A very special "exhausted" Christmas...

"Exhausted" is probably the best way to describe the way I feel tonight as I pitter patter my fingers away on the keyboard;in an effort to visit all of you tonight. And the reason I'm exhausted is not because I beat myself up too much in the gym (of course I did that too); but my exhaustion tonight comes from a "much too long" shopping trip.

However, I am proud to announce that I have successfully found what I consider the perfect gift for all of the special people in my heart that I "gift". I even made my way to the kitchen to bake Christmas yummies and smiled as I thought of delivering them to the sweet people that deserve that very special sweet treat.

Christmas usually falls upon us that way. It sneaks up on us year after year and we look around and the final week is upon us. We run around for hours trying to find the perfect treasures to give to those we love and our hearts are heavy and burdened as we fight for parking places and places in long lines. Finally, we discover that we have finished and we let out a sigh of relief. We wrap all of our gifts in beautiful bows and set them under our dressed trees.

We make our way to the kitchen and bake the yummies that have defined us year after year. And finally when they are finished and the house smells in their yummy delight; we collapse on the nearest sofa and nestle ourselves against the arm.

And just as our tired eyes give in to a little nap..
We ponder about this and think about that...
we see all the faces that we see no more...
remembering all of the Christmas's that we've had before...
and that's when we realize that "exhausted" is a must..
to finish all the things for all of those who trust..
that we will do our best to make the season just right..
in case we do not get to share another Christmas night..

So please remember my little tired peas..
that this special Christmas before you and me..
is not promised in the years to come..
so give until your "exhausted" for this very special one...

The truth...

<

Sometimes the truth can be hard to swallow. And "swallow", I assure you is a term that I use very lightly tonight as I write to you about the truth. You see, my truth is that lately; I've been "swallowing" too many yummies and simply blaming it on the beautiful lights, christmas trees and just the joy of the season.

It leads me to wonder how I will ever survive the "real" Christmas season that will be before me in just a few short weeks. So, just like any emergency that we have to prepare for I have taken the steps to survive even the toughest of holidays and when I say holiday; please rest assure that I am referring to "Christmas" and the New Year! Yes, "Christ" still lives in my season my friends; and most retailers have become more afraid to say Christmas than they have cookie; it's a sad affair!
Step 1- The Camera....
The camera will never tell you the lies that your friends will. You see, "the truth" of the matter is that your "friends" love to see you pack on a few pounds before the holidays arrive. I know it's a tough thing to accept, but as women it's just a fact of life; if we are going to get fat-we want someone to go there with us. So step number one is to grab your cell phone, put on the bikini that you once rocked and yes, snap the picture!

Step 2- Remove the snowman screensaver
Step 2 is almost as important as the first step my friends. Remove the cute snowman that you've assigned as your holiday screensaver and put up your "not rockin" winter bikini picture. If that doesn't save you from having too much pecan pie then I'm just not sure anything will save you.

Step 3- Use your imagination...
The final step is the simplest step of all. Simply imagine yourself after the Holidays stepping on the scale to the very same weight you started before the tree even wore it's lights....ahhh now that's a very Merry Christmas! Which is exactly what I wish for all of you!!

I love you all, Jgirl

when we fall...

As I write to all of you tonight; there is something that I must confess. I have fallen into a hole. As a matter of fact the pit that I have fallen into is so big that every time I think I have a tight enough grasp on one of it's portruding roots to pull myself up; I only slip back down into the darkness that surrounds me.
I suppose this is an occurance that happens to the best of us from time to time. We are superstars at work, superheroes in the gym, and the best Mommies, sisters,daughters,and wives that we can absolutely find the energy to be every day. But then one day, we wake up and we're, well..."tired".

And we shouldn't be "tired" because it could mean that maybe we are somehow "failing" those around us or even ourselves. And what woman of our modern world could possibly live with themselves if they did that? I mean what would people think?

As those simple thoughts crossed my mind; I made my way into the kitchen and upon my little plate I layed a fat slice of the most sugar-filled cheese cake that I could find. Everything inside me said that it was beyond sinful to do such a deed but as my fork made it's way through those creamy crumbly layers I couldn't help but smile as I fell a little further into my hole. The taste was absolutely divine and I laughed as I thought of myself taking a nap on the couch instead of running the 4 miles that it would take to burn all of it's yummy calories away. And before I closed my eyes at barely noon on a Monday; I polished it off with a yummy glass of milk that wasn't skim. :)

Yes my friends, these indescrepancies have been with me for about a week now and the scale is no longer keeping my secrets; so some cardio is definitely in my near future. However, sometimes the hole that I fell into was a bit comfy, sometimes even cozy with a cherry on top. And believe it or not my friends there really are no "superheroes" no matter how much some would like us to believe that they are. So my advice tonight is this; if you fall into a hole every now and then and you just can't seem to climb your way out of it; then maybe it's just not time to come out yet. Maybe just maybe we should grab a quilt and a piece of something yummy that we shouldn't have and then give in when our eyes want to rest at the wrong time of the day. Maybe just maybe that is still okay...I mean after all we are perfect Mommies, wives, sisters and friends every day...

"our children have much to teach us"

Have you ever just took a moment to watch the expressions of a child? Do we even realize the wonderful things we can re-learn just by spending the day taking our little people in for a few hours instead of nodding when they ask a question instead of really listening to what they have to say or show us?

I believe that we forget sometimes exactly what a "hug" is until a little pair of arms offer us one for no reason at all. The excitement of a pair of open arms running down a hall with an accompanied giggle until they reach our neck is hardly equivalent to the "hugs" a busy life has taught us to expect as we've grown older. Unfortunately, more times than not; our busy lives only encounter a "hug" when something tragic has happened and it usually comes with tears rolling down our faces. How wonderful it is to just receive a real genuine "I love you so much I ran down the hallway" hug from our little people.

The same is usually true for that of a kiss. We've all had that "magical" first kiss or even that dreadful "goodbye" kiss as butterflies flew in our tummies or pain shot through our "broken" hearts. But, have you ever tasted a "too sugary" still covered in sticky lollipop kiss as a set of sticky lips puckered to give you an "I love you forever" kiss? We cringe as we see the red lollipop faces running towards us but smile as we say "ahhh" to their happy,yummy "too sticky" faces. We later recall exactly how yummy those kisses were as we sit in a college parking lot crying as they wave goodbye. Now that's how a real "goodbye" kiss feels my friends...

And finally, I am brought to the simpleness of holding a loved one's hand. What usually comes to mind is the first hand that gave us a High school ring to wear as they interlocked our hand for the first time. It gave us an identity, made us cool and forced our hearts to flutter for the love that we "thought" we'd found only later to find out we'd found nothing at all but an average idiot. It may even bring to mind a smile for the one that slipped a ring on our finger to promise to love us always as we for the first time shared the same last name. But, have you ever walked as you held two tiny hands in front of you because they couldn't walk by themselves? Did you laugh as they giggled with excitement that they were walking on their tiny feet for the first time? Or even as you watched them become a beautiful little "big" person do you remember getting to be the person that still held their hand when someone had broken their hearts? And did you think then how lucky you were to have a sweet hand that would always reach for yours no matter how "big" they thought they'd become?

My friends life is a journey that none of us will ever be able to quite explain. It is a road with ups and downs and simple straight ways and a million dangerous curves. We will have our hearts bursting with joy at moments and broken only moments after. But the good will always return and the bad will never get to stay for long. However, our children and the little people that we love are here with us right now and sometimes we should just take a moment to see what they have to say...to watch what they still have to teach us...We should give in to a lollipop kiss every now and then or even run down a long hallway with our arms wide open waiting for them to land inside of them....even if it's covered on each side with college sweatshirts...

"even if no one ever sees it"

I'm not exactly sure, but I think I probably ran across the fascination of "Facebook" about 2 years ago. Actually, now that I think about it; that was exactly when I joined the silly social networking site. As a matter of fact, I believe that is close to the time that I no longer fell sound asleep as soon as I turned in at night. I even think it was the same time frame that I started worrying if my life was exciting enough or if I was successful enough. I have to admit that some of the pictures that my "friends" posted of their too big houses and too extravagant vacations did have a way of making one feel too exhausted to even read anymore.

And the fact of the matter is that my "friends" actually were people that I barely could tolerate 10 minutes with in High School and sometimes even people that I knew I'd never met face to face at all. So a couple weeks ago, I actually took a minute and looked at the faces listed on my "friends" list and thought about how many of them I actually considered a "friend". The count was completed with just the fingers on my two hands. I went back and counted the "friends" that I felt I needed to "impress" and that completed the remainder of the list.

I'm not sure why we have the need later in life to prove to anyone how cool or successful we have become. I thought about the calmness of my life before deciding to share my moments with the "facebook" world. So, I decided to end this online social invasion of my life and I simply walked away.

I must admit, it took a few days to get used to not having the updates of when everyone was headed to their Dr's appts, lunch dates, first days of school, dreaded days of work, grocery shopping, hair appts or even when they were signing off to take a shower. I was certain that I would miss some of the entertainment of their busy sometimes even angry days....but you know what? I didn't.................

My phone was quiet as if I were hiding out in my own little world that no one could disrupt. I went for walks every day with my little girl and no one knew but us. We stopped half way and jumped on the playground swinging as high as the top of the tree and she laughed and giggled for no one but me. It reminded me of the days when I didn't even know facebook existed. Thinking about it now; I have albums with pictures of those days. They were days when we took pictures and had them printed out and sealed in albums so that we could pick them up and laugh at how silly we were while we munched on icecream with goofy sunburned noses.

Those were days of running to the ocean before anyone got there so that we could get the best spot. The days when the only important thing to remember was sunscreen and the cold watermelon that we got ready the night before. Simple times when happiness didn't have to be posted on a page to show the world how great your life had become. The days when it was "simply" wonderful even if no one knew it but you.

I am reaching for those days again my friends and the truth is....it's "simply amazing". The simple truth of the matter is that when we spend too much time trying to share our simple happiness with the world it can become exhausting. We can feel as if we are almost performing for those that will be watching. Our lives are just that my friends, "our lives" and if we don't stop spending so much of our time making it perfect for our "friends" to view........We are going to miss getting to view it ourselves. "Share" your moments with those that you love and that love you back not the audience that is waiting to "comment" on whether they "like" your simple life or not...For all that matters is this moment, right now, for us...in "our" life...and in "our" hearts even if no one ever sees it...

The "blessing" of the things we recall...

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you

I read these words right after my phone dinged its usually email ding this afternoon. Funny how it was right on time with what my thoughts were pondering today. I suppose what's not so funny is that the Lord had to send an email to get through to me today; when I should have at least sent him a hello or even a thankyou upon the fortunate event of opening my eyes again this morning. I humbly apologized after reading the words that fit my day so perfectly.

I do believe we spend too much of our time recalling events of our past. Sometimes things can make us sigh at the thought of someone that is no longer a part of where we are now. An event as simple as a birthday or anniversary can make us wish for the date to change; so that we can successfully check the block off that we made it through it; without even a phone call. It helps us to feel stronger; like we've moved past something that maybe never should have been at all. However, it doesn't change the fact that this day next year; we will still recall the same event once again and probably sigh at the thought..

But wouldn't it be easier if we were a bit more grateful for the blessing of our memory? I've known many "less than young men" in my time;that were living their final years in a dark confused world with no remembrance of the life that shaped them. It's a sad thing to witness both for the person suffering as well as the loved ones that through no fault of their own; can't be remembered. I do believe that in my opinion, it is the saddest disease of all.

Memories can be good, bad, happy and sometimes sad; but they are ours for the keeping. We can look back on them and see the faces we miss, recall the times we were together, or sometimes even celebrate that we never have to see them again. They make us stronger, help us realize times that we were really foolish, and sometimes they just help us remember the places that we have been and the places we never intend to return.

But without them; we become lost, sad, and confused without direction; much like the little old men that suffer from alzheimers. So may we be a bit more grateful for the life that our minds store for us as we move beyond the events of our past. May we always remember what mattered, what didn't, what doesn't anymore and what always will....and when there is an event that we are certain "always will" no matter the few minutes of sadness; may we just embrace it for a moment and smile at the thought...even if we sigh...and when the same event comes around again...may we simply smile again for the blessing of a missed friend...

for "Sara Beth"

I sit here still sweaty after a short Sunday run on a hot Missouri day. It's funny the songs that entertain me while I pitter patter mile after mile. And I am certain that the average runner would delete my playlist and start over in their search for a more motivational selection. However, the songs I choose are what comforts my mind as it races mile after mile with thoughts. This morning those thoughts were for Sara Beth..

First of all, I must confess that I truly don't have any friends or acquaintances by the name of "Sara Beth", but I do believe that I have seen her in the faces of many people that I've known. I had to listen to the words of Rascall Fatts more than once this afternoon as I heard him sing of a little girl with a bruise that refuses to go away. He sings of how the doctor tells her we've caught it in time and 6 times in ten it won't come back again...and how Sara Beth closes her eyes. And I saw her there with her "too little for this eyes" as they closed. My mind painted a picture of Sara Beth as my feet ran for her and hoped that any trace of cancer in her body would be chased away...

And as I continued to run, I heard him sing of the hair that she gathered in her hands...more proof that she couldn't deny...and Sara Beth closes her eyes. Finally, he sings as she dances at her prom with her first true love and without a hair in sight on her "too tiny head". Her eyes closed once again celebrating the survival of the places that she's been as she danced for where she is now and for the new part of her life she gets to begin...

I believe that we sometimes forget those of us that are truly suffering because of the petty stresses that we believe we are facing every day. Everything from a spouse that's not perfect to a clock that moves too fast for the events we have planned for our days. We sigh at a little girl that refuses to keep a clean room when there are parents that wish their little girl had the strength to destroy her room every day. I say we step back for a moment, maybe even as we do our morning run and remember the blessings that the Lord has blessed us with for they are so many...

And when life does seem to be giving us more than we can handle; we should just close our eyes and maybe even pitter patter our feet...and think of a little girl that no matter how sweet...Had to face cancer and put up a fight..and dance at her prom on such a special night..with a little head that didn't have a hair...but she just closed her eyes and danced without a care...For if we really look beyond what we normally would see....We would be in awe of what God's given to you and me...thank him my friends and dance...

The Shadows of our lives...

The past can sometimes haunt us with the many ghosts that live there. And as much as we try to move past them, sometimes they refuse to leave us alone. Regret, pain and anger are just a few of the things that live within their shadows.

We wake up day after day, doing much of the same things as we did the day before. We go about our days running errands, spending a few hours at work, and smiling at the many faces that this life has surrounded us with. But sometimes something as simple as a song can trigger the shadow of one of the ghosts of our past. It can take us back to a moment that was lost or a day that will never return or even a time that wish had never been at all.

We can wish it away or wish for it to return or simply wish that it had never occured. But regardless of our wishes, it will always be there; always a part of us and always an occurance that we made it through. Sometimes if we look really hard in the shadows; we can find something good that came of this ghost that refuses to leave. And if we try really hard to look past the dark black shadow; we might even see a reason that it should stay with us. Memories come and memories go; much is the same for people that pass through our lives...for it is just that; our lives.

We can't change them; the things that make up the picture of what our lives are. However, we must remember that the portrait is not complete and although we cannot erase some of the marks that we have made on it; we can add colors so bright and so loud that eventually we wont even see the small marks that drifted off the page.

It's never too late to make the portrait of our lives a beautiful rainbow..we have to move forward but never forget what's behind us..Our ghosts can only haunt us if were afraid to face them. Look back for a moment if an odd happening leads your mind to look back...but only glance for a moment and then smile when you see that you can simply store it in your mind and look away...And smile as you look at the new version of yourself that is looking at you today.........

"Yellow"

I had to stop by although I don't have long...I wish I had time to chat or even sing a song..but since you cannot hear me I found another way...I wore yellow- to brighten up your day...So here's a big miss you hug- okay a kiss too..to keep all of you company until I'm back with you...So until I return with stories yet untold...I was hoping you could just be "yellow" and do something oh so bold...like walk up to someone and simply say Hello...and tell them they are beautiful and that your name is "yellow"...and when you see them laugh insist that it is true...that "yellow" is your name because it could never be "blue"...For life is too colorful to be the darkest shade...and with just a funny gesture a better day is made...and if we all do this simple little task...we can change the world and maybe even laugh...

(feeling silly...I love you all, JGirl)

your ability to change and morph...

I read the words today when my horoscope popped up in my email. "Your ability to change and morph is essential to your happiness". I've thought on many occasions that my horoscope was a pretty accurate explanation of the occurances in my life but after reading those words and recalling some things; I knew that it was right on cue.

I believe that there are things in all of our lives that we wished we didn't do. I am certain that if we could all have an opportunity to re-do some things or even take back some things that have taken place that we would do that as well. The only problem is; we don't get that opportunity. We have to learn to accept our mistakes and move past them. We have to make a stand not to repeat them again in the days that are here and the days that have not yet come. And just as the Lord insists that we forgive others; we have to learn at some point to forgive ourselves.

So we do. We forgive ourselves and we start a journey trying to find the person that we long to become. We search and search in books and in other people along the way. And then one day when we least expect it we see that person looking back at us in the mirror with the same eyes and smile that were there all along. The only difference we can truly identify is that of the heart and the transformation that it has made along the way. We breathe out with ease and awe of what stands before us..Then we simply fall to our knees.

And we look towards the sky..and we ask for nothing no how or why...we just
thank God for finding what was ours all along..the ability to chose right and not wrong..And we know that we feel him looking down with such a glow...that one of his children took the time to know...that we can be whatever we decide..if we let go of our self made pride...and humbly walk to the altar and kneal...to the Lord our God who promises to heal............

"Old Man Time"

Have you ever felt that you had to do something for the better of your life even though you knew that it would hurt before it got better? I believe that not only have we all been in this situation, but that in fact it is more than likely a scenario that will occur again and again in life. Or maybe if we really took that time to think about it, it is life. However, I'm certain that we all have to admit that it is never easy, but then again hasn't it been said a million times that life isn't easy? And knowing this, I can't help but wonder, why are we always surprised when it's not?

Sometimes things take us by surprise when we are finally learning how to go about life without whatever it is that we chosen to let go of. We wake up in the same bed, drink the same yummy coffee and smile the same morning smiles to the same little faces; that make our mornings worth waking up to. Time can be quite rewarding if we are patient enough to let it heal whatever it is that has shaken us up a bit. It teaches us to appreciate the smaller things that surround us and to find something, anything to occupy our weary minds in the moments that they want to reach back and try to grasp whatever it is that we were forced move past.

There are times that our minds insist on us going backwards, but the strength that we have allows us to move past a single moment and soon we are able to be grateful that we didn't reach. However, every now and then right before us is something that we can touch and we do find ourselves reaching out because it is right in front of us. But more likely than not, we usually predict the same outcome and are forced to grab the same shield that covered us in the days before...........

And once again the something that we left is the something that is here....so we push it away once more and wait for it not to be so near....We beg for time to pass but it always goes so slow...but if we can make it just a while, we know the pain will go.....for there are no things in life that we cannot live without....there are only things that make us want to cry or shout...but if we let old man "time" take it's mighty course...we can move past fear, loss or even remorse...And even if that "something" comes our way again....we can call on old man time like a much needed friend....and just like the many times before...he will make us new and our happy selves once more...so never settle for something less than you.......move past it and in just a little time, you'll be amazed what even you can work through..........

slow down...

This is the third time I have tried to start a sentence and couldn't come up with exactly what I wanted to say to all of you this afternoon. I have so many thoughts in my mind that sometimes they all rush to the finish and for the life of me; I can't determine who won. I believe life can be that way sometimes as well.

We have so many things to do that sometimes we just don't know where to start or if we will ever finish. Yesterday becomes today and tomorrow has to be pushed off until next week. But we never take a minute to wonder if we will even have next week. We simply disregard the day as a tragic event that never has enough hours. We blame it on the need to save for tomorrow so we can give to our kids so they never have to borrow. We work and we work so they have more when we are no longer here, but what about the present when they need us near?

So maybe this little blog still is not sure what it wants to say...or maybe it just wants you to worry about today..In hopes that you will take a minute or two...to let hugging someone be something that you do...or maybe even sit down at the end of the day...with a warm cup of tea listening to what someone has to say...for little do you know when your running from here to there...that the someone with that tea might need to see you care..So slow down a little friends in case tomorrow doesn't show...for wouldn't it be so sad if the ones you love didn't know?

"it completes me"

I love to run outside; to be surrounded by the green trees, paved sidewalks and the smell of honeysuckles all around me as I pitter patter through my beautiful Missouri hills. It makes my cardio a bit more welcoming, more like a rejuvenating experience instead of a gruelling sweaty chore that I can't wait to complete.

I've just started running again for 3 months now after taking some time off.
The experience this time around has been everything that I'd hoped it would be. It has been theraputic and quite a stress reliever on most days. I finish feeling refreshed and just a little bit more like the Jena that used to run races and walk away with first place trophies so many years ago.

I must admit though, that this time around the only trophy that I care to receive for running down windy "too high hill" trails is just the satisfaction of completion that it gives. Weve all heard the saying that somewhere there is another person that "completes us"; I believe this to be just another line for fairytale movies that never really make sense in our realistic lives.

It is only when we realize that "We" are the only ones that can complete us that we can take control of things that we once couldn't. I believe that the pure joy of exercise can do this for many of us. It is something that we "do" for ourselves to "complete" ourselves. It is a fulfillment that no person can provide for us but ourselves.

So my hope for all of you is that you would use your bodies to heal your minds. Run a few miles or walk a couple blocks down a road that bares nothing but you and your hungry soul. Don't stop until you feel that you have been fed so well that your heart and soul may burst. "Complete" yourself by allowing your heart to become stronger as you go mile after mile. If you keep working it day after day; it will adapt to the workload given.

A stronger heart, what could be a better reason than that to lace up your running shoes? In a world where a heart is broken every 10 seconds, shouldn't we make an extra effort to protect ours? Never stop running my beautiful friends; for if we stop, we will never "complete" anything..........

Someday I will fly and soar far away...

I will never have stress or even a hard day...

I will meet my maker and stand before him still...

and hope that he thinks I have done his will...

but until then, I shall just pray...

that he sees fit to give me another day...

to make up for the things that human nature led me to do wrong...

to give me a chance to sing his sweet song...

So almighty God no one knows but you...

How often we fall but want to be true...

So down on my knees, I ask once again...

To let me start over and be clean from my sin...

And now I see you with little surprise...

The Lord living in my heart, my soul, and even my blue eyes...........

The power of the mind is ours to control....

Have you ever really thought about the power of our minds? Sometimes I wonder if it's our minds that can lead us to think of things that bring us less than happy thoughts or if it's just us that refuses to take back the power to allow these thoughts to wander about?

I have been there in that unhappy place with my unhappy "feel sorry for myself" thoughts. I have watched the scale slowly move upwards while I ate my "feel better soon" snacks. Why is it that we allow our minds to be consoled by sad thoughts and salty, sweet, bad for us- snacks? Isn't it true that usually after the snacks are gone and the scale is up a couple pounds; that we feel even worse than when we fell into this "feel sorry for myself" state?

What if we could take back the power of our minds and have complete control over all of the thoughts we encounter?

The good news is, that I believe to a certain extent; we can do just that.....

My morning started with an email that threw me for a bit of a loop this morning. As a matter of fact; I felt like I needed to do a couple loops to be able to deal with it. I texted a friend to confirm that it was as ridiculous as I'd suspected and I tried to follow his directive of mellowing out a bit with a cup of java but caffeine was the last thing that was going to settle my already cluttered mind. I knew this was the moment that I had to take control and bring my mind to a better starting point for my morning...I knew what I had to do...

I stretched my "too long limbs" toward the ceiling and let out a deep breath and I laced the pink and white skips that faithfully led me to a more zen me on most days. I strapped my music on and found the perfect starting song as my feet made their way to the door. I gave my legs a final stretch and my feet took off before my mind; and just like I'd imagined it followed their lead. The sun beat down on my tired back as my trusty legs made their way up the hills ahead of us one by one pitter pattering their way along the trail as I heard the words of Jodee Messina singing "That's God". My mind was rerouted just as I'd planned.

"Have you ever stepped outside, felt the sun on your face?" and as she sang those words, I no longer wanted to complain about the heat of it on my back but rather embrace the chance to be here and a part of it on this beautiful day. "Have you ever seen a mountain top reach up and touch the sky, That's God" and I knew I had seen those beautiful Texas Mountains reach up towards that big Texas sky and the thought of it made me smile as I thought of my maker. I finally made it to the end of my journey covered in a puddle of sweat with little on my mind but the blessings that surrounded me.

I smiled as I thought of the email that had caused me a bad start to my morning and it seemed like such a small occurance now. I simply hit delete and laughed to myself as I put my phone away...The culprit that sent it would never even know that I'd read it thanks to a much needed run and a newly cleared mind. The outcome is a success my friends; exercise feeds our soul and our hearts and can give us a greater power of our minds...put on your shoes and never let them know you even got their petty news...Life is so good, don't waste a moment on anything that's not :-)

Life is a Novel where the last page is ripped out....

I love music. I believe that it can be so soothing, and sometimes something that we can relate too so very much. I even believe from time to time that the artist who wrote the words to some songs was hiding in my pocket and stealing them from my very own life. Have you ever had that song come on and you think to yourself oh my were you here with me last week or were you hiding in my life last year when that happened?

If your answer is no, then I guess my friends are truly right about me and I listen to the words of my music much like a novel that I am reading. I believe that when the artists sit down and write these words for us to sing along to; that they are just finding a way to release their stories much like I do here with all of you.

There are some that I play over and over again to help me when I'm down or to remind me of where I've been or even just how far I've come. Like today when I listened to Kelly Clarkston explain the importance of our tears and why we must let them just stream down our cheeks when life has been to much for us. Maybe no one told you there was strength in your tears. and I thought of the many times the world has looked at our beautiful tears as a sign of weakness. And so you fight to keep from pouring out, but what if you unlocked the gate that keeps your secrets sound do you think that there's enough that you might drown? No one can tell you where you alone must go; there's no telling what you'll find there....and I remember again that that's the reason we are afraid to move on, go forward and trust the people that surround us because we want to know what's at the end of the road before we've even gone half way down it.

So, after hearing those words and drying the tears that I've decided are something that now shows our strengths and not our weakness's I smiled a sigh of relief. And if we are perfectly honest with ourselves doesn't it just feel great to have a good cry every now and then; don't we sometimes feel so much lighter afterwards that we swear we lost some of our Easter chocolates that we overindulged in, in those salty tears? I say we embrace them, let them flow and then smile and let it all go. As I thought these words to myself I heard a song come on that I'd not yet heard and once again I heard some words that reassured me that another has thought much the same as I. Rascal Flatts singing about life being much like a novel. He sang those beautiful words of life being that of a beautiful novel but then at the end the words he sang made the most sense of all. Life is a novel where the last page is ripped out.

With this my friends, I only came to one conclusion. We will never be able to read that last page, because it's not there but ripped out instead. Life is not a road that we can clearly see the end to in sight. It is a road that we must travel despite the bumps and the floods and the storms that stall us along the way. It is a road with a rainbow completely across it sometimes that makes us just want to dance; but in the split of a second that rainbow can change to a bridge that we just can't seem to get over because of the water that stands in front of it. The only thing we can do is swim for as long as we can my friends and wait for the sun to come back out. The good news though, is that if we keep swimming and don't let ourselves sink; we will be able to walk on dry land again soon....and once we're walking easy again...we might even get to run from time to time...

Oh how beautiful tomorrow looks....looking from today

I make plans today for weeks that are far in my future. I weigh food, count protein and carbs and log in hours of cardio and gallons of water on the charts that I make. It's how I ensure that I will be at my best to walk across a stage with a group of competitors that have chosen to show up on the same day.

I can tell you the calories, carbs, sugars and protein on almost every food that you would consider putting in your mouth. I can even break down how many pounds might be "floating" on your hips after your done if you want me to ruin the yummy icecream that your considering eating. I know all of these things because I've just studied nutrition and fitness for so many years of my life. I have mastered the ability to get a set of ripped abs, toned arms and a clean body with little toxins.

The body is such an amazing machine to me. I've lived in mine when it was heavy, too thin and even when it turned into a hard ball in front of me and housed a kicking baby girl. Which of course, I must share was the best moment in my life when I saw that "kicking baby girl" smile at me for the first time. It just reminds us exactly of the lengths our bodies can go to and the places it can carry us not only today but far in the days ahead.

A great physique in a crystal bikini with "too high heels" is the result of the discipline to maintain timely meals and millions of cardio minutes and strength training on a daily basis.

However, may we not forget the other reasons that we take care of our bodies for the days that have yet to come before us. May we prepare it for days when our not just ten years old little people want us to help them train to run as fast as the others on the track team or for the times when we have to spend the whole day with them swimming in the choppy ocean so that we can hang on to every year of their childhood before it slips away. May we be strong enough to one day walk down an aisle with them as we give them away.

Take care of your bodies my friends. It is but the shell of your heart and soul. It has many places to go that you have yet to even imagine. Places that will fill your hearts with joy so much you think they will burst. Your arms will be needed along this journey in many situations, keep them strong so they are ready to be filled; with happy smiles with sad tears and with weary heads that need a shoulder to fall on. Plan for the days that await you, increase your chances of being there for them, one little step at a time. Eat a vegetable, take a walk, lift a single dumbbell, but do something, anything to increase your chances of seeing tomorrow....for oh how beautiful it looks from today.

17 weeks...Don't let your dreams sit in your pocket..

I just finished meal 3 and made it half way through my protein count for the day. I'm loving the preparation and can feel my body making significant changes already after just a week of superclean eating. I am hoping to walk across that competitive stage once again in 17 weeks.

I would say that I haven't had the "guts" to give it another go, but the truth of the matter is that like most of you; I truly haven't had the will and the discipline that it takes to commit. However, something has changed inside of me and I am now completely focused.

It's amazing how sometimes when we have too many things for our minds to deal with and too many stresses of this world coming to us; we are able to break away and give our attention to our bodies and our souls. It has calmed me to instead turn my focus to the next 17 weeks. I feel powerful and completely in control of my results.

I would love to have each and every one of you follow me over the next couple of weeks as we make our way to that hardwood stage once again. I'm absolutely induldging in the possibilities...

Dreams are that way, and as much as I've tried to put this one aside; it is still there in my pocket, waiting to be spent. I'm going to take this journey day by day, and try to not become concerned with the remaining weeks but just the day that is before me now. And today, I have been a champion weight lifter, accomplished an hour of cardio and eaten only the "good for you foods" that a champion figure girl would put into her "getting ready to compete" body.

I look forward to the challenges that lie ahead; I look forward to taking each and every one of you along...and who knows, We just might capture the impossible. Never let a dream just sit in your pocket my friends...spend every one of them. Jgirl, 17 weeks out...

"Drink every last cup of Happiness"

Ever really think about how much thought we put into what we eat and how many minutes a day we work out? Being a Mom even forces us to spend many of our thoughts each day wondering what we could possibly make for dinner to excite our bored families? We skim through magazines, look at online recipes, and then finally at the end of the day; head to the kitchen and make the same 'ol meatloaf we made last week. Their faces are much the same when they sit down to dinner, but their tummies are full so we give ourselves a break for our lack of creativeness.

However, despite our ability to make exciting "hurry to the table" meals, we always ensure that an appropriate mix of nutrients is there ready to be dug into. It's just what we do for not only the people we love but for the bodies that we try to take care of.

But have you ever really thought of the things you drink throughout your day? I'm not talking about the "too sweet tea" that we love to indulge in every now and then, or the gatorade that our "too much cardio" bodies gives in to once in a while.

I'm talking about Happiness and love and life. I wonder what would happen if we all took the time to think about our cup of happiness every day as we frown and moan through the hours and minutes of our days every day. What if we thought of happiness as we sipped our morning coffee and thought of the faces of those far away that love it just as much as we do. I like to picture a little man with a profile that resembles mine that is probably the reason that I love my morning coffee so very much. There's nothing greater than seeing his face though he is "too many drivable miles" away to have coffee with me; as I sip mine.

Every now and then, I even indulge in a "cup" of vanilla icecream. It only makes sense that I would imagine the "happy faced Mom" that has been at my side and shared her very own cup of icecream as we grumbled about the calories but continued to laugh as we scraped each drop out of the bottom of the cup...a little cup of happiness....

My greatest cups of Happiness are usually in the form of a yummy cup of nuts. I can pinpoint a cashew, almond and especially a pistachio to some of the most happiness that I can remember. I can't help but smile at the thought of tummy aches from "too many mixed nuts" on so many "too cold" Christmas's at home...it makes you wish for another cup...

And finally, I must include a cup of the warmest most perfect cup of chocolate happiness ever. As I tip my cup, I remember everything from "too little to eat" baby Easter bunnies to cherries covered in chocolate that always brought a smile to my Daddys yummy face. And right at the bottom as I dig for the very last drop; I see two guilty sisters at my side answering for the "missing chocolates" in the Christmas box along with me as we laugh and proclaim our guilt....a cup of yummy perfect happiness...

So as you drag yourself out of bed and do the things that start your day.Don't forget to drink a cup of happiness so the memories come your way. And cherish them briefly for soon they will pass...For one cup of Happiness never lasts...That's why I want you to have more than one or two...You have to finish each cup the Lord puts before you...And as you do simply smile... even if it's for a short while...for if your patient, in the end....another cup will find you again...

Maybe.."We are what we eat"

Have you ever really thought about the food that you put in your "temple" to help it run? I've pondered this thought lately as I pitter-patter through 60 daily minutes of cardio to attempt to "spring clean" the yummies of winter from my body. It leads me to believe time and time again that maybe we truly are what we eat.

I've been everything from chubby to fat, plump and then back to down right skinny. I've eaten everything, a little and even gone down to almost nothing in an effort to reach a weight that I am comfortable being. However, when I finally get back to the basics and simply eat the things that I know my body actually absorbs and uses, the same thing is always the case....I look amazing.

It leads me to wonder why most of us still manage to find it so difficult to eat healthy. We've read the charts time and time again; color is good, hence veggies, protein makes us beautiful and is proven to be the fuel for healthy hair, nails, and skin; but yet we still see "cute" women pretending to be vegetarians and depriving their bodies of the nutrients that it needs. Eat my friends! If we grow it then it will do something incredible for our bodies. If it's fried, then it will probably lead us to some type of medical problem later on. Six times a day we are given the opportunity to fuel our bodies so why do we keep falling short?

I challenge each and every one to appreciate the beautiful temple that the Lord has blessed you with and fill it with some of the foods that he has put here for us. I can assure you that it doesn't come in the form of simple white sugars. Let me know how great your feeling after this week. I challenge you because I want each and every one of you to be a healthier you..

And isn't there enough "skinny need to eat" women and "slow down before you have a heart attack" men out there for all of us to work toward being "How did you build that tone body" people out there?It's time we each take a step towards becoming a healthier American for our country and our children. There is a sense of urgency, and we can't wait anymore to start. Life is short my friends, help your body stay here a little longer...

The sun was more powerful than the sky this morning as it made its way through the clouds and demanded that this be the second day of spring. I could breathe better than I had in weeks, despite the pollen that I knew would soon follow this beautiful day. I decided at that very moment; I wouldn't think about the sneezes and runny eyes that these beautiful days bring with them. I would only indulge in the warmth of the sun in my face...

Life is like that sometimes I suppose. We spend so much time thinking about the effects of the pollen that we never see the flowers. But then one day the sun hits us right on the cheek and we see them right before us hinting that the cold winter has gone away...

So today I say goodbye to winter and all of the bitter cold that it forced me to survive.

I believe that sometimes events and even people in our lives can be pretty similiar to the seasons of our world. I have had many blizzards over the past few months without even a trace of a piece of ice. Encountered things and people that have been colder than the worst of storms.

But there comes a time when we have to insist that it's Spring and let the winter pass. It's the time that we dust off whatevers brought us down and we stand right there as the sun shines our cheeks rosy.

We make our way once again to the goals that we left behind and vow to make them reality once again. And just when you think that "old man winter's" stold a bit of your strength; you throw up a pair of weights that equal your own. You try with everything you have not to prance around and jump up and down at yourself as the onlookers look unimpressed. You are able to control everything but the smirk that you give just to yourself to show your appreciation for such a dedicated body. Okay, so you give in and strut just a little, just because it makes you giggle....

And then you do the same weight again and can't help but have a little grin. You finally make it to the door and things are better than they were before. You lace up your sneaks and go your way. Pitter-pattering your feet away. Running without the simplest care with a light soul and bouncing hair...And legs that still carry you despite the things you had to do...To make "old man winter" say goodbye..forgetting the tears you had to cry...For today you just run with no route in mind...letting it be spring because it's time...and when you stop and look around, you see that winters no where to be found....so you smile a big smile and take a deep sigh...and giggle as you say "goodbye"....

The Japanese soul...

I watched as the waters washed away the very existence and humanity of all of those that called this place home. It's beyond the imagination the magnitude of the colossal wave that slammed through so many lives last week.

As I do with most things I encounter; once again, I watch the stories with my heart. I cry for those that cannot find their loved ones beneath the ruin that remains. Their foreign tears are felt within the very depths of my soul.

It is not the pictures of the flattened earth that sadden me so terribly; but yet the faces as they cry words in a language that I can't understand. I am certain that I am not alone when I admit that I will never understand God's reasoning for much of the sufferings that We must encounter. I question what good could come from such a tradgedy of so many hurting hearts.

A tradgedy that equals only that of the events of World War II is hard to swallow in our modern world. It only leads me to believe that despite our greatest efforts, some tradgedy's we will never be able to prepare for..

When we reach these moments in our lives, it leads us once again to yell and cry and scream and weep. We feel angry for a moment that so many could lose their lives in such a short moment. And then at some point, we simply give in once again and pray to the God that is in charge of it all.

Then...We see signs that even in this place, We once again see the Lords Face..He is that of an old Japanese man who walks all alone..Crying a bit with even a moan...but when they ask him what is his goal...he simply says to keep my Japanese soul...and although many will think it is not intact...I must differ because it is just that...and then we see him sit on the ground...skimming the pages of the treasure he's found...a simple album of all of his kin...and his promise to find them again..

And then we see them face after face...the people that have lost all they have in this place...with tears falling down each foreign cheek...as they hug each familiar person they meet...May we remember my dear friends..that this could happen once again..in a land that is not so foreign or far away...because we are promised nothing more than today...so grab those you love and tell them so...because in this world you just never know...

Laugh til your tummy aches...

It just seemed so unfair for the bitter cold wind to hit me in the face this morning as I helped unload the red-headed beauty that had kept me company for over ten years now. Despite the chill of the wind and the lack of the coat that I'd run out of time to grab this morning; I felt an oddness of warmth inside my soul.

I credited it of course to the green eyes that smiled back at me and grabbed my hand as we headed in to face the grumpy secretary in the front office that frowned at us when we were a few minutes late. Little did she know that it would be her grumpiness that would entertain us after school today when we later got a chance to laugh at how irritated she gets and the silly looks she gives us. As a matter of fact watching her at that moment, it was all I could do not to laugh at the thought of how well my green eyed beauty could imitate those very same expressions.

It later led me to think about expressions throughout my day as I encountered frowns and smiles and even a few down right ugly scowls. I started to wonder if we in fact would make an effort to avoid the looks we give each other if we could see ourselves in a mirror throughout our hectic days? And right at that moment, I looked at myself in the mirror with a frown, and then I smiled. It was amazing the comfort a simple smile gave me. It was as if for that very second someone brought me the perfect fancy coffee with just the right cream and sugar. The taste of it was absolutely divine.

What happened next brought my silly smile to a complete laugh. As I glanced in the mirror one last time before heading to work; I saw this lady walk by and give me an eye roll at how silly she thought I was sitting in a parking lot smiling in my rear view mirror. I laughed that I'd gotten caught staring at myself and because she'd embarrassed me a bit. It felt like a refill of that perfect coffee as my insides filled with laughter.

It was a much needed start to a sleepless night. I do believe, I smiled at everyone I encountered for the rest of my day. Happy, light and absolutely letting go of the things that had weighed me down so many days before. And I had to wonder...can smiles and laughter be the cure to the stresses this world lays before us? Of course, the writer in me had to conduct further research; and what I found made want to giggle until my belly ached.

It turns out that laughter has been proven to relieve pain, bring greater happiness, and even increase immunity. It all made perfect sense. I knew I needed another dose of the healer right away...so right at that moment, 20 minutes ahead of schedule; I drove to that same grumpy secretary's desk and requested my green eyed laughing girl. As soon as she saw me around the corner we both let out the biggest giggle at the very same time looking at the look on "miss grump's" face.

I grabbed that sweet little hand and headed to the door...it was even funnier than it had been before...We jumped in the car and as we drove away...I laughed as I heard my little beauty say..."why are you late yet again?" "Did you have a busy mornin" with the same expressions as that grumpy bear...a frowned mouth and a busy stare...And I laughed at her and she at me...and knew the research was true this was therapy...So laugh away at your life instead...of letting everything fill your head...And each and every time you can...grab your little ones tiny hand...and return the smiles she gives to you...and the happiest life will find you too...

The river is calm no more...

There are things in this world that will never leave us. Good and bad, happy and sad. Things that we can store away to the depths of our minds and hide away with no intention of ever trying to find. We can go most of our lives and allocate less than a second of thoughts on those things that we have locked away to the rivers of our souls.

Sometimes they sneak up on us, but the power that we have gained through the years pushes them back into the darkness of the calm waters. And once again without even the sound of a drip the black waters wash away, far away from the forefronts of our minds.

We smile at those around us and continue with the happiness that surrounds us. The new happiness that is accompanied by new faces and faces that look much like our own and we embrace the moment in complete control. We go along with whatever event is laid before us and take charge of it and make it as "perfect" as those around us would expect it to be. We are successful, happy, prosperous and in complete control as we perform for the audiences in our lives; so much so that every now and then, we even get a standing ovation.

But then one day it happens again; that single second of a thought makes it's way to the shore, escaping the calm waters that we buried it in. Our power seems defenseless and despite our efforts, we can't get it to return to the darkness. It starts to feel as if it has brought the darkness with it. The more we try, the harder it is to fight. It's strength is too mighty for us. We find thought after thought racing it's way to the shores of our minds. We are certain that the dam that we built has been demolished by the strength that time has allowed them to create.

We reach for anything and everything that we think will save us, but as we reach; we find more hurt. We discover that there are ones that we love that are fighting the same exact storm within the depths of their very own souls. We run when we can think of nothing else to do. Our minds are racing trying to catch us and we run faster and further promising to never stop until exhaustion forces us to rest. Exhaustion never comes and we just fall to our knees and wrap our weary limbs around them as we lace the hands that have yet to pray.

We cry for ourselves. We cry for the ones that we never knew fought this storm too. The tears continue to fall but the thoughts never stop. We look towards the sky but the calm is never promised.

We raise ourselves to our feet. And instead of running away we make our way to the thoughts we have to meet..We welcome them in, despite the pain..dry our eyes til there is no more rain..we make a promise to bring them to the shore..so that we can find a way to deal with them once more..Our hearts ache as we see them now, one by one..the parts of our lives that were taken by someone..and at that very moment we raise our hands above our head..and promise to awaken the part of us that was dead..and to not be ashamed but to make that someone pay..that decided to give us thoughts that we've had to hide away...

it won't matter how we look in 20 years...

I was sad for him. He had been my friend for so long that I'd let him see the true me a million times; and to tell the truth; the true me wasn't always such a colorful rainbow on a perfectly sunny day. The good thing though, was that he'd always accepted the good and the bad, happy and even sad. My ups and downs, smiles and "too many frowns".
He was just my best friend. I was certain of this fact because who else in this world forgives us for the hurtful things we do to them over and over again? Who else loves us even when we have problems loving ourselves? And no matter the crime, who always answers the phone every single time we call?

I take the time tonight to share these things with you so that I can make a single or maybe if I really think about it, many points. The first being that, no matter how lost we may feel in this world; there is always another soul that is worse off than our selfish selves. I know this to be true because sometimes I have days when I feel like my heart will just explode because of the events of the day, but then 3:20 gets here and outside the door where I park every day at that time is the prettiest, red-headed fourth grader that exists in this world; and despite whatever happened up to that point; I am able to smile at the beautiful gift the Lord blessed me with.

Sometimes, I work out for more than 10 hours in a week trying to beat a scale that refuses to give me the weight that I want it to give. I step on it before I head to the gym and then when it reads off; I slip off my shoes, then my sweats and curse it as I head out the door to add an extra mile to my run. It seems like the most important thing in the world at the time as I glide mile after mile and imagine myself at the perfect weight in the tiniest jeans I've ever owned. I smile at the thought as I pass a mom pushing her new baby with the lightest, happiest, most cheerful of faces that I have ever seen a mommy have as she smiles at the bundle that has added extra pounds to her hips. I hold my head down at the guilt I feel for complaining about a scale cheating me of 5 pounds.

I look at the face that shows many of my years...of the changing eyes that have cried so many tears...then I look at my lips and the lines of the smiles...and am grateful they will be there for such a long while..And I remember the words that seemed so small then...the words that came from that very best friend...As he said to me J, you look different than before..and I didn't want to hear what he said anymore...then he said with a pause but with feelings so dear..it wont matter how we look in 20 years...And I didn't know then, but I think now I do..that life is life because of you...so rather we are beautiful or big or small..those things matter little or maybe not at all..its what we do while we are here..it's who we get to hold close and are lucky enough to be near..it's not the perfect weight, face or things..but rather the life that we live and the happiness it brings...So my best friend, once again...thanks for the lesson you have sent me to spend..I will not save it but use it right away..and remember that life isn't tomorrow, but is right here for us to live today..

"uncluttered"

I smiled as I headed out the door and met the sunshine that had abandoned me for the all of the days of the New Year. It was quite a glorious site and I knew it would be hard for my "can't wait to beat the street feet" to make it through an upper body workout before heading out to breathe it all in.

Finally, I finished the workout that kept me in the gym on such a beautiful day and made my way to the door. Once again, I could see the sunshine peeping through the breezy morning...I had to take a second to indulge. I just stood there and stretched like a lazy morning cat and smiled at the beautiful blue Missouri sky. I truly can't explain what happened next, but am quite certain that it was absolutely magical...

I exhaled all of the air that had been trapped within my very soul as I raised my hands above my head stretching once more to the God above me. I could feel all of the stresses of the weeks before escaping as I lowered my hands to my sides and bent to tie my laces. And when I could wait not a moment more...I let my feet lead me down the sunlit path as my legs and arms effortlessly glided along.

I truly can't tell you the way I felt as I ran mile after mile. My body seemed weightless and my chest lighter than air. My mind almost empty without a thought but a simple peace. It was as if I'd hit delete and erased every thought that wouldn't go away; like I'd finally figured out the special code to let go of it all. I'd read of people that had practiced everything from prayer to meditation to get this feeling and I knew that I was in that place. I could feel my cleansed mind and knew that the clutter was gone.

I came to the end of my run but ran some more with nothing but the sound of my renewed inner being and the simple pattering of my feet. I didn't even need Sinatra singing in my ears today to keep running. I believe that I thought of nothing but just took in the trees and the roads before me. I smiled at the renewed me that I'd found in front of a gym stretching like a cat especially when I had spent countless days and weeks searching everywhere from books to cathedrals to find it.

I thought of all of the people that I'd seen chanting the Lotus Sutra in Sanskrit or even humming a special 'Om' to reach this stillness and I knew that I had finally found my way there as well. I felt rich and vibrant and completely free of any worries that were in my heart before. I could no longer reflect on the regrets of the past or even worry about the future. I stopped and raised my hands again above my head as I stretched and took in the world around me.

I'd stood in this spot a hundred times before but it was so much different this time. I could see the old oak tree that hung down the asphalt path as it branches reached down to shake my hand and the grass was unusually green despite many snow days in the days before. The world around me was beautiful; I suppose it was even on the days I didn't notice. And as I headed to make my way to a distracting world once again; I saw a purple flower leaning on the old oak tree. It seemed more out of place than even me. Standing there all alone but still alive...despite the winter its had to survive...it just leaned on the old tree...maybe just so I could see...that no matter how many cold days you have to endure...there is one thing you know for sure..if you can just find a place to lean...the world will seem a little less mean...and if somehow you can just hold on...the day will come when you can make it alone..so little purple flower without a care...I hope that you will stay right there..and that the sunshine were blessed with today...will warm you and keep you for another cold day...

just our hands...

I love Frank Sinatra, which seems quite bizarre since he was born in 1915 almost a whopping 60 years before myself and I'd never really listened to him until a couple of months ago when a friend told me to pull up a song that he loved. I was in love right away with his words and the way he sang them.

I suppose it's why I became a writer after some of the years passed by in my life. They provided me with an appreciation of words and the ability to use them to tell the stories of the happenings that have brought me both joy and pain and sorrow and shame.

I believe another thing that me and Mr. Sinatra have in common is the ability to "sing" our words so that our listeners can feel them even more. However, it is quite unfortunate that my stubborn earlier years never were responsible enough to learn to read music so I have to find the songs on the piano with just the guidance of my fingers and my ears. Sometimes this can be quite a daunting task, although quite rewarding when it is finished. It leads me once again to think about the hands that write to you right now the things that fill my mind once again.

Have you ever really thought just about the fingers that tap away on your computer as you chat with friends online or work on the report that you wish you could finish already? Or the text that pops up in your phone that you can't wait to reply to as you giggle at the silliness of it? And the laughs it brings as your fingers speak words to someone too far away to see your lips. I think it's absolutely magnificent the power these long lean, sometimes short and stubby or calloused or smooth little but sometimes big fingers have.

And isn't it great to just take a moment from the madness of the world and smile at our simple busy fingers? As a matter of fact just typing that made me smile down at mine as they typed away. So with this simple little blog,I wish just to say..never forget at the end of a bad day...to look to your fingers that adorn your hand...and remember just a small memory and a smiles sure to land..rather it be one that brings a tear to you...of a time when one of your fingers didn't have one ring but two..or when you could do nothing else for someone you love...but hold their hand until they went up above..and just as a tear starts to fall I wish you not to worry no, not at all...because once again reaching without a command...is that little finger attached to your hand...to wipe away another tear though there are many yet to come..our little fingers will never complain and they will catch them til there's none...

"Anonymous" !

Did you ever wish that words didn't have the power that they have? Have you ever just sat and read something that just made you gasp and hurt seconds after you came to the period at the end?

I logged onto my blog to once again share with all of you the events of my day. I was thinking of sharing the ticket that the cop with the big rim hat seemed to think I deserved yesterday, but just as I was thinking of the words I wanted to say; I decided to browse the words that all of you had to say instead.

I saw them there post after post the words that told me how inspiring and how much my writing has affected all of you with your names posted below your comments so that I would know that you had stopped by. I read each and every one and finally made my way to the top to a post that didn't want me to identify them at all. "Anonymous" was the name of our mysterious visitor that made their way around my words that I'd taken the time out of my day to share or sometimes just to download to all of you. I read the words aloud of our new visitor "I finally made my way to your blog, and I have to say that I have never seen the likes of such a self centered, self absorbed and selfish person that to tell you the truth inspires no one but the only person she cares about, herself. I recommend psychiatric help"."

Finally, and I assure you not a moment too soon, the period let me know that it was time to stop reading. I did what I usually do when something shocks me and hurts the so easily hurt feelings that I wish weren't so fragile; I sat there and I cried...Then I thought of every person that I know and wondered who would of wrote such terrible words? Finally, when I couldn't come up with an answer; I cried some more. I'm certain that a lot of the tears that I allowed for these silly words were just the added stress of the $100 dollar ticket that I'd gotten only hours before. However, I was certain that some of the water that continued to fall from my eyes was for my unknown friend, "anonymous".

I thought a lot about the words as I tried to fall asleep last night. It's another trait about myself that doesn't thrill me; I over-think every emotional second of my life. I used to beat myself up about it a lot, but as I've gotten older; I have become quite comftorable with blaming it on the fact that I am a woman. And no matter how many books college educated men may try to write about us; it is just impossible to completely figure out the emotional state of a "woman". So I finally came up with this answer to my "anonymous" commenter and I hope that "she" is able to read our follow-up blog.

And of course I am certain that "Mrs. Anonymous" is a she because who else would beg for us to listen to what they have to say but a woman? Especially since most of us know that a man doesn't take the time to talk to us when he is just a sofa away from us and will do anything for us not to talk to him so that he can finish watching whatever is on the tv in front of that sofa. So with what my keen mind figured out about "Mrs. Anonymous" , I came up with a message for her so that she will at least know that "I" have listened to what she has had to say.

"Mrs. Anonymous", I would just like to say thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment so that you can be heard on my blog much like the rest of my followers. "Self centered" is not a comment that I usually see lingering around in my inbox, but will definitely consider explaining why you might have gotten this impression of me from my blog. I am not sure if you workout yourself or the state of your physical fitness at all, since you are merely a "fan" without a name on my comment page; and yes, you are a fan, seeing how you took the time to write a paragraph just for me. Thanks for giving me some of the precious moments of your day.

I looked up "Self Centered" in Websters dictionary so that I could defend myself a bit more and this is what it said...Self Centered- Independent of outside force or influence, concerned with ones desires, needs or interests. After reading these words, I had to admit that a few of these applied to me. I am certain that the 22 plus times I pull myself up on a pull-up bar or the 60 minutes of cardio that I do 5 days a week are not because I am concerned by the influences of others. I am also certain that I am concerned with my needs and the needs of my body to be as fit as it can possibly be despite the sacrafices that I have to continuously make or the outside forces that I cannot always be a part of because of those sacrafices. So, if self-centered is what I have to be two hours a day to go beyond what the normal couch potato is willing to do, then I suppose you are correct.

The next word that you chose to describe me was "Self Absorbed" and the definition reads-absorbed in ones own thoughts, activities or interests. Hmmmm, I suppose, you probably got me here once again. My thoughts are amazing how they keep my mind running day after day, hour after hour. As a matter of fact, it is the reason that I write to all of you here; so that I can download them and get more sleep at night. So, with that said, I suppose you got me; I am quite into my own thoughts and activities, but it leads me to wonder just how I would look if I didn't partake in my two hour activity at the gym everyday. I hope you agree, that you can hardly fault me for that.

Finally, your last words to me were that I was selfish and needed psychiatric help. I didn't even go to the dictionary this time to defend myself against this one "Mrs. Anonymous". I will just simply end with this. Aren't we all selfish from time to time if were truly truthful with ourselves? And if you really stepped back and thought of the time that you took away from something really important in your life to leave such a shocking paragraph for me; wouldn't you have to admit that it was selfish to spend so much time typing a paragraph that would only hurt the feelings of a powerful writer? Your last words before the period that finally led me to stop reading were that I need to see a psychiatrist. I didn't even have to think about this one, "Mrs. Anonymous", and I'm sure you would agree. Don't we all? And wouldn't it be the best luxury in the world if we were all able to take the time out of our day and lay on a dam leather couch and just release all of our problems to a doctor that has nothing more to do with her day than listen? Now, that would be the life....but, unfortunately, "Mrs.Anonymous", I have to take my "Self-Centered" bum to the gym!

the chance ...

I sit here tonight feeling very powerful as I type away the letters that will lead to the words I want to say to all of you tonight. I am 5 days into the preparation of a 31 week journey that will take me across a hardwood floor in crystal heels once again. I have taken an extra step to ensure that my chances are as great as they can possibly be to see if a dream can finally make it's way to my door. I have found greater company to cheer me on and hold my hand through the entire journey with nothing but magical wishes for a dream to come my way....

The beautiful city of St Louis has offered me a show that tests each of the women that will be standing beside me to ensure that we are all on the same sheet. So, the conditions are all in my favor with nothing left but the 31 weeks of work and dedication that it requires to get there. I am up for the challenge my friends.

It's a funny thing how something so overwhelming as preparing for the first show you've attempted in 2 years can help you deal with the stresses of your life. I can't explain it, but when my life is full of things that I can't quite figure out; I always find myself reaching for a dream that I have yet to fill.

Working out soothes my soul and lightens my chest and I'm able to face any hardships that come my way. It gives me a superpower that few will ever take the time to know. My mind can sometimes wander to places that are painful to remember or sad to have to forget. They can make tears fall from my eyes and breaths turn to sighs. They can sometimes make me want to scream out loud or hit something really hard...but no matter how bad or sad they ever are; I can always make them go away.

Of course, that's the thing about working out; it doesn't go away completely just because you made it to your magical place. It numbs it just enough to make you want to keep coming back. However, sometimes when you keep coming back others tend to think it has nothing to do with settling your mind, but instead think of you as having an obsessive mind. This is the moment my friends when you beat them at their own thoughts and their attempts to keep you away.

You tell them about your show and that they must let you be...that you have to put in extra time and that they just must see...and leave you alone to be with just your gym...that's when you work out and forget thoughts of them...and of all of those that are hurting you now..doing things that you just can't see how...and just when you think these thoughts won't let you go...you find the place that only you know..with no one around though the gym has quite a crowd..there's only you feeling so proud...and then you pullup for number 22 and do another but only for you..and you take off your gloves and take in a deep breath...and smile at the wonderful life you have left..and stand there in awe at the moments before... how you couldn't remember what you had to live for...but once again your mind is clear..and focusing only on a time that is near...to walk on a stage with heels shining high..and looking your best though they'd never believe why...because of a mind that needed the chance...to spend time somewhere else so that it could dance...so take me there my weary soul...and heal my heart and give me my goal...