For "Myself"

So today as I ran across the "too long", "too cold" parking lot that's "too far away" from the gym door; I started to wonder why I took the time to do this every day despite the freezing 12 degree temperatures of our Missouri mornings. I give the same greeting to the toasty, happy face sitting behind the counter waiting for me to click in every morning. She smiles, and I simply grunt at how unhappy I am with the freezing wind that leaves my face rosy, long after I've reached the heat of the gym. She just smiles at my unfestive mood and wishes me a great workout. I simply return the smile with chattering teeth and make my way into the place that will warm my heart and soul within minutes of my arrival.

Still, refusing to part with my sweatshirt because some grunting idiot has decided to open the door because he has been working out for too many hours; I slip my worn gloves under the cuffs of each arm. I put my headphones in my ears to take my mind off of how much I want to go and push him out the door and shut it before he has time to come back in. (I smile for a second at the thought). I think again of why I do this routine every morning and I smile at the company that is here beside me every morning fighting for dumbbells and cardio machines and putting up with door breeze idiots.

I think of my beautiful friend that doesn't always make it to the gym but chooses to stay outside in the cold of the morning running in the freezing wind despite the frosty toes she has for an hour after she's finished. I smile as I think of how happy she was to tell me that she'd qualified to run for 26.2 miles on the streets of Boston. I gasped when she said she'd also been chosen to do New York. The passion that she had as she told me about the way it made her feel and why she could never quit reminded me of the very reason that I'd made it in here once again. As I started to run the miles that would burn off the 600 calories I'd promised myself to burn on my warm treadmill in the corner; I read the message that she'd sent in the window of my phone and knew without a doubt why I would always make it here no matter the circumstances happy or sad, hurt or mad.....

I RUN...FOR THE LOVE OF IT, FOR SANITY. FOR ICECREAM. TO KEEP UP WITH LIFE.TO BE FAST. FOR MY HEALTH. TO EAT. TO HURT. TO FIND MYSELF. TO BE HAPPY. TO BE FIT. TO LOOK DARN GOOD IN A PAIR OF MY JEANS. TO STAY YOUNG. BECAUSE I CAN. FOR CHOCOLATE. SO THAT BOYS CAN'T CATCH ME. TO BE OUTDOORS. BECAUSE MY FRIENDS MAKE ME. TO SWEAT. FOR INSPIRATION. SO MY BUTT DOESN'T GROW. TO GET PLACES. TO FEEL THE WIND ON MY FACE. TO BE A ROLE MODEL. TO APPRECIATE LIFE...FOR "MYSELF"

For myself....I say as I walk towards the door and pull my hood over my head to sprint across the frozen parking lot that leads to my warm car....and when i finally make it home and into the warmest, coziest, snuggle to your body sweats that I own...I sit there for a minute, look at my piping warm mug, and do a cheers to no one but me and smile as I sip and giggle...and for hot cocoa with too many marshmellows floating on top, every once in a while :)




this is for my beautiful friend Christine, a champion marathoner that I am so proud of...love you!

"I'm sorry"...

Have you ever really looked at the words, "I'm sorry"? Did you see the glitter that surrounded each and every part of them? I'm not sure if I've seen it, but am certain that there must be glitter or a sparkle or something that makes them shine until they become absolutely "magical". It turns out that these words can be used in any case of fault no matter the degree and we are just supposed to drop everything and forget whatever it was that we were upset about...

I've heard- "I'm sorry", read, -"I'm sorry", and I'm certain that I have said, -"I'm sorry", more than my fair share. However, it wasn't until today that I really began to ponder what the strength of these magical words really are.

Heartbreak-We've all been there when those words that we didn't want to hear came out of the mouth that we didn't want to say them..."I'm sorry", but I just want to move on and get to "know" myself better. There hardly seems to be anything magical about these words at this particular moment and the only thing that they seem to deliver is a sting that we are certain may never go away.

The last piece of pie- Every now and then "I'm sorry", can be used simply as a substitution to "I'm quicker"; like the time when you were 6 and your 8 year old sister made it to the last piece of pie because you didn't make it to the kitchen soon enough. Once again, "I'm sorry" hardly seems sincere as you watch her polish off the last blueberry as it falls from the filling...

However, sometimes, every now and then we actually see a hint of something when we hear those two words together...

"I'm sorry", but your brother didn't make it...The only thing we truly remember when we replay the words to ourselves is "I'm sorry", and at that very moment; we see them there in our minds shining as tears fill our crying eyes...We sometimes even say them back to ourselves as we hold our heads in our hands, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....

"I'm sorry", but there's no heartbeat..I've been there when the words have come from the mouth of a nurse with freezing hands as she told me that the little person with the big kicks in my belly -was no longer going to kick me..."I'm sorry", I can still remember her face and her mouth as she looked like she would rather say anything than those two words...magical, probably not; but I will never forget how they sounded at that very moment or anything else that was in that room including a set of the coldest hands I'd ever felt patting my hand..

Today, I read an "I'm sorry" from the greatest friend that I have ever known in all of my days on this beautiful earth. Once again, "I'm sorry", was an after thought that came right after a betrayal of trust. It shouldn't have provided any sparkles or glitter but should have been passed on once again as a mere chance to overlook wrongdoings. However, I saw them and they won't go away from my mind. They just sit there with their sparkling quotations that surround them. "I'm sorry"....

So, I thought again and it came to me, this magical set of words and what they really mean. You see they are set in the quotations " " of magical glitter to cover all of the things that we don't or can't say at the time that we decide to say them. "I'm sorry"......that I'm not your true love and we have to end this so that you can find the one that is....quotation, quotation, magical, magical..."I'm sorry"...that I ate the last piece of pie and now that I see your disappointed face; I have learned my lesson and will share next time..."I'm sorry" that my cold hands patting yours provide you with little comfort, but there must be a reason that God has decided this is not the time for you to have that bundle of joy...quotation, quotation..And finally, I saw them again sitting there in my email "I'm sorry"....that I sometimes do things that you can't understand but I truly hope you know that "I'm sorry" " " " "

And so it is after all....two magical words embraced by the arms of four shimmering quotations...to hold us up right after they are said; and to say the things that never were...So if this blog finds you encountering an "I'm sorry" tonight please look again before walking away...so you can see the things they didn't get to say...for they are there if you look again...surrounded by quotations...the words of a friend...

Learning how to fly*

I'm writing you tonight because my eyes and mind will not allow me to sleep. It's sometimes a risky thing taking a shower and letting the warm water run off your head to the tired eyes that are later awakened by the smell of fresh soap. It's invigorating and can from time to time lead you to the most peaceful sleep that you've ever had. However, sometimes it can awaken the very thoughts that you wish would leave your troubled mind. I'm afraid the latter was the result that I had tonight.

Life can shock us to the very core. We can be happy one moment and sad the very next second that we blink. It can leave us speechless, breathless and absolutely so in awe that our hearts feel that they will burst. It's a revolving circle full of moments. Moments that we take for granted, moments that we think we won't survive, and moments that we know are the best five minutes that we will ever experience in our lives. I've been in each of these moments and tonight leads me back to incredible once again.

Sometimes we hold the company of those we are used to, despite the way they insist on treating us; it's a life that we get used to that somehow manages to feel comftorable and normal. We go through the same routine day after day doing the things that we do with little expectation of anything changing. Then something happens in the same second that changes our lives completely in a single moment.

We walk by a mirror and see the person that deserves to have more. We take another moment and even walk closer and look her right in the eyes. Finally for the first time in more years than she can count; she sees herself. A woman that's changed for the better of those around her. A soul that is full of love and freely shares with the beautiful world what she has to share. We can hardly make eye contact with her because we are ashamed of the way we have failed her. We stand there in regret of the mistakes that we have allowed her to make.

Still as much as we hope the answers will come, they never do. We do the only thing that we know will help our weary mind reach an answer. We put our less than perfect Nike's on our feet. The same shoes that have led us through heartache, and loss and happiness and now regret. We head out on the trail before us despite the hard wind in her face. She doesn't seem to mind. She floats through the winding paths like she weighs less than than the air that blows her fallen hair and she keeps running only the long way this time.

We see her sigh as her forehead softens and her eyes smile at the wind. We know that she is moving far beyond where she has ever been. We think that she will change her mind and turn around but she keeps running faster than her feet have ever allowed her to go before. We can't keep up anymore...We see her chasing what she knows should have been hers already and she runs...We wait for her to look back but she keeps running toward the opportunity that is before her...We wonder if she will leave us behind and we can no longer see the back of her blonde hair...We know that she is finally free...she has left what is comftorable for you and me...

We will never be sure where her pattering feet will stop..We are scared and our hearts are in a tightly sewn knot..She has run so far that the now has become the past..We know she's found what she thinks will last..A girl that refused to live in the day to day..who wanted more and found a way...And there we see her stretching towards the sky...without a care of how or why...On this magical day; she learned how to fly...

A new cup...

It sometimes is so overwhelming to hear someone say how they enjoy the thoughts that I leave to be read here. It is a joy that is truly hard to express in the correct words. I suppose it's hard to explain for words sometimes don't manage to express the way our hearts and souls react to such an awesome happening. So, I must once again try by saying that I am absolutely fulfilled every time one of you is inspired or is touched and chooses to find these words here.

I see your little boxes every time I log on to purge the thoughts that continuously crowd my overworked mind. The boxes of the now 13 of you that have chosen to have me come right to your mailbox. I can't tell you how completely thrilled that makes me. I shall try by saying, it's almost like we are sitting on the front porch with the yummiest, fanciest coffee that they absolutely make...So here we are again, do you care for cream?

I peeped at the boxes and recognized them all for we'd met here for coffee many times before. We'd sat and talked about good times and bad, happy and sad. I even had few when I wanted to lean on all of you. Sometimes I held on tight, sometimes had to let go; but no matter the happenings I always let you know. So I had to look again at box 13 and wonder if it was someone that I'd once seen. I scrolled down the page and saw it again, the name of a follower who was my very good friend. So I smiled a big smile and made a fresh brew and pulled out another cup; just for you..

So pull up a chair and have a seat, for I have some thoughts that I want you to meet. And if you could help me share just a few, of the many things that you've helped me through..Like knowing for sure that a true friend is there, even when we can't see them anywhere. And that life goes on even if we are alone and if we believe; we can make it on our on...With the thoughts of a friend that said that we could- if only we did the things that we should..And if we believe in things unseen; We just might see an old friend in box 13...

Finding Amazing...

Amazing...have you ever really thought of the occasions that we use this "amazing" word. Funny that I should use the very word I'm considering to describe it, I know. However, it just seemed the only thing appropriate enough. I suppose We should all consider ourselves fortunate to have an opportunity that calls for such an expression. It is far beyond the common occurances that call for a good, great or even excellent. It is that moment or person or place that is just beyond the normal expectation of what we imagine could possibly be...

I believe that many times I have believed that I have been in a situation that has called for an "amazing", or even held the company of someone that seemed worthy enough to constitute an "amazing". Only the truth is after further consideration;I usually discover that they or the magnificent situation turn out to be less than "amazing". It is only later in life that I truly discovered the true meaning to such a powerful word.

Many things go through my mind when I think of this journey that I have traveled to end up where I am now in this wonderful place called life. I recall situations that were far less than amazing. I remember many that were absolutely painful and left me raw for days or months at a time. I even have some that will unfortunately disrupt a good nites sleep for many years to come. And this is where I time and time again manage to find my "amazing".

I know a place that has memories of pain and hurt and fear. It's a place in my mind that these memories live from time to time. I've been in situations that have made them reappear after years of masking them with a clip that finally refused to keep holding. I have mended the clip and taped it shut time and time again to no avail with just the strength of my soul and my mind; only later to find that it still managed to explode. I finally decided that I had to find a power much stronger than the mind and soul of the delicate blonde that housed them both. And so I did...

It seemed the only place left that I hadn't tried. I entered the doors armed with only the music of Sinatra; that would have been refused at the door, had they done a shakedown; and the worn gloves that had fought this battle before many times. I felt my crowded mind try to fight me as I turned on the first song that Sinatra would chant about the best being yet to come...and there it was before me...I pulled myself up for the first rep and I felt the clip tighten a bit as my mind started to clear...I went in for another and as my head went over the bar; I knew the end was near...and there I saw him smiling in this place a breath of fresh air that didn't have a face...With a mind and a soul as calm as the sea...I had to wonder how it finally happened for me...and there she was with sweat falling on her brow...the girl that had finally made it to the now...and I knew in that moment without any doubt that this was what the word "amazing" had been all about...And this was the moment she knew for sure with a mind so healed and a soul so pure; that the only word, no other would do was simply "Amazing" and she knew it was true...

A peaceful Soldier's sleep...

I sit here writing you tonight as my lean, silky, too snobby to be held cat lays in the inbox watching me. He barely fits in there and his head is resting on the hard metal wire of the box which to the normal human would be quite uncomftorable; but to him seems to be the perfect spot. I'm almost envious at the peace he has as he sleeps.

I believe the only time I might have come close to that kind of peace when I slept was when Uncle Sam was training me to be a soldier. I can remember being so out of it that when I heard the loud sound of a voice yelling for me to wake up at 4 am; I would really think that I was somewhere else. When I think of it now, it's amazing that of all the times in my life, this would be the one that I had the greatest memory of sleep.

I have many memories of being a soldier and serving for my country. Memories that make me laugh, some that make me smile, and some that were just plain miserable. Since it's Veterans day, it seemed appropriate that I share a few of these things about myself that many of you, my true followers, don't know. I decided after becoming a lost and confused "college student" that just hated to go to school, that maybe it just wasn't supposed to be in the cards for me. So it happened, just like that. I withdrew from everything that I was taking in school, stopped at the recruiters office and fed myself to the wolves. A few months later, I put on my first pair of boots, started sporting a set of fatigues and walked around with U.S. Army on my chest for 8 great years.

It's quite funny now that I end that last sentence with "great" years, but I believe if you add up the good and the bad and the miserable and the sad....the end result was great. I learned a lot about myself being a soldier for Uncle Sam. I came to realize that I was capable of living without anything but a poncho and a spot of the ground to sleep on with a few already made meals that featured the Army's greatest cuisine in a ready to go package. I also realized that you "can" go a week without a shower as long as the company that you held was under the same circumstances; because nobody really smelled bad when everyone did.

There are things that we as soldiers also learn that aren't so fixable with a bit of soap and water. We learn that when you go away to a foreign land to fight and keep peace that everybody you left with doesn't always get to come home. That's one of those tough lessons...the ones that stay with you, like when you got your most peaceful sleep. It's one of those things that stays with you so long that it remains to be a reason that you lose sleep.

The amazing thing about being a soldier though, is that although seeing a fellow comrad lose a life is something that will forever interrupt our peaceful "cat in a too little endbox" sleep. It never is able to take away the way our hearts explode when we see those red stripes rise to the top of a high flag pole as the star spangled banner plays. It's never taken away our stories that we can share with our children about a time when we were part of something much bigger than ourselves...But it will forever make us want to stop and shake the hand of the soldier that for no reason but for the love of his country will get on a plane..and fly to a place..where shots sound at night..and nothing is right. And the best part of the day is when your name is said...and there's a letter thrown on your bed..from the ones that you love that worry so much...because you are too far to feel their touch..or that you might not return some day...because you've become a someone's reason that sleep won't stay...

So as you are tucked in your beds tonight, remembers there's a soldier where things aren't so right. Trying to sleep with shots all around. Wishing he was a cat not making a sound...but laying in an end box that's much too small with nothing on his mind...no nothing at all...

You just might catch a butterfly...

I sit here tonight with my fingers typing away once again the things that fill my crowded mind. I am sometimes lost in the girl that I have become and can hardly believe the way the world sees such a clumsy, goofy being. I have done two photo shoots in the past week that should have exhausted me, but felt more like a happening that couldn't have really been. Pretty close to a dream that I thought I'd never come close to meeting. I've smiled at every sweet comment that each dear person has left me in the little facebook album that I made to display my impossible.

Sometimes, life is so hectic and unforgiving that the most of us give up on our "impossible" long before the wiser years of 37 ever approach us. We just walk away and although we say "forget" it's never forget, but usually just put away, the dreams that we once thought we could conquer. I find this is once again where I differ from the average being. I'm not sure why my dreams find me time after time, landing right in the palm of my hand. I believe it must be the way I chase them. Pretty similiar to a child chasing a butterfly, when you think you have him, he slips right out of your fingers; but then one day you are so quick that when you peep inside your clenched fist you can see him there caught after a million tries.

Dreams are that way, if you just keep chasing; you just never know how many butterflies you can catch. I once again, must credit fitness as the reason that a photographer wants to photograph me instead of the tiny model beside me that was born with a waist that two of my hands can cover after she's finished half a pizza. I have made myself unique and different from her long, slender, too tall to wear heels beauty of perfection.

I have found a way to build the physique that she is too spoiled and perfect to ever attempt. While she sits and meditates to her "spa" like music and relaxes with the cucumbers that should be filling her gut instead of sitting on her eyes; I am eating chicken at a red light hoping I have a piece of floss to get rid of the evidence before training my next client. I am eating broccoli that is cold and attributes nothing to taste for my ready to eat belly.

I run in the gym and head to the bathroom and rinse my mouth before rushing to the clanging gym floor to create another being like myself. She simply removes her cucumbers, tosses them away and heads to get a pedicure for her pampered feet. I finish up with my client and my feet dance to another 45 minutes of cardio that I can hardly survive on the same eliptical that I dance with every day. My feet ache, but I keep moving, knowing that the benefits are far greater than the pain.

Later, I shower and take a break before heading back to the gym that holds the fate of my impossibles. She is at home eating something that's not even meat but just a big white block of something that has protein and is organic with fancy pineapples on the side and a mixed drink of mush that helps her complexion stay at its best.

I, am here while she sips her mush..with a pair of the most torn gloves that you have ever seen with wrists wrapped tight to support the weight that my shoulders should not be able to press. I grab a pair of 45 pound dumbbells and do the swing and throw dance that I have mastered to get them from my thighs to the top of my shoulders with the help of no one. Smoothly I push them up for three sets perfectly and without a flaw as the shoulders that I built smile back at me with an undefeated smile. I grab another bar and put my shoulders through another hurdle that they manage to defend as well. I see her there this beauty that I've created that gets to model not because of the blue eyes that sit below a forehead with a few marks that show her years, but because of the shoulders that stand so tall that they now sweep her blonde hair.

The gym has made me the person that I never thought I could become. The art of weight lifting has made me different, unique and has allowed me to have the opportunities that are finally before me. It soothes my heart and soul, and creates the amazing encasing that now covers them both. I am unique because I choose to be, because I do what others will not. This "impossible" is available for all of us to reach but few of us ever will because we refuse to attempt the impossible. So put away those dreams that you will never forget or chase them like a child amazed by a beautiful butterfly. And who knows....you just might catch one one day

The mind is our only obstacle...

My eyes are so tired but yet my mind continues to race. I'm not sure why this happens to me and it always leaves me wondering if ordinary people have the same struggles defeating their thoughts. My exhaustion is not because it's a late hour tonight, but rather the results of a sleepless night last night. And as far as me referring to all of you as more ordinary than myself; well it's just something that probably is, and definitely not intended to bring undeserving recognition or credit upon anyone. It's just the things that my mind has been able to conquer. Not the things of a scholar with words I could never pronounce or a genius who can add a million numbers at a seconds notice; but rather the place that my mind has found to exist that few will ever know is there at all.

It's a discovery that I have only recently located even after hanging out here in this beautiful life for 36 years. Perhaps that is why when I know that I am in this place I rush here so that I can share it with as many of you as I can get to listen. So here's the place that finds me time and time again...

My soul is that which is never fed. It desires to help, reach and exceed beyond much of the company that I find myself surrounded by on any given day. It is a furnace that never burns down into the charred coals that I sometimes long for so that I can sleep and limit the rushing -that I feel- all of the hours- that my overly sore legs are awake- walking me around. It continues to burn as I long for the closed restful eyes that my two life partners have for the 8 hours that I am tossing and turning. Somewhere during the night it finally shuts down and I awake not wanting to move from the soft pillow that finally cradled my head and forced my eyes to close.

I awake and stretch as far as my too many pull-up arms can reach. The body that reaches aches like it should climb back in bed and find the pillow that cradled it's sleepy head, but this is where I start to find this place. I start to put on the clothes that will take me to the gym. I make breakfast for her and say good morning to him- the same way I do time and time again. Then I go alone and open up the door and I feel even more powerful than I did the day before. So I walk a little taller and my mind is right on que. For despite the sleepless night, it knows just what to do. It makes it way to grab the much too heavy weights, and throws them to it's shoulders while not a sound it makes. Just a silent little push with little effort at all, with nothing but the mind to stop them from their fall.

I look at the blonde that I still don't recognize. I am impressed with her strength especially for her size. But then I have to look again at those who do not know and want to tell them there's a place you have to go. Instead I look away for they would not hear a word but only insist it was nothing but absurd. And as she leaves the mind demands again to feed a soul from the place that is within. She climbs upon the bar with arms that ache and do the pullups that have now become her fate. She starts with one, feeling lighter than air, and still at fifteen feeling barely there. And finally lowers herself at number twenty two, knowing the secret of what a strong mind can do. She walks out the door but it never shuts down, so she turns on the computer and her fingers start to pound. She doubts they will listen but sends these thoughts their way, in hopes that another may find this place someday. For although we do not believe; she knows that it is true, the only magic another has that was not given to you...Is allowing your mind the power to do what you think it cannot do....The mind is the only obstacle you need to cross my friends; the rest will follow.

When we no longer see rainbows...

Sometimes my fingers are led to the keyboard much the same way that my legs are led to an endless trail. I am in need of a way to fill my soul and perhaps the souls of others through the miracle of exercise and words. I am certain that God has given me the ability to endure many physical obstacles and the love of writing so that it can be shared with all of you.

I walked out the gym and felt the aching of the triceps that I still hardly recognized after 5 years of training. The wind blew in my face and I wondered if I should reconsider walking back in and enduring the long half an hour on the electric machine that was too close to the one beside it. I pulled my gym bag on my shoulder and made a deal with my mind that my arms were so sore that I should skip the cardio completely and make my way to the warm couch at home instead. I lowered myself into the much too expensive car that I had been spoiled enough to beg my husband for and made my way toward my cozy paradise. I wondered why I'd insisted on buying a car so that I could keep up with the people that influenced me into their material world so many years ago. I thought of how much I hated that I'd been so different back then. I also hated sometimes how others seemed to have no thoughts at all, but my mind just seemed to think all through the day and night.

I turned and parked in the same spot that I'd parked so many times before. The spot that never led to a couch filled with fluffy pillows and a soft throw to break the chill of the room. I opened the door to the car that said nothing about who I was now and looked back at it with a frown. I thought of the little girl in the torn sweats that had taken a picture behind it while I was sitting there on the phone before getting out. I'd remembered the smile I gave her when she finally realized I was sitting there and blushed a bright red as she explained that it was her favorite car. I hated my car even more as I thought of her face, as I thought of who she thought I must have been. I tucked the strings of my too long laces and saw the path that was surrounded by a million trees on each side. I thought of how I wished she knew that I wasn't the girl that she painted in that perfect BMW.

I ran the first mile and never felt my feet hit the ground. My mind raced as I crossed turn after turn and climbed hill after hill. I came to the turn that I usually made and I decided that it would end too soon; and took a longer route. I felt the lightness visit me. I saw the woman I'd become and the things of this world that I no longer needed. I smiled at the tank top that was one of ten that I'd bought because it was the end of the season and they were only dollars a piece, and I ran some more. I pulled back the hair that for some reason looked the same when I spent sixty dollars every four weeks at the salon in small town Missouri as it did for one hundred and ten in the spa in Texas and my feet pattered some more. I smiled as I thought of finally realizing that there are few material things that will ever truly fill us with the needs that our soul desires.

I thought of the smile on the face of the blushing girl with the dream of being in the car that carried the prestigious label and my feet kept going. I thought of how happy she seemed with just a picture and a runaway laugh with a sneaky friend and I even laughed. I finally made it back to the car that waited once again to take me to my fluffy couch and above it I saw a rainbow that filled that overly windy sky and I stretched as I took in its beauty. I smiled like my little dreaming picture taker of how far I'd come. I apologized to the overpriced shuttle that never left me stranded. I gave thanks to the Lord upstairs for reminding me of what would never go with us when we were no longer here to see rainbows.

Change...

Change is almost always scary. As a matter of fact, it's usually the most uncomftorable thing that can happen to our lives. However, most of the time, it's the one thing that We need more than any other. I have made many "changes" in the past three weeks that have began to drastically change my life for the better.

With change,usually comes sacrafice. I'm certain that this is a part of a successful change because those same three weeks have consisted of moments when I have considered refusing to change, and remaining in the vicious circle that led to the need to change to begin with. I say all of this so that I can take you with me on the journey that I have traveled over the past three weeks...

Friends come and friends go, but sometimes; we find a friend so special that we can't imagine a day in our lives without their company. We want to call them when "too good to be true" things happen to us to share our joy; or hear them comfort us when tears won't stop falling because of something tragic. We cherish their very being; so much so that the expectations that we lay upon them are next to impossible to maintain. Finally the moment comes when they let us down so hard that we almost feel the blow when they drop us. When we are certain that they have hurt us both inside and out, the pain is so fierce and raw within us. We agree that life is better without "too good" phone calls and say goodbye with "not so good" words.

Then the moment comes that our soul feels silent. The emptiness is unbearable and we pray to whatever higher power will listen to make that feeling go away. We do the same thing the next day and even the next; only on our knees this time. Finally, we wake up and there is the biggest sun in the bluest sky that we have ever seen. The ache that was there begins to dull a bit and we make our way to the window to soak it all in. The unthinkable happens and we see the flowers that were in the back yard all the days before. The children's laughs on the street are like music as our weary ears stretch and listen. We are certain that time has become a healer that we had never believed in.

We take our same trip and open those same glass doors as we slip our fingers through those same smelly gloves. The breath that we take is lighter and deeper than it has been weeks before. The perfectly fitted iron bars reach out for our hands as We wrap them around for the perfect hold. Slowly our body raises above the bar rep after rep. We think of the friend that won't share in our new record..and we do another rep. we momentarily recall the pain that our heart endured as it found the strength to mend...and we do another rep. We slowly lower ourself in front of the mirror and see the muscled blonde beauty with eyes that were determined to never look back...and remember the most important reason for doing the things that we do. The love of one's self. We promise her right then and there to never give it away to another. The priority of another cannot be given when in return you are considered an option. Life is too short friends, Love yourself first....for if you don't no one ever will...

The perfect red headed Sunday.....

I sit here with the sounds of football on the tv downstairs and a little person's voice in the room beside me singing with yawns in between each verse. It's been the perfect Sunday. The kind of Sunday when you go to church, get your fill of God, and then come home and curl up on the couch. It's the kind of day that you eat chocolate pie with your little person with the same carefree joy that she has as she sticks her finger in the whipped topping that covers it. When you could care less about how many minutes it will take you and the treadmill to rid your physique of the evidence.

So maybe it does cross your mind a couple times if you are really honest with yourself, but the moment is so perfect that you just smirk and have another bite. I sit here with a belly full of the yummiest chocolate pie and whipped topping that I have ever eaten. I hardly mean that it was the best ever made, but simply that it was the best ever shared. I think of the smiles and laughs that I shared with the prettiest little red headed, green eyed beauty over that perfect piece of pie. Funny, because my actual intention was to go for a long run after I finished getting my fill of the Lord this morning; but I only curled in the same spot on the couch refusing to move.

I felt my body relax as my eyes shut and I fell asleep while the sounds of football faded in the background. When I awoke the little person that fills my life with smiles asked if she could have some chocolate pie. When I replied, "only if mommy can too", a smile as big as Texas lit up her face. She seemed it impossible that I would share such a high calorie moment with her, and the look on her face when I stuck my finger in the whipped topping behind her was just priceless. I looked at the beauty that had held my heart for 9 years and I felt an ache that frightened me more than an intruder. I saw her red hair that touched her waist and the delicate hands that played a set of ivory keys as well as any 15 year old and I was overwhelmed. I saw her there, my little red headed girl trying to slip away from me and grow up while I wasn't looking.

I kissed the chocolate on her rosy cheek and wiped a runaway tear as she headed out the door with her happy friends. I thought of the worries of being the perfect competitor..Of the days when I'd stolen her moments to do two cardio's for the preparation...saw the moments that I was grumpy because of the low carbs...When I'd made her sit through morning and night shows so that I could compete...I saw her at 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and now...it didn't seems so important anymore...

I thought of the way her face lit up when we went on vacations...The love that she had for animals in the zoo...for taking pictures...or the way she cherished the short time it took out of my day to read a book...I thought of 10, 11, and 12...
and I knew that there would always be a show and always a girl to compete...there would always be the one I never beat...but a little girl will never always be...she will grow up to be much like me...so if there's a show that I never do...or a dream that never comes true...I would never regret missing it...to do the things I do..like eating chocolate pie off my finger with a grin...and savoring every little moment that I can never do again...So my friends although fitness can heal your very core...please let us not forget there's always something more...like the little person who seems to be just fine...but if you asked would love more of your time...So grab their little fingers as they wrap around your hand...and be the very best friend for the little time you can...for if you look away a moment much too long...your little person with soon be moving on... Fitness Is So good Friends, but let's not forget the rest...

A place to feed the soul

I sit here writing you tonight while the world sleeps. It is completely silent with the exception of a few singing bugs outside the window and the tapping of my fingertips on the keyboard. The only other place that even comes close to making me feel this at ease is a gym filled with grunting overmuscled men trying to lift the weight of the gym. I'm sure I got your attention when you read that. You must be thinking that it would seem the most impossible place to find peace. I'm here to assure you that you are mislead.
I want more than anything, yes just more than anything, to reach out and take more people to this place that they just don't know exists. It's amazing when you discover what it feels like to be there completely in that moment where no one exists but you. It's magical when you close the curtain and leave those puffing too weight hungry animals back stage. It's almost overwhelming when you finally discover your very soul and mind make that awesome connection as you push set after set of too heavy dumbbells. I've failed time after time to reach my clients deep enough to introduce them to this place that few have visited. It's a place that few of us will ever reach. I've been here time after time with just the voice of Frank Sinatra singing about the cycles of our lives. I've heard every word that he's said as my body has pushed its self to cross brick walls.
I've heard as he's pleaded that although he's down so are many others. I've smiled on hard days as he's explained that through the cycles of our lives there will always be smiles followed by tears. I stress that I work out to Frank Sinatra and many like him to make a more silent point my friends. As I walk through the doors and hear the grunts and groans of my less peaceful gym goers with their my daughter couldn't listen music blaring in their ears; I am saddened for them. My heart absolutely aches for their missed opportunity. I assure you friends there is a place that you can go in your mind that will lead you to a deeper peace than you have ever felt.
I've been told before that there has to be a mind body connection in weight lifting to reach your full potential. I believe it goes even further my friends. You have to be there, I mean really there, just you and lose the audience that exists in your background. It's much deeper than the beautiful being that you are hoping to create for the world to see. It's more than the new gym outfit that you are sporting around for the first time. It's the hurt that your best friend keeps throwing at you time after time though you love them unconditionally...It's the way you always fall behind just when you think you will finally get ahead at work...It's the dreams you never made come true...The way others aren't great to you...It's anything and everything that's wrong in your world..
It's when you are there facing it all head on until it's gone. It's that moment when a pair of iron dumbbells become food for your soul. When you are completely in control. It's that moment when no one is there but you, though the room is more than full. When you push out, then bring them down and you never hear a sound; other than the sound of you...So my friends I hope you try to find this place that I want so much for you to see...Just clear your mind, open your heart and your soul shall set you free... Oh fitness friends, it's so much more than a rippled physique; get to know the rest...for oh how it fills a hungry soul...

I stumbled to the kitchen the same way most of us stumble on Monday mornings as we wonder who stold Saturday and Sunday away from us. I followed my feet as they led me to the coffee maker to brew my first cup of "black only" coffee while I skimmed the pages of the lives of my facebook junkies. I took my first sip, and as I wondered how it could possibly be fair that I chose to give up the cream and equal of previous mornings; I saw a post that made the lack of cream and sugar seem minimal. I stared at the blonde beauty in the blue rhinestone suit with the same heels that I have mastered a million quarter turns in. I read her post a few more times before it truly set in. "First in my class, in my very first show", I wanted to post right away how amazing and flawless she looked on the stage, reaping the rewards of her no yummies for 12 weeks diet; but something in me couldn't yet type the words.
I hated this part of me, the part that had that little inkling of jealousy for the first places that after 6 shows, I've yet to see. I've known that this part of me has existed for quite some time and please don't get me wrong; I have sought help through self-help books and prayers, many prayers. I decided to give myself two hours to decontaminate this demon that was living within me and then I would respond. An hour passed, and I picked up my trustworthy book and read a couple pages, and just so you know it's "Jealousy, the sin no one talks about" by RT Kendall. I read again how many times the author, RT Kendall had found himself in the same position and how he despised the part of him that couldn't just be happy for his colleages.
He even goes to add how he questioned when his friend claimed that the spirit of God was in their church because he couldn't understand why God had not come to "his" church. Yes friends, our author is a very well know minister. I felt like I was amongst good company and not such a wicked soul, but rather a repentful one. I, after all was seeking to rid myself of this pest that lived within me. It can be so painful for us to admit that We are jealous. However, jealousy goes far beyond the happenings of today, and dates back all the way to Cain and Abel. He goes on to explain how the Reverand Billy Graham has made more preachers jealous than you could count-not dozens, hundreds, or thousands, but hundreds of thousands. I began to forgive myself for my mishap and pat myself on the back for the guts to admit to such a thing and share it with all of you.
I made it to my car with my music attached to my arm, ready to rock me through two hours of a workout that may or may not lead me to a first place in 26 weeks. I grabbed my phone and my too pink gym bag and started to head to the place that I was most powerful. I thought of how great I felt on the other side of those doors as warriors watched me do twice as many pull-ups as themselves. I thought of the many times they'd walked up and told me as much and shook my hand. I thought of the pretty blonde in the blue rhinestone suit with the brightest of smiles for the trophy that she'd earned. I grabbed my phone and without an inkling of anything but pure joy from the very core of my now clean heart; I wrote a message right beside the picture that I'd viewed over my less than yummy coffee that morning. I simply wrote "A true, flawless beauty", and that she was my friends...and that trophy well deserved..and at that moment I knew that I meant every word and that the jealousy from the two hours before had moved on and had left my love everybody heart.
As I walked out the gym, I heard my phone ding and I read the message that awaited me. It was the blonde beauty in the blue rhinestone suit with words as beautiful as she was; Simply they read: "Thanks Jena, you are an inspiration to me. You lit a desire in me to push myself to the next level. You are an awesome woman and I hope we meet in person some day." I dried the awesome tears from my sweaty cardio cheek and felt a pang in my humbled heart, and I ran my fingers through my own blonde hair and smiled as I thought of the beauty that had sent those words to me; A woman that was much like myself, living life with a dream of being a champion in rhinestone heels. I smiled as I thought of the beauties that held my same dream and vowed to be more grateful to be in the company of such an amazing, less than ordinary group. Life is so good friends, don't let jealousy stop you from loving and rejoicing in it with the true beauties around you...

The most loyal friend

I love helping others meet fitness. I love when I'm able to bring them face to face for the first time and initiate the first handshake. I'm empowered when I see their eyes meet and sometimes even cry a happy cry together. Sometimes, I just stand at the sidelines and watch them as they live their life together hand in hand run after run or walk after walk. It's amazing how close they all become to him each time I bring them face to face. I enjoy seeing the smiles as they become less dependent on the lifestyle that led them to the misery; he has taught them to overcome.

Few things are greater than the moment a life of entrapment is left behind. Few friends are so loyal as to hold you as tight when you're weeping as they do when you are rejoicing. Fitness manages to do this with every person that I introduce him to. Today, I introduced him to two special women that I have just been lucky enough to add to my world of wonderful women. I don't say "special" lightly because the wife of a warrior is hardly a light job.
It's a lifetime of moments,moments of sadness, loneliness and many goodbye's. It's a baby taking a first step with just a mother's grasp and a throat with a sad lump for the dad that never got to see it. It's a Christmas with a lighted tree and a tiny tot wishing the best of holidays to a dad through a video lens. A first day of school every year with a nervous little person looking uncertain at the same two eyes that never let her down; because they insisted on standing on their own firm ground. The dance he never saw, who knew that she would crawl, the spelling bee she won...his only son..I wish you could have seen; I can't believe she's a teen...The smile upon her face when she won that first race..The mom that stood so tall and proud...amongst the final crowd...or when they threw the cap that matched that final gown...she only had a smile though he was not around...

So, this is why I do the things I'm called to do..For the woman that gives her all for the soldier who's called too..So should you find me on my little chatting blog..and know that this is you that's in the thickest fog..simply grab my hand and that of fitness too...and we will ensure that you make it through...

I sit here with a hollow heart and a grumbling tummy as I write you this afternoon my friends. I'm sad to say that I indulged in a few "I've gotta have something, sweet tooth treats yesterday" that have made me feel less than the superior athlete today. I must admit though, that the usual five high protein low carb meals of my normal diet are on track today.
I'm not sure what happens to make our normally disciplined bodies partake in such garbage from time to time. It's amazing how the person from earlier years can just show up any given Sunday and hi-jack the "I will never eat sugar" perfect being that we know we all are today. It amazes me how we will make deals with our mind and swear to a week of hour a day cardio sessions just to enjoy a little more sugar than our deprived rippled physiques need.
So, that brings me back to the guilt the day after, pretty high up there with a convicted felon or at least that's how you feel when you think about the calories that will now put you behind on your goals. I like to think of myself as a problem solver and so to get over my sugar rush yesterday and walk away from another sugary treat; I decided to write my next column on hidden sugar. I grabbed a bottle of spring water, made my way to the computer and began to research sugar and the different foods it's hidden in.
I was amazed and I slowly forgave myself when I learned of the sugar the average human being consumes every single day. Wow, I am a disciplined rippled machine; my conscience felt better the more I read. The average American eats 156 pounds of sugar a year-at least double what health experts recommend. I stood a little taller in my seat when I realized that even with my "slip up" I was far beyond average. I finished my bottle of water grabbed another and laced up my sugar burning sneaks and pitter pattered until I felt the sugar leave my body. I came to the end of my run wiped the sweat from my sugary brow and smiled at the thought of the taste of yummy chocolate...I realized that an occasional sugary treat is nothing but a moment in life, a chance to live and enjoy...Life is short friends, just run it off and get back to what you know the next day...Fitness is so good, but let's not forget the rest...

So much more than "The Man Upstairs"

I've often wondered why my life always seemed like it was missing something despite how happy I am most of the moments that make it up. I sat for a long time last night when sleep refused to hang out with me and I thought of the "life" that I have created for myself. I thought of all the wonderful people that surround me, but then thought again of how most of them manage to let me down.
I saw myself at the gym time and time again feeding my soul and filling that same empty hole with iron dumbbells until it seemed a little less hollow. Somewhere between those thoughts I dozed off and woke up to the sun of another Sunday morning. I drug myself up off the couch and made my way to the usual cup of joe and tea cup of cheerios that always helped me survive my "no carbs before bed" starving belly; until I was able to make my morning oatmeal. I finally grabbed my warm mix of oatmeal and egg whites and savored each bite until the bowl was empty.
I made my way to the shower and put on the green sundress that I'd fallen in love with and bought the week before. I made it to the car and was surprised to see that I'd actually managed to make it a few minutes early and patted myself on my back. I said hello to the same faces that I saw every week and made my way to the same pew in the same seat that I sat in every week. I opened the book that I knew I should read more and followed along as the pastor in front of me instructed us to do. I heard him clearer this time though; something inside of me could understand all of his words this morning. He said that we all take the Lord "too lightly" and I recalled my earlier facebook post where I identified God as "the big man upstairs". I'd thought it was an appropriately "cool" post at the time but now regretted it terribly.
I heard him as he said time and time again that the Lord God is not a man, and We could not make any back room deals with him like that of a crooked politician. I made a deal with myself to delete the nonsense from my page as soon as I made it back to the computer. We sang "How Great Thou Art" and I looked at the words as I sang them. "O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made," and I thought of all the runs between the winding paths and beautiful trees and how they made my heavy chest as light as a feather in the wind.
We continued to sing " I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed," and I remembered my dance in the rain despite the loud thunder that filled my soul. We sang verse after verse and I carried the words to my heart taking them in this time, though I'd sang the same song many times before.
I made my way to the front and found the knees that performed perfect squats and deadlifts time and time again without error and I knelt and said a prayer and a couple thank-you's to the Lord that was speaking to my overflowing heart. I made my way out the doors and headed home to change for the run that I wasn't able to complete earlier in the week. I laced up my same faithful running shoes and made my way to the same path that led me to a leaner, happier self.
I ran a faster pace this time with no discomfort even further than all the times before. I saw the birds around me and could feel the breeze in my hair. I shutdown the music that I usually needed to survive such a long journey and I just listened to the world around me. My heart so full, but not heavy like before. I continued to run.
I heard the kids laughing at the park I'd passed every day with music in my ears and I thought of how magical this world really is. I realized that what helped me survive all of the things that I'd survived through running paths and thousands of pull-ups was much bigger than I ever knew.
I looked at the big beautiful sky above me and knew that he'd been there all along; holding my hand, dancing in the rain and guiding me through all of the storms I'd survived. I was certain he was there today as well. I recalled the last verse of that beautiful hymn as I walked to stretch my exhausted legs. "And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing; sent him to die, I scarce can take it in; That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin."
I took a deep sigh looked high up at the sky and knew that no matter my faults he would always be nearby....I could scarce take it in my friends...Fitness is so good, Let us not forget the rest....

I sit here at the same desk, sharing my thoughts with all of you once again. I feel a bit different today, a bit more like a writer, I suppose. I'm thrilled to share with all of you that my own fitness column, in a real paper; will be coming out tomorrow. It's funny how proud it can make you when someone notices your talent and appreciates the words that you share with others. I say "talent" because I didn't go to some fancy college to learn to write or even study journalism in high school to improve my chances of becoming a writer. It's just something that I feel in my heart and soul. It goes so far beyond a keyboard and a screen with the correct punctuation. I write for all of you when I am living life. I know exactly what I want to say before I even make it to the computer. I take you with me to the gym on days when I exceed my own expectations, and I have you with me when I run to ecape heartache or rough things that life throws at me. I enjoy sharing these experiences with you and assuring you that life is sometimes a struggle for all of us. It's no secret that I use fitness to not only improve my life but to also move away from it from time to time. It's such a useful tool in this journey that we call life. I've survived more things than most of you could ever imagine by strapping up a pair of running shoes. I can't explain it completely but can promise that your mind can completely move away from the biggest of situations when you start to pitter patter those two feet down a road that holds only you. It amazes me how much lighter your chest becomes as the miles pass. There are few things as satisfying as the accomplishments We can make in our own physiques. It goes so far beyond a perfect black bikini with the tightest set of abs to show it off. The satisfaction comes when you see that first tricep muscle that you built when you were recovering from a friend breaking your heart....Or when you finally make it out on the town in the cutest of dresses after losing the brother that you loved your whole life and you see those tight muscled legs that survived it by running mile after mile the year before...it comes when you know without a doubt that no matter what lies ahead, you will not be defeated. We cannot see what lies ahead on the paths that we travel friends. Sometimes what awaits us can happen so quickly that We don't get to prepare for the blow it will throw us. Fitness feeds our soul, heals our hearts and keeps us keeping on even when We want to fall to our knees and never get back up... I've ran millions of miles on so many different roads of the places that life has taken me. I set a new record last week and did my 140th pullup...a man came up and shook my hand when I got off the bar...He asked how I'd made it to such a high number and told me how great the development of my back muscles were...I smiled with a teary eyed smile and said you should see what it's done for my heart...Life is wonderful friends, fitness makes it better...

I sit here with a guilty conscience as I think of the almighty dance partner in the corner that I avoided this morning. I finished the workout that keeps my shoulders standing tall and thought of the 45 minute dance that I still needed to get in. I knew he was patiently waiting on my arrival, but I didn't even look his way. I just finished my last sip of water and tucked my worn gloves into the pocket of my "overly pink" gym bag. I headed toward the double glass doors and stretched like a lazy cat in the warm sunshine. I could feel him luring and the temptation was too hard to resist as I knelt to tuck the strings on my "ready to run" shoes. I seemed to glide down the paths of green trees that ran into the little bridge that led me over the small creek. My chest became lighter as I relaxed and breathed in the fresh air of the outdoors. I saw a couple rabbits cross my path and smile at me as they showed off the speed their little feet could endure. I felt like a slower version of one of them as I ran freely without a care in the world. I knew I would give in to this affair again and again. I thought of the metal partner in the corner that would miss seeing me every day and I ran some more. I knew I would betray him time and time again. I finally came to the end of my run and smiled at the distance I'd covered with my new adventurous love. I walked to my car and saw the drops start to fall from the sky and hoped that my partner in the corner would forgive me on days like this and take my hand for our regular dance. I knew in my heart that he would understand and take me back in as I grabbed my water and saw him dancing another partner to a fitter set of legs. I smiled as I watched the kick in his step as he taught this new dancer the dance that would lead to a happier life. I saw the sparkle in his eyes as he pulled this new partner closer to the goals that she a few minutes before thought she'd never meet. I smiled to myself that I'd left him to guide her through the beginning of her journey. Another partner in fitness in the making; I was satisfied as I thought of her possibilities. Fitness is a journey friends it begins with a single step that will be rewarded with a million more. Life is so good, fitness makes it longer.

Finally, I sit and write you from the office of my little Missouri home. I truly thought I would never make it to the modest little town that sits before me. Change can be both an exciting and scary journey all in one. I've unpacked every box and put up every picture and comfy pillow that makes an empty house a home. I even baked two separate batches of cookies just to have the familiar smell in the kitchen; okay, and to keep the little red-headed monkey that lives here in smiles. It's what I do to help the little person that moves again and again to feel settled, grounded, home. I drove around a bit and looked at the mountains and the millions of trees that surround the town that disappears at every turn. Hidden in the valley's, there are beautiful creeks that makeup for the malls and fancy restaurants that are nowhere to be found. I wonder how I will pass my two year stay here.I Ask myself if the beauty that the Lord has before me will be enough to keep me happy with nothing to pass my time. I keep driving, trying to be grateful for the wonderful life he gives me move after move. I see the building I've been looking for in the distance as I drive. I make the final turn and park the car that I have driven all the way from Mexico to arrive here. I walk through the doors and say hello to the new faces that welcome me in. This place feels familiar although I have never walked through the doors before. I put in the earphones that have helped me survive cardio for millions of minutes of my life. I attach the final velco on the worn out smelly gloves that my mind thinks are bad luck to replace- and take a final deep breath as I pull myself up for the first pull-up- in the place that will build me for 2 years. I don't stop until an hour and 120 pullups later. I feel the familiar satisfaction in my gut, do the same familiar grin at the men that look at me like an alien, that just fell out the sky; and walk the familiar walk to the eliptical that now overlooks the track downstairs. I find the same song and do the same dance with this new partner that will help me sweat the 4 pounds of vacation yummy that found my hips. I dance song after song and sweat drop after drop on the new floors of my life. I think of the possibilites that await me here....think of the pull-ups that I have yet to add to my record in this place...I imagine crystal heels, rhinestone suits and theater make-up....I think about the first place I never got, and I dance... I imagine the blonde hair that I want to grow so I can wear it on stage...and I dance...I catch a glimpse of the one time chubby girl in the mirror with the beautiful pull-up back and I applaud...I put away the smelly gloves and dry off the sweaty earphones and float out of the glass doors that hold my fate. I wonder if two years will be enough time to do what I need to do in this place....I laugh as I think of myself wondering if I would have something to pass my time...Fitness friends it will always be a part of you no matter where you end up in this beautiful world...Life is so good

The swing

I sit here tonight, tired legs, aching shoulders and an exhausted heart. My legs and shoulders are just an unfortunate consequence of missing four days in the gym last week; due to a 15 hour trip to Missouri. It's funny how we can deceive ourselves into believing that we will find a gym on the road after driving ten hours before we finally stop. Amazing how powerful we sometimes see ourselves in our imaginations. However, after about 6 hours of driving we somehow seem to remember the importance of rest to grow muscle and decide that this is the perfect time to do just that. On the other hand, that brings us to my exhausted heart the muscle that sometimes will never heal, despite the amount of rest it gets. First of all, I must say, that at the beginning of my final journey from almost Mexico, to the land of my childhood; my heart was happy and healthy and singing all of the 2700 miles that took three days to drive. I'm even proud to say that as I drove up to the little church that held so many of the people that still lived in my heart, it continued to sing and I believe even dance as my little happy heart hugged them all. I'm not sure when my heart became so exhausted but I do think I have a good idea when it might have started to become weary. You see as I walked to the porch of the swing that held me as I complained about my childhood problems; across the lawn next door I saw a little person with the whitest of blonde hair and the blue-est of blue eyes coming toward me; and I'm sure I forgot to mention the dirtiest of dirty little puggy feet that carried her tiny frame without a shoe in site. Little did I know at that moment how she would change my stay into what I had envisioned. Her very first words, I could never forget were "how did you get your nails so pink?", with a shy little smile as she peeped at my toes. I, in return as I looked at the worn polish that was covered by dirt on her bare tiny feet replied, " I painted them with the perfect pink polish", and I asked if I should do hers as well. The smile on her face once again made my happy heart smile. She met me at the door the very next day with those same dirty bare feet ready to be the perfect pink, and of course I obliged. I must say for the 3 minutes that it lasted she had the prettiest white feet with the most perfect of pink toes; I can still see her face and the admiration and gratefulness she had for the few minutes of my time that I gave to her. I learned more about her everyday that I spent here. My swing of my childhood became the place that I listened to the problems of this new little person's childhood. I realized that the stories were much sadder than my own; I think this must of been when my heart stopped singing every song....I watched her walk those bare little feet day after day as I listened to the stories of the Mommy that was going to return to her someday or the grandma that just couldn't wait for her to come to Ohio. However, as I looked at the father that gave her a place to stay that wasn't even her own; I knew that those truths were only in her little mind. I watched her day after day as she returned to the place next door that she slept every day in conditions that I thought were not great enough for a girl of her beauty. My heart even started to ache a bit for her. I felt the need to give her my attention the moments that I had with her and listen to the stories that she told that should be beyond her knowing. I must say, probably the final point that did my heart in must have been when I saw her walking across that same lawn next door with those same little bare feet only in the darkness coming to tell me the latest story of her day. I tried not to worry as I saw the truck backed up loading up the furniture that lived in that little house with her, and for the first time I was afraid to sit on our swing and hear her news. I saw those little blue eyes tell me that she was leaving and it would be soon...it would be tonight...and she thought I looked so pretty....and she would miss me....and as the tiniest of tiny arms wrapped around my neck one last time, she said as loud as those pink little lips could say....I love you...I do believe this is when my heart didn't sing, didn't dance, and just broke right into....There I sat, on the swing that fixed everything....completely helpless, completely in love with a little blonde haired beauty that would forever have the sweetest dirty feet and the cleanest, purest heart of any one person that I have ever known. I sometimes wonder to myself, because I got to know her such a short time and she taught me so very much, if maybe the Lord makes tiny little angels with white hair and little dirty feet to see if we can look beyond the dirt and wash the feet of the angel that stands before us....I do believe this is the case of my little angel as I sit on the swing of my childhood and think of the angel that found me here....Life is so good friends sometimes we even get see angels

Gem in the desert..

I sit here wearing the same straps of the sports bra that kept me dry while I tackled the height of my mountain run this afternoon. I have replaced the cloth with a layer of aloe, but can still see the white straps the sun couldn't reach today; outlined by a rosy pink that should have been given a little more sunscreen. I have recently given back in to the love that I have for running. I began about a month ago getting my feet accustomed again by running the red flat sands of the desert. I discovered along the way that my sleepless nights are less when I pitter patter my feet to that three to four mile journey each day. I love the way the rhythm of my run leads to a night of peaceful sleep. I've thought of many things along the way after double knotting those shoes that just can't wait to take off. I've been everywhere from South Carolina to Texas in my mind as I run. Remembered heartaches and regretted mistakes even thanked the man upstairs in a breathless prayer a couple times for the things I've survived as my feet kept that steady pace. I discovered that running is part of me, an outlet for the things that crowd my mind. My legs and my "keep the pace" feet are starting to outgrow the little red sand route that I found in this barren desert. So today, I had to venture out and take the chance that I would never find alone, another path with more room for the things that trouble my weary mind. I say take the chance, because, it is a rare occassion that I ever find where I am intending to go; another flaw that I think about when I'm running; and another reason that I love it so, because there are no correct turns; you just run. I was lucky today, I found my gem in the desert on my first try. A path in the middle of some of the most beautiful mountains I have ever seen; here in this place that I have cursed since I moved in. I felt guilty for even having the terrible thoughts of my too close to Mexico home, as I ran between the mountains that ran into a big beautiful blue sky resembling the sea. I whispered a labored thank-you to the big man in the sky and held my head down in hopes that he would forgive the beauty that I overlooked, and I ran some more. I made it to the end, looked back at the new desert gem that I would treasure until I left this place, and I thought of how I just couldn't wait to come back to visit tomorrow. Life is so good when you finally find the treasure you've overlooked; and yes, even Mexico is quite beautiful when you take the chance to look around...

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The true definition of strength, beauty and grace..

I sit here tonight after reading a post from one of my friends on bodyspace; a guy with a physique that is obviously credited to hours in the gym much like myself. I read his words and I am stunned as I look at them before me...Beyond phenominal physique and the true definition of strength, beauty, and grace...The words shock me as I read them to myself and prepare a message to thank him for the kind words. I thought of the meaning of each for a moment as I said them aloud to myself "strength", I thought, and I saw the 20 pull-ups I did in one set today as the warriors that I train beside cheered me on; but then I thought again of that powerful word and I saw the many times that I held a sick baby and kissed her warm head until it was cool again despite the hours that passed without sleep. I thought of holding that same baby with rosy happy cheeks as I put my soldier on a plane to go and fight a war that we may never win. I thought of "strength" when I held her as she cried for him so hard that she couldn't catch her breath...I thought of the way I would protect her forever from any harm for all of the days of her life...strength..And then I looked at the next word before me "beauty".I suppose if we are lucky enough to be granted a pair of great blue eyes and we keep our skin out of the aging sun for too many hours a day, most of the female population can pull of beauty..but then I thought again...I looked at the arms before me that had the shoulders that stood high because of the many workouts that molded them to cap over my long lean arms...beauty...I also thought of the same rosy cheeked little girl with hair as red as the desert sand I ran on this morning and eyes as green as the ones on the face of the daddy she adores....beauty....And finally I came to grace...I thought of the soldier that came to me this morning in the gym, just to tell me how great my back was and what was my secret? I, in surprise asked if he was serious and led him to the pull-up bar...insisting that with enough practice anyone could do 20 pull-ups...grace..Then I thought of the little rosey cheeked red headed girl again and how she had grown into a full 9 years old....I cried at the way the years pass by so quickly..the unconditional love of a mother...grace...I finally replied to his message with a reply that simply read "Thanks, those words mean so very much", Life is good friends, fitness is only part of it...don't forget the rest...Live it..

Another Dance...

So today I met my almighty eliptical machine in the same corner of the same gym where we've been meeting for almost a year now. I thought of all the songs I have taken it's mighty arms and danced to, in an effort to take my mind off another grueling cardio session. I thought of my audience that takes the time to read my thoughts as I leave them here unedited and ready to share. I thought of all of you as I made my way half way through again with the help of Michael Buble singing "Save the last Dance" although it was far from my last with 30 minutes remaining; and probably at least enough time to hit the floor with Elton John, Lionel Richie, and maybe even a round with Prince. I had to wonder if the same is true for all of you. I thought of the person that just can't seem to get their diets on track because of an emotional home or a vicious circle of failure, and I danced some more...I thought of the client that cried when she stood before me and asked me to help her find herself under the 300 pounds that now covered her heart and soul. I remembered the girl that came to her first show and never returned because she didn't quite look like the competitor beside her, and I danced a little longer. I remembered the Dad that just wanted to be healthier to run with his kids long enough for a backyard football game, and I danced a little more..I thought of how I could reach them all and tell them that it's all possible; I thought of the clients that finally made it through and became happier and healthier, and learned to dance their own dance...I saw a girl headed toward my machine, looking a little nervous to approach me. I saw her patiently waiting for me to finish with an adoring look on her face... I stepped away from my cardio dance partner and pulled my music from my ears... I heard her ask for my help....I heard the word cancer and recovered and better.... I smiled at her and offered my smile, and told her to meet me on Monday for her first session... I thought of the possibilities for all of you through the little girl that beat the beast of cancer and found the joy of fitness...Being overweight or not at your fitness goals is not an incurable disease; it's just a matter of change....Changing a few eating habits or how long we sit on the couch in front of a t.v. It's going for a walk and enjoying the sunshine...It's eating the foods the Lord made for us instead of bag of artificial chips...It's rewarding your body for getting up and carrying you around or breathing and blinking a million times without a single command. Our bodies respond to what we feed them and what activity we decide for them to do...I'ts simple as that...take the time to take care of your bodies friends and it will pay you back with a happier, healthier life. Life is short enough, when you look around and see that the little person beside you has become just as big as you...take care of your body so that you will be there for the "big" times too...Life is short, Live it to the fullest friends..

I sit here writing this blog as I hover over a warm bowl of oatmeal with only sea salt and a few egg whites that I tore the middle out of, like they would stop my heart from beating if I ate them. I have my "girl" moments when my hormones lead me to a big bowl of chocolate ice cream; or a a few moments in my life,when the best cook in the world; who just so happens to be my mom; cooks the best dish of mac and cheese that this world has ever known and I have to indulge. However, most of the time; I really think about what I put into my body. I haven't always been that way, I think life has taught me to be this way. I've really struggled with my weight my whole life; which is something a lot of my new audience that thinks I'm super cool doesn't really know. I still struggle as a matter of fact. I've learned that you truly do have to pay attention to your diet even more than your workouts. I've taken my physique to a level that I never thought a chubby high school girl could ever reach. It's improved my confidence and I'm able to enjoy more things in life because of my healthy lifestyle; you just plain feel better. When I started this blog today, I was going to share with all of you that I am moving with my soldier to Fort Leonardwood, Missouri and then I was going to say, "So, sorry guys, I won't be able to compete in the show Saturday", and then I was going to walk away satisfied that I had a great explanation that you would all understand. However, when I was dancing the last 20 minutes with my almighty eliptical in the corner; I opened my email to skim through my messages and the one waiting for me, changed my mind completely. It was from a girl, much like myself. Another competitor with hopes of walking across that stage, a woman that openly and honestly has given me the reasons she couldn't this time around. Reasons that all of us encounter like, soccer, and husbands and responsibilities that are more important than planned meals and two a day cardio sessions. A person that thanked me for the opportunity to be inside my head on such a personal journey. I then thought about the chubby girl I mentioned earlier; the one that wasn't so cool in high school; the one that did eat potato chips and burgers and didn't have the genetics to get away with it. I thought of the girls that are just like her, that haven't found their way to fitness or have some person or thing that keeps them from reaching for the fit person their hearts want them to be. I thought of my head, inside my head, and thought I owed my audience more. I'm not doing the show Saturday, and the reason isn't because I'm moving or because I'm busy with work or family; it's just because I'm not ready. My chizzled abs are not accompanied by tight hamstrings; and my 5 years of posing have not yet led me to the perfect routine; and truthfully, the new me that thinks she's so cool can't face another 2nd place. I want first. I've been there 6 times from morning to night; I've been there when they've called me for 5th four times and when they gave me 2nd twice. I know I didn't reach the level to be a champion this time around, and I've been a competitor more than enough times to just enjoy the experience. So my friends, we are all just plain human, no one is beyond failure every now and then. The true test is if you give up; as for me, I have given myself a little more time so that I can capture what it is I want to capture up there.... I want to win, and I just won't give up until that happens. I'm thrilled to be moving to Missouri because of the fact that it is so close to my team at Beverly Nutrition. For that reason, I have decided to compete in the Northern Kentucky which is hosted by the team that is closest to my heart....seems a more appropriate place to reap my rewards...Life is good friends...offer no execuses, or no apologies, just live it for you..to the fullest....

An unrested machine.....

So my friends today I am having trouble finding the girl that you have read about in previous bloggs. The girl that has been moving brick walls and throwing up weights that equal her own has hit a wall today. I've looked for the 'nothing keeps me from the gym girl' all day and she is no where in sight. Instead I see a shadow of her lying with legs up on the couch and the phone off by her side. Her eyes are struggling to stay awake and with every move her defeated body aches. She has given in to the exhausted state her efforts have put on her body. She drove straight past the gym without a blink this morning and drug herself to the shower and gave in to the almighty oatmeal she'd skipped for three weeks straight. Sometimes our bodies fight back and we just have to give in. A machine doesn't continue working without rest; and much is the same for our bodies. There comes a time when the body just waves the white flag and we have to give in and shut things down for the day. As I write this blogg, my body is grateful for the rest that I allowed it to have today. It is satisfied and refueled because of the oatmeal with the small dollup of butter that I gave into this morning. It has promised to repay me tomorrow and for the 22 days that we have remaining. Even a champion is nothing more than an average person that wanted more...Our bodies are all the same and sometimes we have to just take a breather......See you at the gym tomorrow friends.....

The Learned Dance

I started my familiar morning with the metal weights that fit my hands so perfectly. I grabbed them from the rack, put them upright on my thighs and did the final one, two, three with my legs to push them to my chest. I had to smile in awe of myself at how gracefully I throw up a set of 55 pound dumbells. I credit myself on being a girl in the gym. I like to go in, in pink, and workout without grunts and screams and maintain an effortless show for my audience. What those around me seem to forget and much of the reason they will never make their goals is that weight training is much like a beautiful dance. You start tapping your foot and feeling the beat and then you get to learn how to waltz. I always work out to slow music when I lift weights, music that I love; that makes me think about the good and bad. I think of the "One Moment in Time" by Whitney Houston that came on today, and I remember the 22 Pull-ups that I did while she sang to me about that moment....slow and controlled and absolutely perfect like a wonderful dance....I saw the same weight hungry animal jump up there to some music that had words I wouldn't let my daughter hear and I saw his body bounce and struggle to make it to 8. You have to find the peace of training, the joy and the power of controlling a weight that should be too heavy. It's a master of the mind. You learn how to control every movement and how it will effect your body. When I push those 'should be too heavy dumbells', my mind instructs the movements to be felt in my chest and it says don't stop until 10 reps; my chest and arms respond. The body is much like a canvas awaiting a beautiful painting. I have become the artist of my canvas. I am patient and ensure that each stroke is perfectly planned. I am not in a hurry to finish my work; instead, I am patiently waiting for the masterpiece to be created.. ...

28 days until the stage.....

Once again I started my day with the familiar 45 minute dance I share every morning with the Eliptical in the corner. I think he's learning more and more to hold me up when I'm struggling through the last ten minutes. I thought today of the music that has helped me to make it through this 16 week journey with just 28 days remaining. I've danced to everything from Prince to Madonna with a few sad songs in between to reflect on my life. I've been holding the hands of the same machine when things in my life have caused me to float like a cloud in the sky; and I have held on when tears filled my eyes because of a heartache or a disappointment I'd felt or caused. It amazes me the power I have when I am surrounded with metal weights and intimidating sweat machines; yet when I become emotional and hurt, I become a child without direction. I know my will and I know where I am powerful. I know that the reason I will walk on that stage is because it's what I do....It's what I do to recover from pain, to celebrate joy, and to be in a place that I am in control. Some will say it's foolish; I say it's therapy. I say, I am sitting here with a set of abs, I could wash my clothes on...but a mind that is weary...I will have to be happy with the body that I create through the hard times....and celebrate the moments that have forced me to recover here in this place, my place, the only place where I know I can move that brick wall.....almost show time my friends....

30 days until the stage...

I share my thoughts with each of you in an exhausted state. I have chewed a whole pack of sugarfree gum tonight although I promised to kick the habit at 30 days out. My body is trying to fight back. It wants the yummy carbs that makes its eyelids fall asleep. My legs are aching from the two cardio sessions I have demanded of them for the past 3 weeks. I look in the mirror and know that there is only time for the touch-ups. The only battle left is the one I have with my mind. It's a tricky thing trying to convince your body that you can do without the things its accustomed to having. The final weeks change everything. My morning eggs and spinach miss the company of the oatmeal more and more as the days pass. My protein shakes are thin and boring without the yummy skim milk that accompanied them a couple weeks before. This is the hard part; the part where your will must beat the demands of your mind. You have to put yourself in the moment a million times a day. You just have to picture yourself on that stage and imagine the regret you would have if you gave in. I won't, I am a champion. I will not give in to a simple craving. I will walk out and know that I survived what others could not. Tonight, I win again..Determination is often the first chapter in excellence.......Shall we move on to Chapter Two?

5 Weeks until the stage

So this is where I get nervous. We can never see the sculpted physique that others see when we look at ourselves. I look in the mirror and see the hamstrings that only have five more weeks to reach their potential. However, I smile at the abs that haven't given in to the glory of sugar in weeks. They have rewarded me with a quirky chizzled smile. I see the shoulders capped out above my overly long limbs and I smile at the progress they have made. I have won; my body is responding to its hard work and is awaiting the final day to show off its efforts. I have managed to maintain every hard earned ounce of muscle while leaning out this time. I guess practice does make perfect after all. I haven't fixed my hair in weeks to amount to more than a twisted bun at the nape of my neck; hence the reoccurring cardio I do twice a day. Amazing the sacrafices we make to just brush the shoulder of one of our dreams. I think I might even get to shake hands with one of those dreams this time around. My heart explodes at the possibility..........:)

Opportunities...

Strive...Make the best out of every opportunity. I thought of the words as I read the invitation to attend the Cathy Savage Fitness Camp. I recalled all of the times that a judge had told me that I didn't have the posing down enough to show off my physique. I did my quarter turns once again in the mirror in front of me. My arms stiff as maniquin modeling the latest fashion. I wasn't supposed to look like a stiff model; I was supposed to look relaxed, even though, I'm flexing. I was supposed to smile, even though my lips felt like they were shaking under the lights...look forward when doing a side pose, not at the judges...flex your lats, even though they want to squeeze together; make sure your face is full and not too thin from dieting...but make sure your really lean......I thought of all the things I still hadn't mastered. I thought of the possiblility of becoming part of a team that could help me figure out these shortcomings that I have yet to conquer. A competitor is sometimes the only player on his field. It is a lonely game sometimes trying to win all by yourself. I think the time has come for me to humble myself and ask for the assistance that I need. A game is always more successful with great players on the same team. I have decided to join this team so that I can share my strengths and receive guidance on my weaknesses. I will not rush to the stage this time around...I will be a confident champion at her 100% next time I put on those 6 inch glass heels.....With a Team that helped me get there, yelling from the audience...

Football Sunday

I didn't sleep last night; the last time I recall looking at the clock, it said 2 am. My body is sore, and begging for a day off. I feel guilty for the cardio that I failed to do this morning. I opted instead to enjoy the Vickings'( hopeful) victory over the Cowboys. The show is officially 9 weeks and 6 days away. I think of the broccoli and chicken that awaits me for my next meal and twinge at the thought. I momentarily think of what everyone else will be eating on this football Sunday. Then I laugh at how great I will look and feel at the gym Monday morning and of how terrible the "I enjoyed the game with too much booz and chips crowd", will feel. I smile at my strength. I pat myself for being different, for making sacrafices. My show prep is successful today even with the cravings that come with not getting enough sleep. I vow to turn in early tonight and skip the after 4 pm caffeine that I had last night. The mind is a powerful thing if we can take a moment to guide it in the right direction. I smile at the second touchdown my Vickings have made and give in to the comfort as my fluffy couch lures me in. I tell myself just until the game is over and I'm out the door for cardio. Another successful day, with just a small compromise. I drift off for a couple zzz's and see myself walking across that stage with the swager of a champion...

Ten weeks until the stage...

So I return today with ten weeks remaining until I walk upon that stage. I'm not happy with the physique I see standing before me in the mirror. I recall the couple of times that I snuck in a piece of Christmas chocolate in the weeks that have passed me by. The eyes that look back at me are shameful; I sigh and look away. I add up the days once more and confirm to my conscience that there are officially 70 days... 10 weeks..... My overly compulsive mind starts to do the calculations. I add up the pounds that still need to leave my less than show ready body. I shake my head when the result is still 15. My mind sees nothing but numbers now...60 minutes cardio for 70 days equals 42,000 calories hmmmmmmmmmmm..it takes 3500 calories to lose a pound. So I smile that the end result for the weeks remaining is 12. I add in the calories probably burned for weight lifting and my obsession with pullups and know that I can still capture the win. I smile at the possibilities and the strength of the muscles looking back at me. I have defeated the mind that momentarily betrayed me once again. I walk by the mirror once more and see myself on that stage and know that I have made it through yet another hurdle. The mind is powerful, but the will is not defeated easily........