the Lords Face..He is that of an old Japanese man who walks all alone..Crying a bit with even a moan...but when they ask him what is his goal...he simply says to keep my Japanese soul...and although many will think it is not intact...I must differ because it is just that...and then we see him sit on the ground...skimming the pages of the treasure he's found...a simple album of all of his kin...and his promise to find them again..

And then we see them face after face...the people that have lost all they have in this place...with tears falling down each foreign cheek...as they hug each familiar person they meet...May we remember my dear friends..that this could happen once again..in a land that is not so foreign or far away...because we are promised nothing more than today...so grab those you love and tell them so...because in this world you just never know...

Laugh til your tummy aches...

It just seemed so unfair for the bitter cold wind to hit me in the face this morning as I helped unload the red-headed beauty that had kept me company for over ten years now. Despite the chill of the wind and the lack of the coat that I'd run out of time to grab this morning; I felt an oddness of warmth inside my soul.

I credited it of course to the green eyes that smiled back at me and grabbed my hand as we headed in to face the grumpy secretary in the front office that frowned at us when we were a few minutes late. Little did she know that it would be her grumpiness that would entertain us after school today when we later got a chance to laugh at how irritated she gets and the silly looks she gives us. As a matter of fact watching her at that moment, it was all I could do not to laugh at the thought of how well my green eyed beauty could imitate those very same expressions.

It later led me to think about expressions throughout my day as I encountered frowns and smiles and even a few down right ugly scowls. I started to wonder if we in fact would make an effort to avoid the looks we give each other if we could see ourselves in a mirror throughout our hectic days? And right at that moment, I looked at myself in the mirror with a frown, and then I smiled. It was amazing the comfort a simple smile gave me. It was as if for that very second someone brought me the perfect fancy coffee with just the right cream and sugar. The taste of it was absolutely divine.

What happened next brought my silly smile to a complete laugh. As I glanced in the mirror one last time before heading to work; I saw this lady walk by and give me an eye roll at how silly she thought I was sitting in a parking lot smiling in my rear view mirror. I laughed that I'd gotten caught staring at myself and because she'd embarrassed me a bit. It felt like a refill of that perfect coffee as my insides filled with laughter.

It was a much needed start to a sleepless night. I do believe, I smiled at everyone I encountered for the rest of my day. Happy, light and absolutely letting go of the things that had weighed me down so many days before. And I had to wonder...can smiles and laughter be the cure to the stresses this world lays before us? Of course, the writer in me had to conduct further research; and what I found made want to giggle until my belly ached.

It turns out that laughter has been proven to relieve pain, bring greater happiness, and even increase immunity. It all made perfect sense. I knew I needed another dose of the healer right away...so right at that moment, 20 minutes ahead of schedule; I drove to that same grumpy secretary's desk and requested my green eyed laughing girl. As soon as she saw me around the corner we both let out the biggest giggle at the very same time looking at the look on "miss grump's" face.

I grabbed that sweet little hand and headed to the door...it was even funnier than it had been before...We jumped in the car and as we drove away...I laughed as I heard my little beauty say..."why are you late yet again?" "Did you have a busy mornin" with the same expressions as that grumpy bear...a frowned mouth and a busy stare...And I laughed at her and she at me...and knew the research was true this was therapy...So laugh away at your life instead...of letting everything fill your head...And each and every time you can...grab your little ones tiny hand...and return the smiles she gives to you...and the happiest life will find you too...

The river is calm no more...

There are things in this world that will never leave us. Good and bad, happy and sad. Things that we can store away to the depths of our minds and hide away with no intention of ever trying to find. We can go most of our lives and allocate less than a second of thoughts on those things that we have locked away to the rivers of our souls.

Sometimes they sneak up on us, but the power that we have gained through the years pushes them back into the darkness of the calm waters. And once again without even the sound of a drip the black waters wash away, far away from the forefronts of our minds.

We smile at those around us and continue with the happiness that surrounds us. The new happiness that is accompanied by new faces and faces that look much like our own and we embrace the moment in complete control. We go along with whatever event is laid before us and take charge of it and make it as "perfect" as those around us would expect it to be. We are successful, happy, prosperous and in complete control as we perform for the audiences in our lives; so much so that every now and then, we even get a standing ovation.

But then one day it happens again; that single second of a thought makes it's way to the shore, escaping the calm waters that we buried it in. Our power seems defenseless and despite our efforts, we can't get it to return to the darkness. It starts to feel as if it has brought the darkness with it. The more we try, the harder it is to fight. It's strength is too mighty for us. We find thought after thought racing it's way to the shores of our minds. We are certain that the dam that we built has been demolished by the strength that time has allowed them to create.

We reach for anything and everything that we think will save us, but as we reach; we find more hurt. We discover that there are ones that we love that are fighting the same exact storm within the depths of their very own souls. We run when we can think of nothing else to do. Our minds are racing trying to catch us and we run faster and further promising to never stop until exhaustion forces us to rest. Exhaustion never comes and we just fall to our knees and wrap our weary limbs around them as we lace the hands that have yet to pray.

We cry for ourselves. We cry for the ones that we never knew fought this storm too. The tears continue to fall but the thoughts never stop. We look towards the sky but the calm is never promised.

We raise ourselves to our feet. And instead of running away we make our way to the thoughts we have to meet..We welcome them in, despite the pain..dry our eyes til there is no more rain..we make a promise to bring them to the shore..so that we can find a way to deal with them once more..Our hearts ache as we see them now, one by one..the parts of our lives that were taken by someone..and at that very moment we raise our hands above our head..and promise to awaken the part of us that was dead..and to not be ashamed but to make that someone pay..that decided to give us thoughts that we've had to hide away...

it won't matter how we look in 20 years...

I was sad for him. He had been my friend for so long that I'd let him see the true me a million times; and to tell the truth; the true me wasn't always such a colorful rainbow on a perfectly sunny day. The good thing though, was that he'd always accepted the good and the bad, happy and even sad. My ups and downs, smiles and "too many frowns".
He was just my best friend. I was certain of this fact because who else in this world forgives us for the hurtful things we do to them over and over again? Who else loves us even when we have problems loving ourselves? And no matter the crime, who always answers the phone every single time we call?

I take the time tonight to share these things with you so that I can make a single or maybe if I really think about it, many points. The first being that, no matter how lost we may feel in this world; there is always another soul that is worse off than our selfish selves. I know this to be true because sometimes I have days when I feel like my heart will just explode because of the events of the day, but then 3:20 gets here and outside the door where I park every day at that time is the prettiest, red-headed fourth grader that exists in this world; and despite whatever happened up to that point; I am able to smile at the beautiful gift the Lord blessed me with.

Sometimes, I work out for more than 10 hours in a week trying to beat a scale that refuses to give me the weight that I want it to give. I step on it before I head to the gym and then when it reads off; I slip off my shoes, then my sweats and curse it as I head out the door to add an extra mile to my run. It seems like the most important thing in the world at the time as I glide mile after mile and imagine myself at the perfect weight in the tiniest jeans I've ever owned. I smile at the thought as I pass a mom pushing her new baby with the lightest, happiest, most cheerful of faces that I have ever seen a mommy have as she smiles at the bundle that has added extra pounds to her hips. I hold my head down at the guilt I feel for complaining about a scale cheating me of 5 pounds.

I look at the face that shows many of my years...of the changing eyes that have cried so many tears...then I look at my lips and the lines of the smiles...and am grateful they will be there for such a long while..And I remember the words that seemed so small then...the words that came from that very best friend...As he said to me J, you look different than before..and I didn't want to hear what he said anymore...then he said with a pause but with feelings so dear..it wont matter how we look in 20 years...And I didn't know then, but I think now I do..that life is life because of you...so rather we are beautiful or big or small..those things matter little or maybe not at all..its what we do while we are here..it's who we get to hold close and are lucky enough to be near..it's not the perfect weight, face or things..but rather the life that we live and the happiness it brings...So my best friend, once again...thanks for the lesson you have sent me to spend..I will not save it but use it right away..and remember that life isn't tomorrow, but is right here for us to live today..

"uncluttered"

I smiled as I headed out the door and met the sunshine that had abandoned me for the all of the days of the New Year. It was quite a glorious site and I knew it would be hard for my "can't wait to beat the street feet" to make it through an upper body workout before heading out to breathe it all in.

Finally, I finished the workout that kept me in the gym on such a beautiful day and made my way to the door. Once again, I could see the sunshine peeping through the breezy morning...I had to take a second to indulge. I just stood there and stretched like a lazy morning cat and smiled at the beautiful blue Missouri sky. I truly can't explain what happened next, but am quite certain that it was absolutely magical...

I exhaled all of the air that had been trapped within my very soul as I raised my hands above my head stretching once more to the God above me. I could feel all of the stresses of the weeks before escaping as I lowered my hands to my sides and bent to tie my laces. And when I could wait not a moment more...I let my feet lead me down the sunlit path as my legs and arms effortlessly glided along.

I truly can't tell you the way I felt as I ran mile after mile. My body seemed weightless and my chest lighter than air. My mind almost empty without a thought but a simple peace. It was as if I'd hit delete and erased every thought that wouldn't go away; like I'd finally figured out the special code to let go of it all. I'd read of people that had practiced everything from prayer to meditation to get this feeling and I knew that I was in that place. I could feel my cleansed mind and knew that the clutter was gone.

I came to the end of my run but ran some more with nothing but the sound of my renewed inner being and the simple pattering of my feet. I didn't even need Sinatra singing in my ears today to keep running. I believe that I thought of nothing but just took in the trees and the roads before me. I smiled at the renewed me that I'd found in front of a gym stretching like a cat especially when I had spent countless days and weeks searching everywhere from books to cathedrals to find it.

I thought of all of the people that I'd seen chanting the Lotus Sutra in Sanskrit or even humming a special 'Om' to reach this stillness and I knew that I had finally found my way there as well. I felt rich and vibrant and completely free of any worries that were in my heart before. I could no longer reflect on the regrets of the past or even worry about the future. I stopped and raised my hands again above my head as I stretched and took in the world around me.

I'd stood in this spot a hundred times before but it was so much different this time. I could see the old oak tree that hung down the asphalt path as it branches reached down to shake my hand and the grass was unusually green despite many snow days in the days before. The world around me was beautiful; I suppose it was even on the days I didn't notice. And as I headed to make my way to a distracting world once again; I saw a purple flower leaning on the old oak tree. It seemed more out of place than even me. Standing there all alone but still alive...despite the winter its had to survive...it just leaned on the old tree...maybe just so I could see...that no matter how many cold days you have to endure...there is one thing you know for sure..if you can just find a place to lean...the world will seem a little less mean...and if somehow you can just hold on...the day will come when you can make it alone..so little purple flower without a care...I hope that you will stay right there..and that the sunshine were blessed with today...will warm you and keep you for another cold day...

just our hands...

I love Frank Sinatra, which seems quite bizarre since he was born in 1915 almost a whopping 60 years before myself and I'd never really listened to him until a couple of months ago when a friend told me to pull up a song that he loved. I was in love right away with his words and the way he sang them.

I suppose it's why I became a writer after some of the years passed by in my life. They provided me with an appreciation of words and the ability to use them to tell the stories of the happenings that have brought me both joy and pain and sorrow and shame.

I believe another thing that me and Mr. Sinatra have in common is the ability to "sing" our words so that our listeners can feel them even more. However, it is quite unfortunate that my stubborn earlier years never were responsible enough to learn to read music so I have to find the songs on the piano with just the guidance of my fingers and my ears. Sometimes this can be quite a daunting task, although quite rewarding when it is finished. It leads me once again to think about the hands that write to you right now the things that fill my mind once again.

Have you ever really thought just about the fingers that tap away on your computer as you chat with friends online or work on the report that you wish you could finish already? Or the text that pops up in your phone that you can't wait to reply to as you giggle at the silliness of it? And the laughs it brings as your fingers speak words to someone too far away to see your lips. I think it's absolutely magnificent the power these long lean, sometimes short and stubby or calloused or smooth little but sometimes big fingers have.

And isn't it great to just take a moment from the madness of the world and smile at our simple busy fingers? As a matter of fact just typing that made me smile down at mine as they typed away. So with this simple little blog,I wish just to say..never forget at the end of a bad day...to look to your fingers that adorn your hand...and remember just a small memory and a smiles sure to land..rather it be one that brings a tear to you...of a time when one of your fingers didn't have one ring but two..or when you could do nothing else for someone you love...but hold their hand until they went up above..and just as a tear starts to fall I wish you not to worry no, not at all...because once again reaching without a command...is that little finger attached to your hand...to wipe away another tear though there are many yet to come..our little fingers will never complain and they will catch them til there's none...

"Anonymous" !

Did you ever wish that words didn't have the power that they have? Have you ever just sat and read something that just made you gasp and hurt seconds after you came to the period at the end?

I logged onto my blog to once again share with all of you the events of my day. I was thinking of sharing the ticket that the cop with the big rim hat seemed to think I deserved yesterday, but just as I was thinking of the words I wanted to say; I decided to browse the words that all of you had to say instead.

I saw them there post after post the words that told me how inspiring and how much my writing has affected all of you with your names posted below your comments so that I would know that you had stopped by. I read each and every one and finally made my way to the top to a post that didn't want me to identify them at all. "Anonymous" was the name of our mysterious visitor that made their way around my words that I'd taken the time out of my day to share or sometimes just to download to all of you. I read the words aloud of our new visitor "I finally made my way to your blog, and I have to say that I have never seen the likes of such a self centered, self absorbed and selfish person that to tell you the truth inspires no one but the only person she cares about, herself. I recommend psychiatric help"."

Finally, and I assure you not a moment too soon, the period let me know that it was time to stop reading. I did what I usually do when something shocks me and hurts the so easily hurt feelings that I wish weren't so fragile; I sat there and I cried...Then I thought of every person that I know and wondered who would of wrote such terrible words? Finally, when I couldn't come up with an answer; I cried some more. I'm certain that a lot of the tears that I allowed for these silly words were just the added stress of the $100 dollar ticket that I'd gotten only hours before. However, I was certain that some of the water that continued to fall from my eyes was for my unknown friend, "anonymous".

I thought a lot about the words as I tried to fall asleep last night. It's another trait about myself that doesn't thrill me; I over-think every emotional second of my life. I used to beat myself up about it a lot, but as I've gotten older; I have become quite comftorable with blaming it on the fact that I am a woman. And no matter how many books college educated men may try to write about us; it is just impossible to completely figure out the emotional state of a "woman". So I finally came up with this answer to my "anonymous" commenter and I hope that "she" is able to read our follow-up blog.

And of course I am certain that "Mrs. Anonymous" is a she because who else would beg for us to listen to what they have to say but a woman? Especially since most of us know that a man doesn't take the time to talk to us when he is just a sofa away from us and will do anything for us not to talk to him so that he can finish watching whatever is on the tv in front of that sofa. So with what my keen mind figured out about "Mrs. Anonymous" , I came up with a message for her so that she will at least know that "I" have listened to what she has had to say.

"Mrs. Anonymous", I would just like to say thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment so that you can be heard on my blog much like the rest of my followers. "Self centered" is not a comment that I usually see lingering around in my inbox, but will definitely consider explaining why you might have gotten this impression of me from my blog. I am not sure if you workout yourself or the state of your physical fitness at all, since you are merely a "fan" without a name on my comment page; and yes, you are a fan, seeing how you took the time to write a paragraph just for me. Thanks for giving me some of the precious moments of your day.

I looked up "Self Centered" in Websters dictionary so that I could defend myself a bit more and this is what it said...Self Centered- Independent of outside force or influence, concerned with ones desires, needs or interests. After reading these words, I had to admit that a few of these applied to me. I am certain that the 22 plus times I pull myself up on a pull-up bar or the 60 minutes of cardio that I do 5 days a week are not because I am concerned by the influences of others. I am also certain that I am concerned with my needs and the needs of my body to be as fit as it can possibly be despite the sacrafices that I have to continuously make or the outside forces that I cannot always be a part of because of those sacrafices. So, if self-centered is what I have to be two hours a day to go beyond what the normal couch potato is willing to do, then I suppose you are correct.

The next word that you chose to describe me was "Self Absorbed" and the definition reads-absorbed in ones own thoughts, activities or interests. Hmmmm, I suppose, you probably got me here once again. My thoughts are amazing how they keep my mind running day after day, hour after hour. As a matter of fact, it is the reason that I write to all of you here; so that I can download them and get more sleep at night. So, with that said, I suppose you got me; I am quite into my own thoughts and activities, but it leads me to wonder just how I would look if I didn't partake in my two hour activity at the gym everyday. I hope you agree, that you can hardly fault me for that.

Finally, your last words to me were that I was selfish and needed psychiatric help. I didn't even go to the dictionary this time to defend myself against this one "Mrs. Anonymous". I will just simply end with this. Aren't we all selfish from time to time if were truly truthful with ourselves? And if you really stepped back and thought of the time that you took away from something really important in your life to leave such a shocking paragraph for me; wouldn't you have to admit that it was selfish to spend so much time typing a paragraph that would only hurt the feelings of a powerful writer? Your last words before the period that finally led me to stop reading were that I need to see a psychiatrist. I didn't even have to think about this one, "Mrs. Anonymous", and I'm sure you would agree. Don't we all? And wouldn't it be the best luxury in the world if we were all able to take the time out of our day and lay on a dam leather couch and just release all of our problems to a doctor that has nothing more to do with her day than listen? Now, that would be the life....but, unfortunately, "Mrs.Anonymous", I have to take my "Self-Centered" bum to the gym!

the chance ...

I sit here tonight feeling very powerful as I type away the letters that will lead to the words I want to say to all of you tonight. I am 5 days into the preparation of a 31 week journey that will take me across a hardwood floor in crystal heels once again. I have taken an extra step to ensure that my chances are as great as they can possibly be to see if a dream can finally make it's way to my door. I have found greater company to cheer me on and hold my hand through the entire journey with nothing but magical wishes for a dream to come my way....

The beautiful city of St Louis has offered me a show that tests each of the women that will be standing beside me to ensure that we are all on the same sheet. So, the conditions are all in my favor with nothing left but the 31 weeks of work and dedication that it requires to get there. I am up for the challenge my friends.

It's a funny thing how something so overwhelming as preparing for the first show you've attempted in 2 years can help you deal with the stresses of your life. I can't explain it, but when my life is full of things that I can't quite figure out; I always find myself reaching for a dream that I have yet to fill.

Working out soothes my soul and lightens my chest and I'm able to face any hardships that come my way. It gives me a superpower that few will ever take the time to know. My mind can sometimes wander to places that are painful to remember or sad to have to forget. They can make tears fall from my eyes and breaths turn to sighs. They can sometimes make me want to scream out loud or hit something really hard...but no matter how bad or sad they ever are; I can always make them go away.

Of course, that's the thing about working out; it doesn't go away completely just because you made it to your magical place. It numbs it just enough to make you want to keep coming back. However, sometimes when you keep coming back others tend to think it has nothing to do with settling your mind, but instead think of you as having an obsessive mind. This is the moment my friends when you beat them at their own thoughts and their attempts to keep you away.

You tell them about your show and that they must let you be...that you have to put in extra time and that they just must see...and leave you alone to be with just your gym...that's when you work out and forget thoughts of them...and of all of those that are hurting you now..doing things that you just can't see how...and just when you think these thoughts won't let you go...you find the place that only you know..with no one around though the gym has quite a crowd..there's only you feeling so proud...and then you pullup for number 22 and do another but only for you..and you take off your gloves and take in a deep breath...and smile at the wonderful life you have left..and stand there in awe at the moments before... how you couldn't remember what you had to live for...but once again your mind is clear..and focusing only on a time that is near...to walk on a stage with heels shining high..and looking your best though they'd never believe why...because of a mind that needed the chance...to spend time somewhere else so that it could dance...so take me there my weary soul...and heal my heart and give me my goal...

For "Myself"

So today as I ran across the "too long", "too cold" parking lot that's "too far away" from the gym door; I started to wonder why I took the time to do this every day despite the freezing 12 degree temperatures of our Missouri mornings. I give the same greeting to the toasty, happy face sitting behind the counter waiting for me to click in every morning. She smiles, and I simply grunt at how unhappy I am with the freezing wind that leaves my face rosy, long after I've reached the heat of the gym. She just smiles at my unfestive mood and wishes me a great workout. I simply return the smile with chattering teeth and make my way into the place that will warm my heart and soul within minutes of my arrival.

Still, refusing to part with my sweatshirt because some grunting idiot has decided to open the door because he has been working out for too many hours; I slip my worn gloves under the cuffs of each arm. I put my headphones in my ears to take my mind off of how much I want to go and push him out the door and shut it before he has time to come back in. (I smile for a second at the thought). I think again of why I do this routine every morning and I smile at the company that is here beside me every morning fighting for dumbbells and cardio machines and putting up with door breeze idiots.

I think of my beautiful friend that doesn't always make it to the gym but chooses to stay outside in the cold of the morning running in the freezing wind despite the frosty toes she has for an hour after she's finished. I smile as I think of how happy she was to tell me that she'd qualified to run for 26.2 miles on the streets of Boston. I gasped when she said she'd also been chosen to do New York. The passion that she had as she told me about the way it made her feel and why she could never quit reminded me of the very reason that I'd made it in here once again. As I started to run the miles that would burn off the 600 calories I'd promised myself to burn on my warm treadmill in the corner; I read the message that she'd sent in the window of my phone and knew without a doubt why I would always make it here no matter the circumstances happy or sad, hurt or mad.....

I RUN...FOR THE LOVE OF IT, FOR SANITY. FOR ICECREAM. TO KEEP UP WITH LIFE.TO BE FAST. FOR MY HEALTH. TO EAT. TO HURT. TO FIND MYSELF. TO BE HAPPY. TO BE FIT. TO LOOK DARN GOOD IN A PAIR OF MY JEANS. TO STAY YOUNG. BECAUSE I CAN. FOR CHOCOLATE. SO THAT BOYS CAN'T CATCH ME. TO BE OUTDOORS. BECAUSE MY FRIENDS MAKE ME. TO SWEAT. FOR INSPIRATION. SO MY BUTT DOESN'T GROW. TO GET PLACES. TO FEEL THE WIND ON MY FACE. TO BE A ROLE MODEL. TO APPRECIATE LIFE...FOR "MYSELF"

For myself....I say as I walk towards the door and pull my hood over my head to sprint across the frozen parking lot that leads to my warm car....and when i finally make it home and into the warmest, coziest, snuggle to your body sweats that I own...I sit there for a minute, look at my piping warm mug, and do a cheers to no one but me and smile as I sip and giggle...and for hot cocoa with too many marshmellows floating on top, every once in a while :)




this is for my beautiful friend Christine, a champion marathoner that I am so proud of...love you!

"I'm sorry"...

Have you ever really looked at the words, "I'm sorry"? Did you see the glitter that surrounded each and every part of them? I'm not sure if I've seen it, but am certain that there must be glitter or a sparkle or something that makes them shine until they become absolutely "magical". It turns out that these words can be used in any case of fault no matter the degree and we are just supposed to drop everything and forget whatever it was that we were upset about...

I've heard- "I'm sorry", read, -"I'm sorry", and I'm certain that I have said, -"I'm sorry", more than my fair share. However, it wasn't until today that I really began to ponder what the strength of these magical words really are.

Heartbreak-We've all been there when those words that we didn't want to hear came out of the mouth that we didn't want to say them..."I'm sorry", but I just want to move on and get to "know" myself better. There hardly seems to be anything magical about these words at this particular moment and the only thing that they seem to deliver is a sting that we are certain may never go away.

The last piece of pie- Every now and then "I'm sorry", can be used simply as a substitution to "I'm quicker"; like the time when you were 6 and your 8 year old sister made it to the last piece of pie because you didn't make it to the kitchen soon enough. Once again, "I'm sorry" hardly seems sincere as you watch her polish off the last blueberry as it falls from the filling...

However, sometimes, every now and then we actually see a hint of something when we hear those two words together...

"I'm sorry", but your brother didn't make it...The only thing we truly remember when we replay the words to ourselves is "I'm sorry", and at that very moment; we see them there in our minds shining as tears fill our crying eyes...We sometimes even say them back to ourselves as we hold our heads in our hands, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....

"I'm sorry", but there's no heartbeat..I've been there when the words have come from the mouth of a nurse with freezing hands as she told me that the little person with the big kicks in my belly -was no longer going to kick me..."I'm sorry", I can still remember her face and her mouth as she looked like she would rather say anything than those two words...magical, probably not; but I will never forget how they sounded at that very moment or anything else that was in that room including a set of the coldest hands I'd ever felt patting my hand..

Today, I read an "I'm sorry" from the greatest friend that I have ever known in all of my days on this beautiful earth. Once again, "I'm sorry", was an after thought that came right after a betrayal of trust. It shouldn't have provided any sparkles or glitter but should have been passed on once again as a mere chance to overlook wrongdoings. However, I saw them and they won't go away from my mind. They just sit there with their sparkling quotations that surround them. "I'm sorry"....

So, I thought again and it came to me, this magical set of words and what they really mean. You see they are set in the quotations " " of magical glitter to cover all of the things that we don't or can't say at the time that we decide to say them. "I'm sorry"......that I'm not your true love and we have to end this so that you can find the one that is....quotation, quotation, magical, magical..."I'm sorry"...that I ate the last piece of pie and now that I see your disappointed face; I have learned my lesson and will share next time..."I'm sorry" that my cold hands patting yours provide you with little comfort, but there must be a reason that God has decided this is not the time for you to have that bundle of joy...quotation, quotation..And finally, I saw them again sitting there in my email "I'm sorry"....that I sometimes do things that you can't understand but I truly hope you know that "I'm sorry" " " " "

And so it is after all....two magical words embraced by the arms of four shimmering quotations...to hold us up right after they are said; and to say the things that never were...So if this blog finds you encountering an "I'm sorry" tonight please look again before walking away...so you can see the things they didn't get to say...for they are there if you look again...surrounded by quotations...the words of a friend...

Learning how to fly*

I'm writing you tonight because my eyes and mind will not allow me to sleep. It's sometimes a risky thing taking a shower and letting the warm water run off your head to the tired eyes that are later awakened by the smell of fresh soap. It's invigorating and can from time to time lead you to the most peaceful sleep that you've ever had. However, sometimes it can awaken the very thoughts that you wish would leave your troubled mind. I'm afraid the latter was the result that I had tonight.

Life can shock us to the very core. We can be happy one moment and sad the very next second that we blink. It can leave us speechless, breathless and absolutely so in awe that our hearts feel that they will burst. It's a revolving circle full of moments. Moments that we take for granted, moments that we think we won't survive, and moments that we know are the best five minutes that we will ever experience in our lives. I've been in each of these moments and tonight leads me back to incredible once again.

Sometimes we hold the company of those we are used to, despite the way they insist on treating us; it's a life that we get used to that somehow manages to feel comftorable and normal. We go through the same routine day after day doing the things that we do with little expectation of anything changing. Then something happens in the same second that changes our lives completely in a single moment.

We walk by a mirror and see the person that deserves to have more. We take another moment and even walk closer and look her right in the eyes. Finally for the first time in more years than she can count; she sees herself. A woman that's changed for the better of those around her. A soul that is full of love and freely shares with the beautiful world what she has to share. We can hardly make eye contact with her because we are ashamed of the way we have failed her. We stand there in regret of the mistakes that we have allowed her to make.

Still as much as we hope the answers will come, they never do. We do the only thing that we know will help our weary mind reach an answer. We put our less than perfect Nike's on our feet. The same shoes that have led us through heartache, and loss and happiness and now regret. We head out on the trail before us despite the hard wind in her face. She doesn't seem to mind. She floats through the winding paths like she weighs less than than the air that blows her fallen hair and she keeps running only the long way this time.

We see her sigh as her forehead softens and her eyes smile at the wind. We know that she is moving far beyond where she has ever been. We think that she will change her mind and turn around but she keeps running faster than her feet have ever allowed her to go before. We can't keep up anymore...We see her chasing what she knows should have been hers already and she runs...We wait for her to look back but she keeps running toward the opportunity that is before her...We wonder if she will leave us behind and we can no longer see the back of her blonde hair...We know that she is finally free...she has left what is comftorable for you and me...

We will never be sure where her pattering feet will stop..We are scared and our hearts are in a tightly sewn knot..She has run so far that the now has become the past..We know she's found what she thinks will last..A girl that refused to live in the day to day..who wanted more and found a way...And there we see her stretching towards the sky...without a care of how or why...On this magical day; she learned how to fly...

A new cup...

It sometimes is so overwhelming to hear someone say how they enjoy the thoughts that I leave to be read here. It is a joy that is truly hard to express in the correct words. I suppose it's hard to explain for words sometimes don't manage to express the way our hearts and souls react to such an awesome happening. So, I must once again try by saying that I am absolutely fulfilled every time one of you is inspired or is touched and chooses to find these words here.

I see your little boxes every time I log on to purge the thoughts that continuously crowd my overworked mind. The boxes of the now 13 of you that have chosen to have me come right to your mailbox. I can't tell you how completely thrilled that makes me. I shall try by saying, it's almost like we are sitting on the front porch with the yummiest, fanciest coffee that they absolutely make...So here we are again, do you care for cream?

I peeped at the boxes and recognized them all for we'd met here for coffee many times before. We'd sat and talked about good times and bad, happy and sad. I even had few when I wanted to lean on all of you. Sometimes I held on tight, sometimes had to let go; but no matter the happenings I always let you know. So I had to look again at box 13 and wonder if it was someone that I'd once seen. I scrolled down the page and saw it again, the name of a follower who was my very good friend. So I smiled a big smile and made a fresh brew and pulled out another cup; just for you..

So pull up a chair and have a seat, for I have some thoughts that I want you to meet. And if you could help me share just a few, of the many things that you've helped me through..Like knowing for sure that a true friend is there, even when we can't see them anywhere. And that life goes on even if we are alone and if we believe; we can make it on our on...With the thoughts of a friend that said that we could- if only we did the things that we should..And if we believe in things unseen; We just might see an old friend in box 13...

Finding Amazing...

Amazing...have you ever really thought of the occasions that we use this "amazing" word. Funny that I should use the very word I'm considering to describe it, I know. However, it just seemed the only thing appropriate enough. I suppose We should all consider ourselves fortunate to have an opportunity that calls for such an expression. It is far beyond the common occurances that call for a good, great or even excellent. It is that moment or person or place that is just beyond the normal expectation of what we imagine could possibly be...

I believe that many times I have believed that I have been in a situation that has called for an "amazing", or even held the company of someone that seemed worthy enough to constitute an "amazing". Only the truth is after further consideration;I usually discover that they or the magnificent situation turn out to be less than "amazing". It is only later in life that I truly discovered the true meaning to such a powerful word.

Many things go through my mind when I think of this journey that I have traveled to end up where I am now in this wonderful place called life. I recall situations that were far less than amazing. I remember many that were absolutely painful and left me raw for days or months at a time. I even have some that will unfortunately disrupt a good nites sleep for many years to come. And this is where I time and time again manage to find my "amazing".

I know a place that has memories of pain and hurt and fear. It's a place in my mind that these memories live from time to time. I've been in situations that have made them reappear after years of masking them with a clip that finally refused to keep holding. I have mended the clip and taped it shut time and time again to no avail with just the strength of my soul and my mind; only later to find that it still managed to explode. I finally decided that I had to find a power much stronger than the mind and soul of the delicate blonde that housed them both. And so I did...

It seemed the only place left that I hadn't tried. I entered the doors armed with only the music of Sinatra; that would have been refused at the door, had they done a shakedown; and the worn gloves that had fought this battle before many times. I felt my crowded mind try to fight me as I turned on the first song that Sinatra would chant about the best being yet to come...and there it was before me...I pulled myself up for the first rep and I felt the clip tighten a bit as my mind started to clear...I went in for another and as my head went over the bar; I knew the end was near...and there I saw him smiling in this place a breath of fresh air that didn't have a face...With a mind and a soul as calm as the sea...I had to wonder how it finally happened for me...and there she was with sweat falling on her brow...the girl that had finally made it to the now...and I knew in that moment without any doubt that this was what the word "amazing" had been all about...And this was the moment she knew for sure with a mind so healed and a soul so pure; that the only word, no other would do was simply "Amazing" and she knew it was true...

A peaceful Soldier's sleep...

I sit here writing you tonight as my lean, silky, too snobby to be held cat lays in the inbox watching me. He barely fits in there and his head is resting on the hard metal wire of the box which to the normal human would be quite uncomftorable; but to him seems to be the perfect spot. I'm almost envious at the peace he has as he sleeps.

I believe the only time I might have come close to that kind of peace when I slept was when Uncle Sam was training me to be a soldier. I can remember being so out of it that when I heard the loud sound of a voice yelling for me to wake up at 4 am; I would really think that I was somewhere else. When I think of it now, it's amazing that of all the times in my life, this would be the one that I had the greatest memory of sleep.

I have many memories of being a soldier and serving for my country. Memories that make me laugh, some that make me smile, and some that were just plain miserable. Since it's Veterans day, it seemed appropriate that I share a few of these things about myself that many of you, my true followers, don't know. I decided after becoming a lost and confused "college student" that just hated to go to school, that maybe it just wasn't supposed to be in the cards for me. So it happened, just like that. I withdrew from everything that I was taking in school, stopped at the recruiters office and fed myself to the wolves. A few months later, I put on my first pair of boots, started sporting a set of fatigues and walked around with U.S. Army on my chest for 8 great years.

It's quite funny now that I end that last sentence with "great" years, but I believe if you add up the good and the bad and the miserable and the sad....the end result was great. I learned a lot about myself being a soldier for Uncle Sam. I came to realize that I was capable of living without anything but a poncho and a spot of the ground to sleep on with a few already made meals that featured the Army's greatest cuisine in a ready to go package. I also realized that you "can" go a week without a shower as long as the company that you held was under the same circumstances; because nobody really smelled bad when everyone did.

There are things that we as soldiers also learn that aren't so fixable with a bit of soap and water. We learn that when you go away to a foreign land to fight and keep peace that everybody you left with doesn't always get to come home. That's one of those tough lessons...the ones that stay with you, like when you got your most peaceful sleep. It's one of those things that stays with you so long that it remains to be a reason that you lose sleep.

The amazing thing about being a soldier though, is that although seeing a fellow comrad lose a life is something that will forever interrupt our peaceful "cat in a too little endbox" sleep. It never is able to take away the way our hearts explode when we see those red stripes rise to the top of a high flag pole as the star spangled banner plays. It's never taken away our stories that we can share with our children about a time when we were part of something much bigger than ourselves...But it will forever make us want to stop and shake the hand of the soldier that for no reason but for the love of his country will get on a plane..and fly to a place..where shots sound at night..and nothing is right. And the best part of the day is when your name is said...and there's a letter thrown on your bed..from the ones that you love that worry so much...because you are too far to feel their touch..or that you might not return some day...because you've become a someone's reason that sleep won't stay...

So as you are tucked in your beds tonight, remembers there's a soldier where things aren't so right. Trying to sleep with shots all around. Wishing he was a cat not making a sound...but laying in an end box that's much too small with nothing on his mind...no nothing at all...

You just might catch a butterfly...

I sit here tonight with my fingers typing away once again the things that fill my crowded mind. I am sometimes lost in the girl that I have become and can hardly believe the way the world sees such a clumsy, goofy being. I have done two photo shoots in the past week that should have exhausted me, but felt more like a happening that couldn't have really been. Pretty close to a dream that I thought I'd never come close to meeting. I've smiled at every sweet comment that each dear person has left me in the little facebook album that I made to display my impossible.

Sometimes, life is so hectic and unforgiving that the most of us give up on our "impossible" long before the wiser years of 37 ever approach us. We just walk away and although we say "forget" it's never forget, but usually just put away, the dreams that we once thought we could conquer. I find this is once again where I differ from the average being. I'm not sure why my dreams find me time after time, landing right in the palm of my hand. I believe it must be the way I chase them. Pretty similiar to a child chasing a butterfly, when you think you have him, he slips right out of your fingers; but then one day you are so quick that when you peep inside your clenched fist you can see him there caught after a million tries.

Dreams are that way, if you just keep chasing; you just never know how many butterflies you can catch. I once again, must credit fitness as the reason that a photographer wants to photograph me instead of the tiny model beside me that was born with a waist that two of my hands can cover after she's finished half a pizza. I have made myself unique and different from her long, slender, too tall to wear heels beauty of perfection.

I have found a way to build the physique that she is too spoiled and perfect to ever attempt. While she sits and meditates to her "spa" like music and relaxes with the cucumbers that should be filling her gut instead of sitting on her eyes; I am eating chicken at a red light hoping I have a piece of floss to get rid of the evidence before training my next client. I am eating broccoli that is cold and attributes nothing to taste for my ready to eat belly.

I run in the gym and head to the bathroom and rinse my mouth before rushing to the clanging gym floor to create another being like myself. She simply removes her cucumbers, tosses them away and heads to get a pedicure for her pampered feet. I finish up with my client and my feet dance to another 45 minutes of cardio that I can hardly survive on the same eliptical that I dance with every day. My feet ache, but I keep moving, knowing that the benefits are far greater than the pain.

Later, I shower and take a break before heading back to the gym that holds the fate of my impossibles. She is at home eating something that's not even meat but just a big white block of something that has protein and is organic with fancy pineapples on the side and a mixed drink of mush that helps her complexion stay at its best.

I, am here while she sips her mush..with a pair of the most torn gloves that you have ever seen with wrists wrapped tight to support the weight that my shoulders should not be able to press. I grab a pair of 45 pound dumbbells and do the swing and throw dance that I have mastered to get them from my thighs to the top of my shoulders with the help of no one. Smoothly I push them up for three sets perfectly and without a flaw as the shoulders that I built smile back at me with an undefeated smile. I grab another bar and put my shoulders through another hurdle that they manage to defend as well. I see her there this beauty that I've created that gets to model not because of the blue eyes that sit below a forehead with a few marks that show her years, but because of the shoulders that stand so tall that they now sweep her blonde hair.

The gym has made me the person that I never thought I could become. The art of weight lifting has made me different, unique and has allowed me to have the opportunities that are finally before me. It soothes my heart and soul, and creates the amazing encasing that now covers them both. I am unique because I choose to be, because I do what others will not. This "impossible" is available for all of us to reach but few of us ever will because we refuse to attempt the impossible. So put away those dreams that you will never forget or chase them like a child amazed by a beautiful butterfly. And who knows....you just might catch one one day

The mind is our only obstacle...

My eyes are so tired but yet my mind continues to race. I'm not sure why this happens to me and it always leaves me wondering if ordinary people have the same struggles defeating their thoughts. My exhaustion is not because it's a late hour tonight, but rather the results of a sleepless night last night. And as far as me referring to all of you as more ordinary than myself; well it's just something that probably is, and definitely not intended to bring undeserving recognition or credit upon anyone. It's just the things that my mind has been able to conquer. Not the things of a scholar with words I could never pronounce or a genius who can add a million numbers at a seconds notice; but rather the place that my mind has found to exist that few will ever know is there at all.

It's a discovery that I have only recently located even after hanging out here in this beautiful life for 36 years. Perhaps that is why when I know that I am in this place I rush here so that I can share it with as many of you as I can get to listen. So here's the place that finds me time and time again...

My soul is that which is never fed. It desires to help, reach and exceed beyond much of the company that I find myself surrounded by on any given day. It is a furnace that never burns down into the charred coals that I sometimes long for so that I can sleep and limit the rushing -that I feel- all of the hours- that my overly sore legs are awake- walking me around. It continues to burn as I long for the closed restful eyes that my two life partners have for the 8 hours that I am tossing and turning. Somewhere during the night it finally shuts down and I awake not wanting to move from the soft pillow that finally cradled my head and forced my eyes to close.

I awake and stretch as far as my too many pull-up arms can reach. The body that reaches aches like it should climb back in bed and find the pillow that cradled it's sleepy head, but this is where I start to find this place. I start to put on the clothes that will take me to the gym. I make breakfast for her and say good morning to him- the same way I do time and time again. Then I go alone and open up the door and I feel even more powerful than I did the day before. So I walk a little taller and my mind is right on que. For despite the sleepless night, it knows just what to do. It makes it way to grab the much too heavy weights, and throws them to it's shoulders while not a sound it makes. Just a silent little push with little effort at all, with nothing but the mind to stop them from their fall.

I look at the blonde that I still don't recognize. I am impressed with her strength especially for her size. But then I have to look again at those who do not know and want to tell them there's a place you have to go. Instead I look away for they would not hear a word but only insist it was nothing but absurd. And as she leaves the mind demands again to feed a soul from the place that is within. She climbs upon the bar with arms that ache and do the pullups that have now become her fate. She starts with one, feeling lighter than air, and still at fifteen feeling barely there. And finally lowers herself at number twenty two, knowing the secret of what a strong mind can do. She walks out the door but it never shuts down, so she turns on the computer and her fingers start to pound. She doubts they will listen but sends these thoughts their way, in hopes that another may find this place someday. For although we do not believe; she knows that it is true, the only magic another has that was not given to you...Is allowing your mind the power to do what you think it cannot do....The mind is the only obstacle you need to cross my friends; the rest will follow.

When we no longer see rainbows...

Sometimes my fingers are led to the keyboard much the same way that my legs are led to an endless trail. I am in need of a way to fill my soul and perhaps the souls of others through the miracle of exercise and words. I am certain that God has given me the ability to endure many physical obstacles and the love of writing so that it can be shared with all of you.

I walked out the gym and felt the aching of the triceps that I still hardly recognized after 5 years of training. The wind blew in my face and I wondered if I should reconsider walking back in and enduring the long half an hour on the electric machine that was too close to the one beside it. I pulled my gym bag on my shoulder and made a deal with my mind that my arms were so sore that I should skip the cardio completely and make my way to the warm couch at home instead. I lowered myself into the much too expensive car that I had been spoiled enough to beg my husband for and made my way toward my cozy paradise. I wondered why I'd insisted on buying a car so that I could keep up with the people that influenced me into their material world so many years ago. I thought of how much I hated that I'd been so different back then. I also hated sometimes how others seemed to have no thoughts at all, but my mind just seemed to think all through the day and night.

I turned and parked in the same spot that I'd parked so many times before. The spot that never led to a couch filled with fluffy pillows and a soft throw to break the chill of the room. I opened the door to the car that said nothing about who I was now and looked back at it with a frown. I thought of the little girl in the torn sweats that had taken a picture behind it while I was sitting there on the phone before getting out. I'd remembered the smile I gave her when she finally realized I was sitting there and blushed a bright red as she explained that it was her favorite car. I hated my car even more as I thought of her face, as I thought of who she thought I must have been. I tucked the strings of my too long laces and saw the path that was surrounded by a million trees on each side. I thought of how I wished she knew that I wasn't the girl that she painted in that perfect BMW.

I ran the first mile and never felt my feet hit the ground. My mind raced as I crossed turn after turn and climbed hill after hill. I came to the turn that I usually made and I decided that it would end too soon; and took a longer route. I felt the lightness visit me. I saw the woman I'd become and the things of this world that I no longer needed. I smiled at the tank top that was one of ten that I'd bought because it was the end of the season and they were only dollars a piece, and I ran some more. I pulled back the hair that for some reason looked the same when I spent sixty dollars every four weeks at the salon in small town Missouri as it did for one hundred and ten in the spa in Texas and my feet pattered some more. I smiled as I thought of finally realizing that there are few material things that will ever truly fill us with the needs that our soul desires.

I thought of the smile on the face of the blushing girl with the dream of being in the car that carried the prestigious label and my feet kept going. I thought of how happy she seemed with just a picture and a runaway laugh with a sneaky friend and I even laughed. I finally made it back to the car that waited once again to take me to my fluffy couch and above it I saw a rainbow that filled that overly windy sky and I stretched as I took in its beauty. I smiled like my little dreaming picture taker of how far I'd come. I apologized to the overpriced shuttle that never left me stranded. I gave thanks to the Lord upstairs for reminding me of what would never go with us when we were no longer here to see rainbows.

Change...

Change is almost always scary. As a matter of fact, it's usually the most uncomftorable thing that can happen to our lives. However, most of the time, it's the one thing that We need more than any other. I have made many "changes" in the past three weeks that have began to drastically change my life for the better.

With change,usually comes sacrafice. I'm certain that this is a part of a successful change because those same three weeks have consisted of moments when I have considered refusing to change, and remaining in the vicious circle that led to the need to change to begin with. I say all of this so that I can take you with me on the journey that I have traveled over the past three weeks...

Friends come and friends go, but sometimes; we find a friend so special that we can't imagine a day in our lives without their company. We want to call them when "too good to be true" things happen to us to share our joy; or hear them comfort us when tears won't stop falling because of something tragic. We cherish their very being; so much so that the expectations that we lay upon them are next to impossible to maintain. Finally the moment comes when they let us down so hard that we almost feel the blow when they drop us. When we are certain that they have hurt us both inside and out, the pain is so fierce and raw within us. We agree that life is better without "too good" phone calls and say goodbye with "not so good" words.

Then the moment comes that our soul feels silent. The emptiness is unbearable and we pray to whatever higher power will listen to make that feeling go away. We do the same thing the next day and even the next; only on our knees this time. Finally, we wake up and there is the biggest sun in the bluest sky that we have ever seen. The ache that was there begins to dull a bit and we make our way to the window to soak it all in. The unthinkable happens and we see the flowers that were in the back yard all the days before. The children's laughs on the street are like music as our weary ears stretch and listen. We are certain that time has become a healer that we had never believed in.

We take our same trip and open those same glass doors as we slip our fingers through those same smelly gloves. The breath that we take is lighter and deeper than it has been weeks before. The perfectly fitted iron bars reach out for our hands as We wrap them around for the perfect hold. Slowly our body raises above the bar rep after rep. We think of the friend that won't share in our new record..and we do another rep. we momentarily recall the pain that our heart endured as it found the strength to mend...and we do another rep. We slowly lower ourself in front of the mirror and see the muscled blonde beauty with eyes that were determined to never look back...and remember the most important reason for doing the things that we do. The love of one's self. We promise her right then and there to never give it away to another. The priority of another cannot be given when in return you are considered an option. Life is too short friends, Love yourself first....for if you don't no one ever will...