"uncluttered"

I smiled as I headed out the door and met the sunshine that had abandoned me for the all of the days of the New Year. It was quite a glorious site and I knew it would be hard for my "can't wait to beat the street feet" to make it through an upper body workout before heading out to breathe it all in.

Finally, I finished the workout that kept me in the gym on such a beautiful day and made my way to the door. Once again, I could see the sunshine peeping through the breezy morning...I had to take a second to indulge. I just stood there and stretched like a lazy morning cat and smiled at the beautiful blue Missouri sky. I truly can't explain what happened next, but am quite certain that it was absolutely magical...

I exhaled all of the air that had been trapped within my very soul as I raised my hands above my head stretching once more to the God above me. I could feel all of the stresses of the weeks before escaping as I lowered my hands to my sides and bent to tie my laces. And when I could wait not a moment more...I let my feet lead me down the sunlit path as my legs and arms effortlessly glided along.

I truly can't tell you the way I felt as I ran mile after mile. My body seemed weightless and my chest lighter than air. My mind almost empty without a thought but a simple peace. It was as if I'd hit delete and erased every thought that wouldn't go away; like I'd finally figured out the special code to let go of it all. I'd read of people that had practiced everything from prayer to meditation to get this feeling and I knew that I was in that place. I could feel my cleansed mind and knew that the clutter was gone.

I came to the end of my run but ran some more with nothing but the sound of my renewed inner being and the simple pattering of my feet. I didn't even need Sinatra singing in my ears today to keep running. I believe that I thought of nothing but just took in the trees and the roads before me. I smiled at the renewed me that I'd found in front of a gym stretching like a cat especially when I had spent countless days and weeks searching everywhere from books to cathedrals to find it.

I thought of all of the people that I'd seen chanting the Lotus Sutra in Sanskrit or even humming a special 'Om' to reach this stillness and I knew that I had finally found my way there as well. I felt rich and vibrant and completely free of any worries that were in my heart before. I could no longer reflect on the regrets of the past or even worry about the future. I stopped and raised my hands again above my head as I stretched and took in the world around me.

I'd stood in this spot a hundred times before but it was so much different this time. I could see the old oak tree that hung down the asphalt path as it branches reached down to shake my hand and the grass was unusually green despite many snow days in the days before. The world around me was beautiful; I suppose it was even on the days I didn't notice. And as I headed to make my way to a distracting world once again; I saw a purple flower leaning on the old oak tree. It seemed more out of place than even me. Standing there all alone but still alive...despite the winter its had to survive...it just leaned on the old tree...maybe just so I could see...that no matter how many cold days you have to endure...there is one thing you know for sure..if you can just find a place to lean...the world will seem a little less mean...and if somehow you can just hold on...the day will come when you can make it alone..so little purple flower without a care...I hope that you will stay right there..and that the sunshine were blessed with today...will warm you and keep you for another cold day...

just our hands...

I love Frank Sinatra, which seems quite bizarre since he was born in 1915 almost a whopping 60 years before myself and I'd never really listened to him until a couple of months ago when a friend told me to pull up a song that he loved. I was in love right away with his words and the way he sang them.

I suppose it's why I became a writer after some of the years passed by in my life. They provided me with an appreciation of words and the ability to use them to tell the stories of the happenings that have brought me both joy and pain and sorrow and shame.

I believe another thing that me and Mr. Sinatra have in common is the ability to "sing" our words so that our listeners can feel them even more. However, it is quite unfortunate that my stubborn earlier years never were responsible enough to learn to read music so I have to find the songs on the piano with just the guidance of my fingers and my ears. Sometimes this can be quite a daunting task, although quite rewarding when it is finished. It leads me once again to think about the hands that write to you right now the things that fill my mind once again.

Have you ever really thought just about the fingers that tap away on your computer as you chat with friends online or work on the report that you wish you could finish already? Or the text that pops up in your phone that you can't wait to reply to as you giggle at the silliness of it? And the laughs it brings as your fingers speak words to someone too far away to see your lips. I think it's absolutely magnificent the power these long lean, sometimes short and stubby or calloused or smooth little but sometimes big fingers have.

And isn't it great to just take a moment from the madness of the world and smile at our simple busy fingers? As a matter of fact just typing that made me smile down at mine as they typed away. So with this simple little blog,I wish just to say..never forget at the end of a bad day...to look to your fingers that adorn your hand...and remember just a small memory and a smiles sure to land..rather it be one that brings a tear to you...of a time when one of your fingers didn't have one ring but two..or when you could do nothing else for someone you love...but hold their hand until they went up above..and just as a tear starts to fall I wish you not to worry no, not at all...because once again reaching without a command...is that little finger attached to your hand...to wipe away another tear though there are many yet to come..our little fingers will never complain and they will catch them til there's none...

"Anonymous" !

Did you ever wish that words didn't have the power that they have? Have you ever just sat and read something that just made you gasp and hurt seconds after you came to the period at the end?

I logged onto my blog to once again share with all of you the events of my day. I was thinking of sharing the ticket that the cop with the big rim hat seemed to think I deserved yesterday, but just as I was thinking of the words I wanted to say; I decided to browse the words that all of you had to say instead.

I saw them there post after post the words that told me how inspiring and how much my writing has affected all of you with your names posted below your comments so that I would know that you had stopped by. I read each and every one and finally made my way to the top to a post that didn't want me to identify them at all. "Anonymous" was the name of our mysterious visitor that made their way around my words that I'd taken the time out of my day to share or sometimes just to download to all of you. I read the words aloud of our new visitor "I finally made my way to your blog, and I have to say that I have never seen the likes of such a self centered, self absorbed and selfish person that to tell you the truth inspires no one but the only person she cares about, herself. I recommend psychiatric help"."

Finally, and I assure you not a moment too soon, the period let me know that it was time to stop reading. I did what I usually do when something shocks me and hurts the so easily hurt feelings that I wish weren't so fragile; I sat there and I cried...Then I thought of every person that I know and wondered who would of wrote such terrible words? Finally, when I couldn't come up with an answer; I cried some more. I'm certain that a lot of the tears that I allowed for these silly words were just the added stress of the $100 dollar ticket that I'd gotten only hours before. However, I was certain that some of the water that continued to fall from my eyes was for my unknown friend, "anonymous".

I thought a lot about the words as I tried to fall asleep last night. It's another trait about myself that doesn't thrill me; I over-think every emotional second of my life. I used to beat myself up about it a lot, but as I've gotten older; I have become quite comftorable with blaming it on the fact that I am a woman. And no matter how many books college educated men may try to write about us; it is just impossible to completely figure out the emotional state of a "woman". So I finally came up with this answer to my "anonymous" commenter and I hope that "she" is able to read our follow-up blog.

And of course I am certain that "Mrs. Anonymous" is a she because who else would beg for us to listen to what they have to say but a woman? Especially since most of us know that a man doesn't take the time to talk to us when he is just a sofa away from us and will do anything for us not to talk to him so that he can finish watching whatever is on the tv in front of that sofa. So with what my keen mind figured out about "Mrs. Anonymous" , I came up with a message for her so that she will at least know that "I" have listened to what she has had to say.

"Mrs. Anonymous", I would just like to say thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment so that you can be heard on my blog much like the rest of my followers. "Self centered" is not a comment that I usually see lingering around in my inbox, but will definitely consider explaining why you might have gotten this impression of me from my blog. I am not sure if you workout yourself or the state of your physical fitness at all, since you are merely a "fan" without a name on my comment page; and yes, you are a fan, seeing how you took the time to write a paragraph just for me. Thanks for giving me some of the precious moments of your day.

I looked up "Self Centered" in Websters dictionary so that I could defend myself a bit more and this is what it said...Self Centered- Independent of outside force or influence, concerned with ones desires, needs or interests. After reading these words, I had to admit that a few of these applied to me. I am certain that the 22 plus times I pull myself up on a pull-up bar or the 60 minutes of cardio that I do 5 days a week are not because I am concerned by the influences of others. I am also certain that I am concerned with my needs and the needs of my body to be as fit as it can possibly be despite the sacrafices that I have to continuously make or the outside forces that I cannot always be a part of because of those sacrafices. So, if self-centered is what I have to be two hours a day to go beyond what the normal couch potato is willing to do, then I suppose you are correct.

The next word that you chose to describe me was "Self Absorbed" and the definition reads-absorbed in ones own thoughts, activities or interests. Hmmmm, I suppose, you probably got me here once again. My thoughts are amazing how they keep my mind running day after day, hour after hour. As a matter of fact, it is the reason that I write to all of you here; so that I can download them and get more sleep at night. So, with that said, I suppose you got me; I am quite into my own thoughts and activities, but it leads me to wonder just how I would look if I didn't partake in my two hour activity at the gym everyday. I hope you agree, that you can hardly fault me for that.

Finally, your last words to me were that I was selfish and needed psychiatric help. I didn't even go to the dictionary this time to defend myself against this one "Mrs. Anonymous". I will just simply end with this. Aren't we all selfish from time to time if were truly truthful with ourselves? And if you really stepped back and thought of the time that you took away from something really important in your life to leave such a shocking paragraph for me; wouldn't you have to admit that it was selfish to spend so much time typing a paragraph that would only hurt the feelings of a powerful writer? Your last words before the period that finally led me to stop reading were that I need to see a psychiatrist. I didn't even have to think about this one, "Mrs. Anonymous", and I'm sure you would agree. Don't we all? And wouldn't it be the best luxury in the world if we were all able to take the time out of our day and lay on a dam leather couch and just release all of our problems to a doctor that has nothing more to do with her day than listen? Now, that would be the life....but, unfortunately, "Mrs.Anonymous", I have to take my "Self-Centered" bum to the gym!

the chance ...

I sit here tonight feeling very powerful as I type away the letters that will lead to the words I want to say to all of you tonight. I am 5 days into the preparation of a 31 week journey that will take me across a hardwood floor in crystal heels once again. I have taken an extra step to ensure that my chances are as great as they can possibly be to see if a dream can finally make it's way to my door. I have found greater company to cheer me on and hold my hand through the entire journey with nothing but magical wishes for a dream to come my way....

The beautiful city of St Louis has offered me a show that tests each of the women that will be standing beside me to ensure that we are all on the same sheet. So, the conditions are all in my favor with nothing left but the 31 weeks of work and dedication that it requires to get there. I am up for the challenge my friends.

It's a funny thing how something so overwhelming as preparing for the first show you've attempted in 2 years can help you deal with the stresses of your life. I can't explain it, but when my life is full of things that I can't quite figure out; I always find myself reaching for a dream that I have yet to fill.

Working out soothes my soul and lightens my chest and I'm able to face any hardships that come my way. It gives me a superpower that few will ever take the time to know. My mind can sometimes wander to places that are painful to remember or sad to have to forget. They can make tears fall from my eyes and breaths turn to sighs. They can sometimes make me want to scream out loud or hit something really hard...but no matter how bad or sad they ever are; I can always make them go away.

Of course, that's the thing about working out; it doesn't go away completely just because you made it to your magical place. It numbs it just enough to make you want to keep coming back. However, sometimes when you keep coming back others tend to think it has nothing to do with settling your mind, but instead think of you as having an obsessive mind. This is the moment my friends when you beat them at their own thoughts and their attempts to keep you away.

You tell them about your show and that they must let you be...that you have to put in extra time and that they just must see...and leave you alone to be with just your gym...that's when you work out and forget thoughts of them...and of all of those that are hurting you now..doing things that you just can't see how...and just when you think these thoughts won't let you go...you find the place that only you know..with no one around though the gym has quite a crowd..there's only you feeling so proud...and then you pullup for number 22 and do another but only for you..and you take off your gloves and take in a deep breath...and smile at the wonderful life you have left..and stand there in awe at the moments before... how you couldn't remember what you had to live for...but once again your mind is clear..and focusing only on a time that is near...to walk on a stage with heels shining high..and looking your best though they'd never believe why...because of a mind that needed the chance...to spend time somewhere else so that it could dance...so take me there my weary soul...and heal my heart and give me my goal...