The river is calm no more...

There are things in this world that will never leave us. Good and bad, happy and sad. Things that we can store away to the depths of our minds and hide away with no intention of ever trying to find. We can go most of our lives and allocate less than a second of thoughts on those things that we have locked away to the rivers of our souls.

Sometimes they sneak up on us, but the power that we have gained through the years pushes them back into the darkness of the calm waters. And once again without even the sound of a drip the black waters wash away, far away from the forefronts of our minds.

We smile at those around us and continue with the happiness that surrounds us. The new happiness that is accompanied by new faces and faces that look much like our own and we embrace the moment in complete control. We go along with whatever event is laid before us and take charge of it and make it as "perfect" as those around us would expect it to be. We are successful, happy, prosperous and in complete control as we perform for the audiences in our lives; so much so that every now and then, we even get a standing ovation.

But then one day it happens again; that single second of a thought makes it's way to the shore, escaping the calm waters that we buried it in. Our power seems defenseless and despite our efforts, we can't get it to return to the darkness. It starts to feel as if it has brought the darkness with it. The more we try, the harder it is to fight. It's strength is too mighty for us. We find thought after thought racing it's way to the shores of our minds. We are certain that the dam that we built has been demolished by the strength that time has allowed them to create.

We reach for anything and everything that we think will save us, but as we reach; we find more hurt. We discover that there are ones that we love that are fighting the same exact storm within the depths of their very own souls. We run when we can think of nothing else to do. Our minds are racing trying to catch us and we run faster and further promising to never stop until exhaustion forces us to rest. Exhaustion never comes and we just fall to our knees and wrap our weary limbs around them as we lace the hands that have yet to pray.

We cry for ourselves. We cry for the ones that we never knew fought this storm too. The tears continue to fall but the thoughts never stop. We look towards the sky but the calm is never promised.

We raise ourselves to our feet. And instead of running away we make our way to the thoughts we have to meet..We welcome them in, despite the pain..dry our eyes til there is no more rain..we make a promise to bring them to the shore..so that we can find a way to deal with them once more..Our hearts ache as we see them now, one by one..the parts of our lives that were taken by someone..and at that very moment we raise our hands above our head..and promise to awaken the part of us that was dead..and to not be ashamed but to make that someone pay..that decided to give us thoughts that we've had to hide away...

it won't matter how we look in 20 years...

I was sad for him. He had been my friend for so long that I'd let him see the true me a million times; and to tell the truth; the true me wasn't always such a colorful rainbow on a perfectly sunny day. The good thing though, was that he'd always accepted the good and the bad, happy and even sad. My ups and downs, smiles and "too many frowns".
He was just my best friend. I was certain of this fact because who else in this world forgives us for the hurtful things we do to them over and over again? Who else loves us even when we have problems loving ourselves? And no matter the crime, who always answers the phone every single time we call?

I take the time tonight to share these things with you so that I can make a single or maybe if I really think about it, many points. The first being that, no matter how lost we may feel in this world; there is always another soul that is worse off than our selfish selves. I know this to be true because sometimes I have days when I feel like my heart will just explode because of the events of the day, but then 3:20 gets here and outside the door where I park every day at that time is the prettiest, red-headed fourth grader that exists in this world; and despite whatever happened up to that point; I am able to smile at the beautiful gift the Lord blessed me with.

Sometimes, I work out for more than 10 hours in a week trying to beat a scale that refuses to give me the weight that I want it to give. I step on it before I head to the gym and then when it reads off; I slip off my shoes, then my sweats and curse it as I head out the door to add an extra mile to my run. It seems like the most important thing in the world at the time as I glide mile after mile and imagine myself at the perfect weight in the tiniest jeans I've ever owned. I smile at the thought as I pass a mom pushing her new baby with the lightest, happiest, most cheerful of faces that I have ever seen a mommy have as she smiles at the bundle that has added extra pounds to her hips. I hold my head down at the guilt I feel for complaining about a scale cheating me of 5 pounds.

I look at the face that shows many of my years...of the changing eyes that have cried so many tears...then I look at my lips and the lines of the smiles...and am grateful they will be there for such a long while..And I remember the words that seemed so small then...the words that came from that very best friend...As he said to me J, you look different than before..and I didn't want to hear what he said anymore...then he said with a pause but with feelings so dear..it wont matter how we look in 20 years...And I didn't know then, but I think now I do..that life is life because of you...so rather we are beautiful or big or small..those things matter little or maybe not at all..its what we do while we are here..it's who we get to hold close and are lucky enough to be near..it's not the perfect weight, face or things..but rather the life that we live and the happiness it brings...So my best friend, once again...thanks for the lesson you have sent me to spend..I will not save it but use it right away..and remember that life isn't tomorrow, but is right here for us to live today..